"Carnies, Circus Folk, Nomads, You Know. Smell Like Cabbage. Small Hands."

I’m starting to think that I was way better off just dating myself... but apparently it’s weird to be ok with dying alone... stupid societal norms!

This fella wanted to go to picklefish, much better start than the Beau Rivage, so I agree.  

We meet and order a couple of beers.  No food was ordered... can I point out that if I meet with you at around dinner time I expect food.  I work out a lot... I eat a lot... it’s happening. 

I thought we were having an enjoyable time (minus my lack of food) and then things took a turn... I thought this guy was good looking, he wasn’t very tall, but worked out a lot...which honestly made him look a little disproportionate but ya know... no one’s perfect.  

Date #2: “It’s so hard for me to hold the heavier dumb bells because my hands are so small.”

Me: “Oh, yeah that’s obviously my problem too...otherwise I’d be throwing the 100lbs dumbbells around.”

He says a little more about working out in general...

Date #2: “Yeah, it’s hard not to drop ‘em though, when you don’t have huge hands.”

Me: “Ok, let me see these things.”

I hold up my hand to his... mine was bigger.  Not by a lot. I have long fingers, but not manly hands by any means.  

Me: “I have really long fingers.  You’re not the first guy I’ve met who’s fingers aren’t as long as mine, that’s all.”

Date #2: “Yeah, you do have long fingers.  I mean I don’t think I have the Burgerking guy’s hands or anything, they’re just a little small.”

Me: “Do they smell of cabbage?”

I laughed... it was funny and how many times am I supposed to not

Date #2: (No laughter) “No, and I’m not related to any carnies either...”

Me: “Ha, well that’s good to know.”

I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I came back.

Date #2: “I’m really tired so I’m gonna go.”

I still had some of my beer left.

Me: “Oh...uh ok.”

Date #2: “Yeah, I paid while you were in the bathroom.”

Me: “Well, alright then.”

We walk out... small hug.

Date #2: “It was nice to meet you, I’m just tired.”

Walks off... Never to be heard from again. 

That’s like me expecting a guy to tell me my boobs are big... I should have just made a dick joke.

You're Going to Put This on Facebook, Aren't You?

So I went on a date a few nights ago and don’t y’all worry... this story does not disappoint.

I had agreed to go on a date with this guy.  We had been texting and he said he wanted to go to the Beau Rivage... this is a 50 minute drive from my parents house, but I thought that maybe the guy really liked gambling so I said that was fine.  He had tried to get me to ride with him and I informed him that I have this thing about getting murdered and since I didn’t know him I would be driving myself.  

I get to the casino and we meet in the lobby. We are walking past the gentleman that checks ID’s...

Patrick: “I have this whole night planned out.”

Me: “Oh, really? OK.”

Patrick: “We’re starting here!”

He motions towards the bar at the entrance of the casino.

Me: “ok...”

We sit down and the waitress walks over...

Waitress: “What can I get y’all?”

Patrick: “Two shots of tequila please.” 

Me: “Jumping right in there huh?”

Patrick: “Oh yeah! I’ve already decided what we’re drinking all night.”

Me to the Waitress: “I’ll have some water please.” 

Me to Patrick: “I don’t care for shots and I’m a slow drinker.” 

Patrick: “I hate tequila but you can’t beat how messed up it gets you.”

Me: “uh, I guess.”

We start to make small talk... our days... the gym... blah blah no one cares...

Our shots arrive and I don’t like doing shots, I know my limitations, and even when I DO take a shot I almost always just sip it over time.  This was not a standard size shot... it was massive.

We tap our glasses and I then touched mine to the table before taking my first drink...

Patrick: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Starting the slow process of drinking this shot?”

Patrick: “You touched the table.”

Me: “True story.”

Patrick: “You can’t do that.”

Me: “Uh I do and I did.”

Patrick: “You can’t touch your glass to the table before drinking it.”

Me: “That’s how my friends and I do it.”

Patrick: “Who?”

Me: “Uh all of my military friends.”

