SPANK TENT

I went home because my Dad said that he would take a day off of work and we could hang out. (For those of you who know me you know this is the first time in my 28 years that my dad has offered to hang out with JUST me.) I went to the gym in the evening, then to my place to pack, and then to my parents’ house. I got there around midnight, I was exhausted, and I found there was someone in “my” bedroom, so I went and laid on the couch.
When I’m at my parents’ house it means there are 5 dogs (two little ones and three that are between 80-120lbs) so actually sleeping is almost impossible in a bedroom and completely impossible in the living room. I ASSUMED that my father had gone to sleep in there because he’d been having trouble sleeping and didn’t want to disturb my mom... that’s what would have been the case to someone with a normal life... It’s now 0400 and I’m pissed off on the couch when my brother walks in.


Mac: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Well I’m trying to freaking sleep but God knows you can’t sleep in this fucking house and to make it worse Dad is asleep in my room!”
Mac: “Uh, yeah he’s not.”
Me: “Oh well fuck! I thought I heard the sound machine in there.”
Mac: “Oh uh yeah you did. I was asleep in there. Here I’ll go back to my room and you can go to sleep in  there.”
Me: “Wait. What?”
Mac: “I was sleeping in your room but i can go back to my room.”
Me: “Why were you sleeping in my room?”
Mac: “Your bed is comfortable.”
Me: “You have a queen in your room and mine is a double. Why were you sleeping in my room.”
Mac: “I was using the internet.”
Me: “Excuse me? You have a lap top and they have wireless! You have a flat screen tv in your room with a PS3 and satellite! Are you fucking with me right now?!”
Mac: “It’s fine. I’ll go back to my room.”

I follow him down the hall towards our bedrooms still asking (screaming) if he’s joking. He goes into my room, starts collecting the laptop, and then STARTS PUTTING A RAG INTO THE POCKET OF HIS SWEAT PANTS!!!

Me: “HOLY FUCKING SHIT! YOU ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING BUM ON THE PLANET AND I HATE YOU!”

Silence

I go back out to the couch and sit there so angry I consider burning my parents house down. An hour or so later my Dad wakes up.


Dad: “Hey, did you sleep at all?”
Me: “NO! No Dad I freaking didn’t! Would you like to know why DAD?! Because! Because your son has been using my room as his personal spank tent!”
Dad: “What?”
Me: “You heard me! He’s gross and he’s been using my room and it smells and I hate him!”
Dad: “Well sheets are washable.”

Dad walks out of the room.
Dad and I went to lunch and a movie. When we got home he washed my sheets and put them back on my bed.
I walk into the living room.


Mom: “Wow your Dad washed the sheets for you AND put them back on the bed??”
Me: “Yes Mother and do you know why?”
Mom: “No.”
Me: “Because Mother your son was using my room as his spank tent!”
Mom: “His what?”
Me: “His spank tent Mom!”
Mom: “I don’t know what that means.”
Me: “The place he uses to touch himself MOTHER! He is gross and I hate him!”
Mom: “Oh Ashley, C’mon.”
Me: “Seriously?!”
Mom: “Your Dad washed the sheets.”
Me: “It’s like my life is a constant stream of fucked up jokes.”
Mom: “What?”

How is no one upset about this?
Be jealous of my life people... so jealous.

Spiders...

I’m on leave after my deployment and I decided to come home and spend a few days with my family.  The other night I was sitting on the couch watching TV when Mac walks into the living room.

 

Mac: “Hey don’t go out the back door because there’s a huge spider web.”

 

Me: “Oh uhh ok.”

 

Ugh whatever.

A couple of hours later I’m in the kitchen and Mac and I notice that Jasper (my Mother’s cat) is outside. My parents live on the outside of town so there are a number of animals that would probably enjoy eating a delicious kitty, so they try to keep him inside at night.  

 

Me: “Oops, Jasper’s still outside.  I’ll grab him.”

 

I open the back door and rush out to get Jasper.  First full step out the door and I’m immediately reminded of Mac’s warning as I feel spider web wrap all the way around my head.  I’m not gonna lie...I may have emitted a small squeal as I immediately turned back into the kitchen, hands slapping all around my head and face to try to get rid of the massive spider that must be on me somewhere.

 

Me: “Holy Fuck! Is it on me?! Ugh help me get it off!”

 

I shove my head in my brother’s face.

 

Mac: “Ew get away from me!!!”

 

There may have been a small shove and squeal here to keep my spider head away from him.

 

Me: “Oh my God Mac you can’t even look to see if there’s something on me?”

 

Mac slaps my head a couple of times.

 

Mac: “Yeah....ok....ugh no spiders.”

 

I turned the lights on outside and saw that the massive spider was still in what was left of his web.

