I have bad shoulders. Why exactly they’re bad I’m not 100% sure... I mostly blame a car accident. I have yet to find any kind of doctor that can help me so I just try to speed up the destruction of my liver with anti-inflammatories, ice them when they hurt, and hope for the best. One of the last suggestions that was made was massage therapy, maybe my chest being so tight pulls them into a bad position and causes my problems.
Just to be clear massage therapy is not a nice relaxing massage... for the most part it’s me white knuckling a table while someone pushes so hard I want to die, but my pride makes sure I don’t move. I try to go once a week when I’m in the country. The lady I went to in Ft.Walton was very good at helping me with stretches and understood what I was trying to accomplish. There was another girl in Mobile that I was seeing before I went down range this last time who seemed to get it too, but I didn’t see her name on the list of available people when I went to book an appointment.
As I scrolled through the lists of names I see the name Dawn... Dawn is obviously a woman’s name and the time fits with my schedule for that day so Dawn it is.
I show up to my appointment early and I’m looking at a magazine while I wait.
Dawn: “Ashley?”
(I look up from my magazine and I can only hope that the look of confusion wasn’t as obvious as I think it must have been. I’m staring up at Dawn... I have no idea if Dawn is a man or a woman. NO IDEA... Dawn is either a very effeminate older man with no muscle tone OR Dawn is a masculine older lady, but either way Dawn resembles Earnest from such classics as “Earnest Goes to Camp.”)
We make some small talk in the lobby as I still stand there staring trying to figure out what gender I’m speaking to.
We walk back to the room...
Dawn: “Your patient file says you’re in the Air Force, is that true?”
Me: “Well I was, but I was put out in March.”
Dawn: “Put out?”
Me: “Apparently I have an attitude problem.”
Dawn: “I was in the Coast Guard with the same problem! I was so excited when I saw you were in the military...just great!”
Me: “Thanks.” (You’re not helping me here Dawn.)
Dawn: “So, what were you looking for today?”
Me: “Well, I usually come in for just deep tissue on my chest and shoulders.”
Dawn: “Oh, just those two areas?”
Me: “Yes, my chest is tight which make my shoulders out of place which makes knots.”
Dawn: “So, just really work the knots in your shoulders.”
Me: “Uh, I’d like for you to work the knots in my shoulders, but I need for the tension in my chest to go away so they don’t come back.”
Dawn: “You want me to rub your chest?”
(This has to be man.)
Me: “My chest and my shoulders.”
Dawn: “Which part of your chest exactly?”
Yep, this is a man... What woman is confused by “parts” of the chest... I’m not looking for a breast exam here.
Me: “Uh, the pectoral muscles...”
Dawn: (Pounds her chest with both hands... like a guy would when requesting a chest bump.) “So just the pecks then?? Got it!”
Lets analyze this for a minute... What else would I be paying someone to rub on? I mean the Lord didn’t bless me with a lot on top, but still... what else was Dawn expecting me to say? ‘Well I’ve been lacking in the action lately and I was hoping I could pay you for some upstairs work.’ or for those with a cleaner mind ‘the bones...if you could please rub my sternum that would be great!’
I’m still not sure if this is a man or a woman... the chest bump and uncertainty about what I want rubbed points to a man...
We start the massage and I’ve had male masseuses before, but I have never had anyone as uncomfortable as Dawn. Constantly asking if ‘this ok?’ and then I was made more uncomfortable (I say ‘more’ because not knowing the sex of the person touching you is rather disconcerting,) but Dawn’s face is only inches from mine the entire time... I rarely open my eyes during a massage, but now they’re clinched tight as I listen to the raspy/horse breathing of this... person. Dawn makes small talk about the Coast Guard and a sibling, but nothing that gives me any clue as to gender.
Towards the end of the session...
Dawn: “Ya know you can request a woman to do this right?”
Me: “Oh, uh yeah.”
Dawn: “You can put it in your file that you only want a female masseuse.”
Me: “Ok.”
WTF am I supposed to say??? ‘I thought I did.’ ‘Dawn sounded like a chick name to me.’ ??? Silence... we’ll go with ‘ok’ followed by silence.
Dawn: “I could see how this could be uncomfortable for you.”
Me: “Uh huh.”
Dear Lord please make Dawn stop talking about male vs female before Dawn figures out that I don’t know if Dawn is a man or woman. Fuckin A.
Ok Dawn has to be a man... other wise why would Dawn say that?! When this is over I’m going to stand up, look Dawn in the eyes, and then I’ll know that Dawn is a dude.
Massage ends... I get dressed and walk out to the lobby... look at Dawn... NO fucking idea... I consider asking the girl at the desk, but I feel like she’ll rat me out.
Josh and I came up with a few ways to try to figure this out... calling the shop and asking them to name their male masseuses... just asking out right if Dawn is a man or woman... I felt an overwhelming desire to know followed quickly by the defeat that I wouldn’t dare call in the fear that someone would tell Dawn that yet another person called to figure out that downstairs mix up.
I went back a week later for a massage with someone else who couldn’t figure out what I was trying to do either and she was kind enough to answer my question without me even having to ask...
Maggie: “Was Dawn not able to help you?”
Me: “Oh, no...what? why?”
Maggie: “Well, you just came back so soon I thought maybe she didn’t do a good job.”
(no one cares about the rest of this conversation or massage...)
SHE?!?!? She said it! Thank God another mystery solved! Dawn is a weird, lovable, masculine, Earnest goes to Camp looking LADY...
Then why was SHE acting so fucking weird?