Patrick: “They’re wrong.”

Me: “Ha, ok.”

I finished my shot and my bottle of water around the same time.  

Patrick: “So, what’s your exit strategy?”

Me: “My what?”

Patrick: “I mean, were you going to get a room?”

Me: “Oh, no I’m going to drive home this evening.”

Patrick: “That’s dangerous.”

Me: “I wasn’t going to try to break the land speed record getting there.”

Patrick: “I just mean because there are cops everywhere.”

Me: “Well I’m not getting wasted and I plan on following the speed limit so I think I’ll be ok.”

Patrick: “Just seems like a better idea for you to get a room.”

Me: “I will not be staying here this evening.”

The conversation moves on from there and seems to be going ok. Well, I mean for a little while... maybe ok is a strong word... we weren’t silent? Yes, that’s a better description, we were in fact speaking. 

We discuss things like how he wasn’t fired from the police department but he was suspended and then quit after his suspension.  For what? You might ask.. oh! I’m so glad you did because this is the video he told me to look up...  

Now I’m not one to judge a little excessive force but you can feel free to go right ahead.  

He had mentioned that a year ago he had gotten a DUI, but it was a misunderstanding...

Me: “How was it a misunderstanding?”

Patrick: “Well I was driving down Cottage Hill and I passed out.  When I woke up I had flipped my car three times into someone’s yard.”

Me: “What was the misunderstanding?”

Patrick: “Well my buddy was the first guy on the scene and he didn’t want to arrest me, but his Lt said he had to.”

Me: “Doesn’t sound like a misunderstanding.”

Patrick: “Well, I was banging his wife.”

Me: “Oh, of course you were.  I guess he was a big a-hole and holding a grudge huh?”

Patrick: “Yeah!”

He then orders a “Boiler Maker.”  I ordered another water.  For those of you who are not familiar with a “Boiler Maker” it consists of taking a shot of Wild turkey 101, pouring it into a glass, and then pouring a bud light in the glass.  It tastes like watered down Wild Turkey 101 and is a way to get fucked up in a hurry.  

I slowly sip the disgusting drink... 

HERE’S WHERE THIS GETS GOOD!

They were playing rather random music in the bar.  The song “Black Horse and A Cherry Tree” comes on...

Patrick makes a comment about the age of the song.

Me: “It came out in 2005.”

Patrick: “No it didn’t.”

Me: “I’m almost positive it came out in ’05.”

Patrick: “You’re wrong.”

Me: “Don’t think so...”

I pull out my handy dandy iPhone and pull this up...

I showed him the page..

Patrick: “Yeah, see 2004.”

Me: “Uh that’s the recorded date, but the release date is 2005.”

Patrick: “So, you’re wrong.”

Me: “Ha, no because it wasn’t released until ’05.”

Patrick: “It was ’04.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you two were personal friends and she let you sit in on the recording session and that’s how you heard it in ’04 when the rest of us had to wait till ’05.

Patrick: (makes the ‘cat noise’ which translate to ‘what a bitch’)

I personally think if you make that noise and the woman doesn’t deserve it then she should be allowed to punch you without any repercussions.

Me: “Well, I don’t think I’m being a bitch.  I said something, you said I was wrong, I provided proof, you then ignored my proof, so I then explained the validity of it.”

Patrick: “I see you got your Father’s winning personality.” 

Me: “Yes, I did.” (I then stared at him until he broke eye contact.)

I change the subject to try to find something more pleasant to talk about.... don’t worry though Patrick made sure to bring it back to douche-town.

Patrick: “We could get massages.”

Me: “It’s 9 something at night, is their spa open 24hrs?”

Patrick: “I don’t think so, but ya know I meant we could get a room and I’d give you a massage and you’d give me one.”

Me: “HA that’s not happening.”

Patrick: “I didn’t mean like that, I just mean massages.”

Me: “Right, well I just meant no thank you.”

Patrick: “Fine.”

Pause in conversation...

Patrick: “I really think you should just get a hotel room.”