 

Me: “You squealed! Like a girl and you wouldn’t even LOOK for the spider!”

 

Mac: “I told you not to go out the back door.”

 

Me: “Valid point.” 

 

Mac: “So technically you didn’t listen to ME...Can this go on the website???”

 

Me: “I’m not leaving out the shove and squeal.”

 

Mac: “So close.”

Dear Flight Doc, I hate you!

Last night we flew and on descent I could actually hear stuff moving around in my face.  No sinus block but obviously that's not normal.  After we landed the sinus headache started. It got worse and worse until I popped some sudafed, inhaled some afrin and it still hurt so I took a couple of benedryl before bed (this is the part of my story where my mother interrupts me and says "And surprisingly you woke up."  pfft my metabolism is pretty much amazing…don't doubt it!) and my head ache didn't go away until I woke up.  Before going to sleep I had decided to go BACK to the flight doc and demand help (supportive pushing from Tracy was helpful.)  I rode to the flight doc with my crew who were going to eat chow.  

I walk in and the MSgt Med tech from my previous story walks in behind me.

MSgt: "Oh your face is still bothering you?"

Me: "Yeah I didn't have a block but I could feel it moving around on my last flight and…"

MSgt: "Haha yeah that's no good."

Me: "That's what I was thinking so we'll see how this attempt for help goes."

The MSgt leads me into the room with the Oompaloompa "Dr" and an older overweight guy that works there.

Flight Doc: "What's going on?"

MSgt: he let out a small sigh "She is still having problems with her sinuses."

Flight Doc: "Oh so you need more Afrin and sudafed?"

Me: "Uh no.  Either my allergies are getting worse o…"

Flight Doc: "That's probably it because it's really dusty here and lots of people have allergies"

Me: "Over the last few years or I have some kind of small infection was the rest of what i was saying."

Flight Doc: "Yeah I'm sure it's allergies.  You're flying tonight?"

Me: "NO."

Flight Doc: "Oh you guys don't have anything to do or is a plane broken?"

Me: "Uh neither, I'm just not flying."

Flight Doc: "Why not?"

Me: "Because something is wrong with my face and it hurts and I am dnif'ing myself because I said so."

The MSgt and the other guy laugh.

Me: "Ok so if you think it's allergies then I apparently need something stronger than claritan.  Do y'all have flonase here? A lot of people say that helps."

Flight Doc: "I try not to give out flonase because people get dependent on it and start taking it everyday."

Me: "Uh, as i understand it Flonase is a steroid so for it to work you should take it everyday."

More laughter from the MSgt and the other guy.  Blank stare from the Flight Doc.

MSgt: "I'll go get you the flonase."

Flight Doc: "Have you tried rinsing your nose out?"

Me: "Nasal lavage? yes and at home it helps but I tried it here last time and it made my head hurt more."

Flight Doc: "And get her a syringe and saline solution."

Me: "I have a whole kit, I really don't need any of that."

Blank stare.

Flight Doc: "I'm going to give you musinex with sudafed in it so that should help with all the congestion, ya know, sneezing and coughing.

Me: "I know what congestion is and I don't sneeze a lot and I don't have a cough.  Just pain during or after landing." 

Flight Doc: "Well this will help break all of that up."

Me: "Fine, whatever, I'll take whatever you want."  

MSgt brings back a bag containing two spray bottles of saline solution, a syringe, a bottle of flonase, a package of musinex, and a huge jug of saline solution.

MSgt: "Here you go Ma'am."

Me: "Thanks I really appreciate it."

Flight Doc: "Weren't you supposed to leave awhile ago?"

Me: "Yeah I medically out processed with you about a month ago.  Good night."

Incase anyone is wondering the insert for Flonase says that it is a steroid and you should take it at least once a day but no more than twice a day….

More deep thoughts from the mind of my brother…

"a balance diet for the Tazmanian devil is a beer in each hand xD"

Sinuses Shminuses

 I've been flying for only 6 years, deploying for 4, and I've deployed 7 times.  In that time I've never had a problem with my sinuses…ever. 

About a month ago we were descending to land and I started feeling a small amount of pressure in my left cheek.  Since I'd never had a sinus block before and I thought the pilots were going to continue a shallow descent I would tough it out.  Then they increased the descent. 

HOLY FUCK THIS HURTS! We're at 2,500ft..that's not very high…how much worse could it get? I can do this…i'm not calling "go around!"

2000ft…(I will start by telling you what actually happened and then I will tell you how it went in my mind) 

I feel like my tooth is going to explode, it's hard to breathe because of the pain, and i can't even think of how to form words.  I double over, and reach over to 'My Pet' grab his arm and begin to pull him around his chair. 

My Pet: "Pilot, we have a problem back here!"

Pete: "What?! What do you mean a problem?"

My Pet: "Something is wrong with the Nav!"

Pete: "What?!"

My Pet: "I don't know pilot she just…"

I begin franticly giving him the signal to climb.

My Pet: "Climb pilot she has a block."

He begins digging through his bag in search of Afrin.

Pete: "Crew, we're going around."

Then there were radio calls and lots of pilot stuff.  Now let me tell you how I saw those events that probably only took seconds…

2000ft…

I feel like my tooth is going to explode, it's hard to breathe because of the pain, and i can't even think of how to form words.  I double over, and reach over to 'My Pet' grab his arm and begin to pull him around his chair. 

That's it my tooth is literally going to explode in my mouth.

What is that like? Is it just a pop or will their be tooth pieces in my cheek?

Will it stop hurting once it explodes? 

Oh GOD! Why isn't he helping me? 

Why is he just fucking staring at me like that?! 

My Pet: "Pilot, we have a problem back here!"

You're fucking right we do! tell him to fucking climb! oh my fucking god I wish he would just knock me out, that would be better. 

Why aren't we climbing, I wish i could remember how to talk!

Pete: "What?! what do you mean a problem?" 

For all that is holy just say climb! why won't he say it? Does he hate me? I wish my head would just explode already.

My Pet: "Something is wrong with the Nav!"

I'm obviously dying here people!

Pete: "What?!"

How can i tell him to climb? what can i do to make him understand?!

My Pet: "I don't know pilot she just…"

Fuck i've got it….thumb up and act like i want a fucking helo to pick me up. OK I'VE BEEN DOING THIS MOTION FOR AT LEAST 5 MINUTES NOW! WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!!!

My Pet: "Climb pilot, she has a block!"

Blah Blah pilot stuff…Ok now you know how it went in my head versus reality….to me that took at least 45 minutes in reality it couldn't have been more than a couple.

We climb and I begin inhaling Afrin like it's my only hope. I'm still positive my tooth is going to explode.  We actually had a Navy flight doctor onboard and he was sent back to my station.  He looked and made sure i wasn't bleeding from my nose or gums and then he explained to me what was actually happening and trying to convince me that my tooth wasn't going to explode…it took a lot of Afrin before i believed him.

Navy Doc: "Ok you're not bleeding and that's a good sign.  Just keep taking the Afrin while i talk. You have a sinus block meaning no air can get in or out of your sinus.  Like your water bottle here as the pressure gets greater and it shrinks so does your sinus, but because the air can't get out it just keeps pushing harder and harder.  Right now the pain you're feeling in your teeth is because your sinus is trying so hard to collapse it is actually pulling the roots and nerves of your tooth up into your head."

Me: "So it's not going to explode?"

Navy Doc: "No."

Me: "It really feels like it."

Navy Doc: "That's because you're basically having your teeth pulled with no Novocain. Does it feel better now that we're higher?"

Me: "Yes.  I can talk now."

and by "talk now" I meant that i can sit in my seat, white knuckling my station, and forcing myself to breath like i'm preparing for child birth.

I'm still in a lot of pain but it's improving and we need to land so I say that i'm ready.

I watch the altimeter continue to drop and the pain is getting worse. 

Breath, just keep breathing, he said he wouldn't explode, he promised it wouldn't explode, what if my sinus explodes? not as bad…i'll still have all of me teeth. 

We land and J takes me to the Air Force flight doctor.  

J: "You're going to be down for like 3-4 days."

Me: "Yeah, i figured"

Let me take a minute to describe our flight doc….I'm not sure if she is even five feet tall, this is her first deployment, and she's resembles a hispanic umpaloompa.  

AF Doc: "What's going on?"

Me: "We just landed, I have a sinus block and it's killing me." 

I point to the left side of my face where the pain is.

AF Doc: "How are your ears?"

Me: "Uh, there's nothing wrong with my ears."

AF Doc: "So they cleared fine? No pain?"

Me: "No but I thought my tooth was going to explode and my face is killing me!"

I point to the left side of my face again.

J: "Ha, I'll be outside."

J walks out trying not to laugh.

Me: "I've never had this before."

AF Doc: "Have you been congested or do you have a cold?"

Me: "No and I didn't feel anything on the way up but we had to climb and i took like a whole bottle of Afrin and it still hurts."

AF Doc: "Yeah it's going to hurt for awhile. Let me see you clear your ears."

Me: "My ears are fine!"

I clear my ears while she looks at them…

AF Doc: "Well they look fine.  Here's some sudafed and more afrin.  Take two of these every 6 hours and just come by tomorrow if it hurts to bad to fly."

Me: "Uh that's it?"