Me: “I’m driving home tonight.”

Patrick: “It’s not like that...I’d sleep on the couch.”

Me: “I am not sharing a hotel room with a man I just met.”

Patrick: “I don’t see why not.”

Me: “I’m a lady and I don’t get a hotel room with strangers.”

Patrick: “See what does that even mean? Why do women say that? What is ‘I’m a lady’ supposed to mean?!”

Me: “Let me spell this out... I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU and on that same line of thinking I will not be purchasing a hotel room for you to sleep in!”

Patrick: “I don’t think less of a woman for having sex on the first date.”

Me: “Oh well that’s great, but I don’t guess it’s occurred to you that maybe I would think less of myself for sleeping with you.”

Pause in conversation... 

At this point I have had two bottles of water and 3/4’s of my “Boiler Maker.”

Patrick: “I’ve never seen a military girl who couldn’t drink.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Patrick: “You’ve had more water than alcohol.”

Me: “Your point being?”

Patrick: “All the military girls I’ve ever met knew how to drink.”

Me: “First off, I feel sorry for the military girls that let themselves get shit faced around you, second I don’t get wasted with strangers, and third I can’t believe you’re going to sit and try to pressure a small woman to drink more.”

Patrick: “Well I just thought you said you were a drinker”

Me: “You’ve had less of your drink than I have.”

Patrick: “Yeah because I’m just trying to be polite and have less to drink than you.”

Me: “I don’t think ‘polite’ is the correct word for what you’re doing.”

Patrick: “I’ve just never seen a military girl who doesn’t like to have a good time.”

Me: “HA! Ok, I’m 29 years old so you’re not going to peer pressure me into getting wasted... you should probably date younger women, possibly below legal drinking age.”

Pause in conversation...

Patrick: “I just thought we were going to have a good time.”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re not having a good time, but at no point did I say that I would get wasted or sleep with you and I didn’t say you couldn’t drink and get your own hotel room.”

Patrick: “I’m not drinking by myself.”

Me: “I’m drinking.”

Patrick: “Not really, it’s not the same.”

Angry pause... 

Patrick: “I really feel led on.”

Me: “HA! How the hell do you figure that?!”

Patrick: “Well you said you were in the military and that you like to drink so I just assumed we were going to have a good time!”

Me: “I am sorry I didn’t realize that being in the military automatically made me some slut with no standards or self respect so I would numb myself with enough booze to be willing to bang YOU... I must have missed that brief during indoc.”

Patrick: “It’s not about sex.”

Me: “Please stop saying sex..”

I finish my drink...

Patrick: “Why did we come all the way over here if we weren’t going to do anything, I mean we could have just gone to dinner if this is all we were going to do.”

Me: “This was your idea!”

Patrick: “Yeah, because you led me on.”

Me: “HOLY FUCK!”

Patrick: “Should we just call this?”

Me: “Yes, BYE!”

The waitress brings the check, I think she could hear us fighting.

Patrick: “I have to walk you to your car.”

Me: “Oh because you’re such a fucking gentleman? NO, I’m good.”

Patrick: “I can’t let you walk alone.”

Me: “It’s a casino, there’s camera’s everywhere, and they’re not going to want me to die on their property.”

He follows me out... I stop to use the bathroom and he waits outside the door.

Me: “Why are you walking with me?”

Patrick: “You’re going to put this on Facebook aren’t you?”

Me: “HA! Buddy, I’m gonna put this on Facebook, my blog, and I’m going to include your YouTube clip!”

Patrick: “Really?”

Me: “Definitely.”

We get to my car and he goes to give me a hug...

Me: “Nope.”

I start to get into my car...

Patrick: “Well, text me if you want to grab dinner or hang out.”

Me: “HA! Seriously? That is not happening...ever.”

SLAM! 

Ashley Explains it All

So because I am such a winner I’ve moved back in with my parents.  I was going to wait until a little later, but a friend’s in-laws are building a house near my old place and were wanting to rent with furniture and I couldn’t see turning that down. I had gone to Texas for work and when I got back this is what I found... 

Mom: “Soooo I’m having the kitchen floors redone.”

Me: “Meaning?”

Mom: “You have to use a ladder to get into your room.”

Me: “Of course I do.”

Mom: “AND the entire house smells terrible from the chemicals.”

Me: “Of course it does.”

I get home to find a noxious smell... My brother dropped me off since he had an appointment.  I went to sit in my parents room and watch tv because the smell seemed to be weakest there.  Now, I’ve never actually huffed paint but if I were to take a guess about what it’s like then I’d say this was close.  I got there wide awake and I had planned on being productive... for the life of me now I can’t remember what said productive activity was going to be seeing as those brain cells are long gone now... I turned the TV on and immediately felt sleepy... I would wake up at random and send my mother random text messages until we figured out that I was just high.  

For Example: 

Me: “What color are your walls? I don’t even know what this is...”

Mom: “Uh...Beige?”

Me: “Hmmm...are you sure there isn’t purple involved?”

Silence

Me: “I think I’m high... I’m gonna lay back down and hope the fumes win.”

And then it was time for bed...

It looks sturdy enough... Let's take a closer look...

A branch offering support or begging for me to run my shin down it in the dark? 

Don't fall!

Some how I find myself using this as a step on what I feel is a more than normal basis.

Shit! Now I have to pee... That’s not true, you know I didn’t have to pee until it was midnight and I had to down load the flashlight app to my phone.

This was my brother’s entrance, somehow it seems worse to me even though there are no holly bushes involved.... So at least I didn’t have to use this one... OH wait, neither did my brother since when I got up at midnight and climbed down a dark ladder to pee he was just walking around in the kitchen since he made the command decision that it was dry... 

This seemed like a much cooler concept on “Clarissa Explains it All.”

ALL BY MYSELF...

So I’ve decided that since there don’t seem to be any men out there that can handle all of this awesome... 

I have different theories and they range from low self esteem to psychosis... BUT that’s not what this little blurb is about... I digress... 

like I was saying... ...since I am ok with the fact that my life partner is Jack  

 I’ve decided to just start dating myself.  I enjoy my own company, I have money, and I don’t expect me to pretend to enjoy sex because I splurged and got an appetizer... 

I take myself to see all the romantic comedies I think look cute... I mean it’s easy to find someone to sit through Avengers, but it makes you a weirdo if you drag your Dad to go see The Lucky One... ok weirder than someone who at 29 dates themselves.. 

Last weekend I actually did take myself to see “The Lucky One”... I enjoyed it and it was an uneventful outing. 

Today I went to go see “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” 

I walk up to the counter to purchase my ticket...

Me: “One for ‘What to Expect...’ please.”

Cashier: “Wait, what movie?”

Me: “Uh, ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting?”

Cashier: “Oh, uh, ok.”

Pause...

Cashier: “Wait, how many?”

Me: “Ha, just one.”

Cashier: “Just one?”

Me: “Yes, just one ticket.”

Cashier: “Really?”

Me: “Ha yes, I’m all by myself... I would like to purchase one ticket so I can see this romantic comedy by myself.”

Cashier: “Oh, sorry, just checking.”

Me: “Haha thanks.”

It was an OK movie... my life though... my life is AWESOME

Happy Mother's Day!

My Mom loves me, she doesn’t always like me... but way deep down she loves me.  I mean not as much as my brother, but beggars can’t be choosers, right?  My parents treat my brother and I very differently... I like to refer to him as “precious” or “shmoopie” when I feel the moment calls for it.... here are a couple of these moments...

The other day I was talking to my brother on the phone about my new job...

 (DANGER DANGER WHOAAAAAAAA!) 

...Calm down everyone... anyways...like I was saying, 

I was simply telling him about an altercation I had with someone over a technique.  Realizing the conversation was becoming slightly heated I simply said “Never mind, we’re just disagreeing on a technique.” and left.  