AF Doc: "Yeah, If you don't feel like flying come back."

I walk out and J takes me back to the Alert Facility where our crew is getting this together to go back to our rooms. We walk in and the Navy flight doc is still there.

Pete: "Are you ok? what'd she say? how long are you down for?"

Me: "Well it still really hurts, she asked if my ears were ok, and she said I can fly tomorrow if I want to."

A collective WTF

Navy Flight Doc: "Uh I don't want to over step my bounds here but if you were in the Navy I would ground you for at least three to four days.  You really shouldn't be flying soon after something like this."

Pete: "Yeah you're not flying tomorrow."

I spent the next couple of days doped up on Afrin and taking motrin to combat my tooth and facial pain.  Over the next couple of weeks I had a couple sinus headaches but the flights went fine until a couple of days ago.  On descent I felt the same pain but this time I started the Afrin early and although it was uncomfortable I was able to get down without delay.  The next day before work I went back to the flight doc because i've never had sinus issues before and some people have suggested that I might have a small sinus infection or that my deployment allergies have worsened and I should try Flonaise. 

I walk in and the little ompaloompa is no where to be seen.  The MSgt med tech asks if he can help me and I give him a brief description of what has happened and that I would like some more Afrin, sudafed, and flonaise. 

Med Tech: "She's going to have to dnif you."

(DNIF: Duties Not Including Flying)

Me: "I bet she doesn't."

Med Tech: "If something is wrong with your sinuses and you take sudafed and Afrin then you're automatically dnif."

Me: "Oh I know those are the rules but i'm telling you she's not going to dnif."

After about 15 minutes of small talk between myself and the med tech he goes and asks the Flight doc (again) to please come see me because I need to get to my flight brief. 

AF Flight Doc: "What's up?"

Me: "Well I had another sinus block on my last flight, so that's two in a month."

AF Flight Doc: "Can you clear your ears?"

Me: "Yes"

AF flight doc: "Do they hurt?"

Me: "Does what hurt? My ears? NO! There is STILL nothing wrong with my ears.  It's my face! Right here!"

AF flight doc: "Does it still hurt?"

Me: "No, because I took enough Afrin to kill a horse yesterday."

AF Flight Doc: "Oh so you just need more Afrin?"

Me: "Uh well I do need more Afrin and sudafed but i think something is wrong if I've never had sinus trouble and now I've had two blocks in less than a month.  I was thinking I could have some kind of small infection or maybe my allergies to the dust are getting worse so I could try flonaise."

AF Flight Doc: "Ok MSgt, go get her some more Afrin and sudafed. So you can clear your ears though?"

Me: "YES! At no point since this started have I had any problems with my ears!"

MSgt walks up with my meds.

AF Flight Doc: "Ok well here you go."

Med Tech: "um Ma'am you do know she's going to her flight brief."

AF Flight Doc: "Yes"

Med Tech: "So that she can fly."

AF Flight Doc: "Oh yeah, have a good flight."

Me: "Ha yeah well assuming my face doesn't explode, thanks."

The MSgt looked as disgusted as I felt and I walked out to go fly. FML.

Foot Loose:

Sitting in the DFAC (Dining Facility) my crew and I are enoying yet another amazing meal. Entertainment Tonight is playing on one of the tv's when segment on the 'Foot loose' remake comes on.

My pet: "I never understood why anyone likes this movie and how did they learn to dance so well so quickly?"

Samwise Gamgee: "I know what a stupid idea for a movie. Like those back woods hicks don't know what dancing is until some city kid comes and shows them. 'Oh we ain't got no electricty, thanks for showing us how people live.'"

Me: "Wait what? That's not the plot of that movie.  They don't dance for religious reasons not because they don't know what dancing is."

My Pet: "Ok but how did they get so good at it so quickly?"

Dan: "It's a movie."

Me: "And it's dancing it's something some people can just do."

My Pet: "I can't."

Samwise Gamgee: "Me either."

Me: "That's because you have no rhythm."

My Pet: "True."

Samwise Gamgee: "Oh I have great rhythm I just don't like the music."

Me to Dan: "Did he just say that he has rhythm but cannot dance because he does not like music? hahahah"

Dan to Me: "hahaha yes.  That is definitely what he said."

Me to Dan: "ok i had to check."

Me to Samwise Gamgee: "haha ok that's it, you're going on the website."

Samwise Gamgee: "I don't know if I should be honored or scared about that."

Me: "We'll see, but I have to start sharing these things."

 

 

As usual names have been changed to protect the identity of the guilty.

Status

This is my brother's status right now.

"The years rolled slowly past 

And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worryied about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend

Bob Seger Lyrics"

BOB SEGER HAD A JOB A-HOLE!