Mac: “Look at you! Personal growth and everything, just like a real person! I’m so proud right now.”

I laughed, it was funny.

Later in the conversation my brother was telling me about a job interview...

Me: “WOW like a real big boy job?! That’s my lil Leo the Late Bloomer! 25, better late than never huh?!”

He laughed, it was funny.

I was talking to my Mom on the phone, she was waiting for my brother to call and she asked what we had talked about.

I relayed the conversation...

Me: “Then Mac was like, ‘Look at you! Personal growth and everything, just like a real person! I’m so proud right now.”

Mom: “BAHAHAHAHAHAHA (takes a breath) hahahahahahahahahaha.”

Me: “Ya ok over there? Didn’t pee or anything, right?”

Mom: “HA! NO! It’s just really funny!”

Me: “k”

I continue to retell the dialogue...

Me: “...so then I was like, ‘WOW like a real big boy job?! That’s my lil Leo the Late Bloomer! 25, better late than never huh?!’
Mom: “ASHLEY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

Me: “Uh... what?”

Mom: “Do you have to ruin EVERYTHING?”

Me: “I want to say yes, but I’m not sure what exactly I ruined in this instance.” 

Mom: “He’s really excited about something and you can’t help but be so mean.  You’re always so mean.”

Me: “Are you messing with me?”

Mom: “NO!”

Me: “Can you hear yourself right now? So when I’m excited about something and Mac gives me a jab it’s so funny you can’t breathe, but I poke fun at smoopie and I’m the meanest person in the world?”

Mom: “It’s different...”

Me: “It’s not...”

Mom: “He didn’t mean it in a mean way, Ashley.”

Me: “We meant it the exact same way, Mom.”

My Mother gives an exasperated sigh... I’ll translate it for you “Why is my daughter so awful, God? Why?”

Me: “He’ll live, I promise.”

We continue with our conversation and I suppress my childhood desire to murder my own brother in the hopes that my parents will like me more if there isn’t another option...

On Mother’s Day my mom calls me at 0930.  For the record I was going to call... usually I wake up around 0730 but I had been staying up until 0400 because of work so I had just woken up when she called.  I asked how her Mother’s Day was going and all of the things one is supposed to say/ask about the day...

I had sent my mother some pajama’s she had said she wanted.

Mom: “I like my pajamas, they’re so cute.”

Me: “I’m glad.”

Mom: “Your Dad got me two more charms for my bracelet...” (she described them...) “...and Mac got me a card! I have to read it to you, it’s so funny!”

Me: “oh, ok.”

Mom: ‘Happy Mother’s Day from your favorite.... (open card) ...OH C’MON EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S TRUE!’ “He wrote Happy ‘Mother’s Day from your spoiled son.’  Hahahaha Isn’t that just the best card?!”

Me: “Oh yeah, funny and completely accurate all at the same time.”

My Mother then giggled... I’ll translate that for you “hehe you’re right but I’m not supposed to actually say that out loud hehe.”

Enjoy my life... 

(A friendly reminder... ALL comments should be sent to the above email address... not nice things posted to my wall or on here will be removed and you will be unfriended and blocked from Facebook.)

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Coupons!

I'm working on an entry to describe a recent... umm.. incident? But it's really long and I've been told that so far it's "Somewhere between funny and a public castration...."  I haven't decided if i'm against the second part of that...
While you wait...I found this short dialogue humorous...

Is it worth the couple bucks and no processed sugar just to feel superior to the heifers on TLC's couponing show? Yes, it is.

Where's the Internet?

So I have to apologize again, but because this evil monster... (“Rusty”) pee’d on my laptop and I lost several blog entries I was working on...

I just don't have it in my to start over...BUT...

I went home for Easter and after this exchange I realized this is something y’all might find funny.                                                                                                            

                                       

(To clarify my parents live too far out to have cable internet and so they have to have a wifi card.  For some reason this gets moved around their house and turned on and off at random....)

                                      

This was Josh’s response when I texted him the above image... 

(she’s gonna be SO mad at you!)