Where's the Internet?

So I have to apologize again, but because this evil monster... (“Rusty”) pee’d on my laptop and I lost several blog entries I was working on...

I just don't have it in my to start over...BUT...

I went home for Easter and after this exchange I realized this is something y’all might find funny.                                                                                                            

                                       

(To clarify my parents live too far out to have cable internet and so they have to have a wifi card.  For some reason this gets moved around their house and turned on and off at random....)

                                      

This was Josh’s response when I texted him the above image... 

(she’s gonna be SO mad at you!) 

I'm Having Brad Pitt's Baby

So after about two years of doing Crossfit and still being the slow little one with out a six pack I finally decided that it’s time to actually try to eat well. Trying to eat better than I already did not only wouldn’t take a lot (considering most meals consisted completely of chips or some other junk) but it also didn’t last long before I just went all out Paleo, flinging myself 100% into the cult that is Crossfit. (I promise this entry isn’t about me and my love for my gym)

To complete my transition I was going to need some food...and recipes....and some clue how to cook... and getting over only eating crap... I chose to start with recipes. This was at least three hours of searching. I consider myself pretty good at this whole internet thing. I mean it’s kind of how I waste a majority of my time and three straight hours was spent searching for enough recipes to get me through a single week... this is not starting well. Being a person is hard...
Considering I love my dogs far more than myself I needed to go get them food first. Obviously I don’t feed them cheapo food like I usually do myself I drive to Destin to go to Petsmart to get them special breed specific food. I get to the store and start to walk through the crosswalk and apparently I thought that meant I had the right of way, not everyone agrees, they’re just suggestions to most people. After a 50 year old man made it clear, by only stopping his car within a foot of me, that he thought me makin him slow to a stop to let me cross makes me an asshole.

(Not optional to stop old man! and if you think I won’t use my pointy little pelvis to dent your mercedes you are wrong!)
After spending a ridiculous amount on dog food I headed to Fresh Market... you heard me...Fresh Market. I wasn’t sure what I would find but I had a feeling I would stand out. I parked and my over priced car fit in nicely in the parking lot so that raised my confidence a little. Once inside it was fairly easy to do my shopping and all seemed normal (more organic but normal, I mean everyone seemed like they had bathed regularly) until I got to the juice milk area where I heard this conversation.
Guy: “Can we have this yet?”
Girl: “No we’re only two days into our cleanse! Put it back.”
Judgement Judgement Judgement!
The rest of my Fresh Market experience was uneventful other than the fact that I’m not sure if I was a jerk and made the cashier empty my cart or if that’s what I was supposed to do. Again not the first person to  think I’m an asshole so I got over it quickly. There were a couple of normal products that I needed so I just went to Publix after my work out that night. Walking through the store I passed a man and woman who were in their mid twenties to early thirties and far more affectionate than I thought was acceptable grocery store etiquette but I had just done a WOD (Work Out of the Day) so even my judgement was tired. When I get to the check out the couple are in line in front of me.  The girl sees an atrocity that she cannot witness with out bringing our attention to it... she is compelled to share with strangers and seek comfort from her boyfriend. What did she see?

Woman: “OH MY GOD! Look at THIS! He makes me sick honestly, goes around
cheating on everyone! I mean don’t get me wrong she deserves this but still.
He...is...terrible!”
Cashier: “Are you looking at the one that says Brad Pitt has a baby with someone else?”
Woman: “Yes! And he left Jennifer Aniston for her. JENNIFER ANNISTON!”
Woman to Boyfriend: “Babe, Jennifer is better than Angelina right?”
Boyfriend: “Uh well I mean, I guess.”
Woman: “You guess? You guess? What do you mean you guess?!”

I’m enjoying this...watching this man shrink in on himself because these two strangers are watching it be revealed that he’s dating a crazy woman who isn’t that attractive.

Boyfriend: “Well I...”
Woman: “Jen is perfect! She is the all American woman... She’s real and she’s pretty
and she’s nice and she’s perfect and really?! You really don’t think she’s better than
Angelina?!”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, I mean yes I agree with you.”
Woman: “Good because I was going to say! I mean some people just have no taste.”

Well she has a point but I relate that more to reality than to people I’ve never met and know nothing about.

Woman: “Do you think it’s true?”
Boyfriend: “I don’t know.”
Woman: “But do you think it is?”
Boyfriend: “Ok c’mon lets go...”
Starts to lead her out by the hand.
Woman: “Do you think it’s true?”
Boyfriend: “Sure Babe.”

I love that I can feel his shame for dating a retard. I’m sure she can suck the chrome off a bumper from 50 yards so he’ll get over it once he can’t feel my judgement anymore.

Me: “Wow, I definitely have never seen someone get that upset over Star magazine.”
Cashier: “People get into it, I guess. I think people are too hard on Angie though.”

(oh God damn it.)
Me: “I don’t know either of them personally.”
Cashier: “Well he wanted children and Jen just wasn’t ready and that’s a big deal in a
marriage! Ya know? I’m sure lots of couples divorce because of that, don’t you think?”
Me: “I guess, but I’m divorced because my ex is a vagina.”
Cashier: “oh.”
Me: “Ok well have a good night.”

So for all the crazies out there I just wanted to announce that I’m having Brad Pitt’s 100th baby and that is really why I needed to learn how to cook.

Noodle Legs

    The other night I went to dinner with Josh and his family.  His sister asked if either of us had heard of a magazine called “Access.”  We had not.  She explained that it was supposed to be like “People Magazine” but just for Mobile, AL.  (I promise I will go into greater detail about the awesomeness, read as stupidity, of this magazine in another entry.)  She told us that some issues have a “Who wore it best?” article.  This we had to see.  

 
    The next day after we went to the Dew Drop Inn for lunch we decided to find a copy of this little piece of literary gold.  Our friend Andrew said his girlfriend would ask someone she worked with where we could find one.  
Andrew via text: “She says you can find it on facebook.”
Josh to me: “He says we can find it on facebook....ugh...”
Me: “What?”
Josh: “I have to like it to see where to buy it.”
 
Me: “Hahahahahaha! Everyone’s going to see it in their feed. Hahaha!”
Josh: “Yeah, yeah, I’m doing it.”
Josh proceeded to “like” the magazine and look up where to buy it.  He reads off a list of places in Mobile, SHOCKINGLY they’re all in Spring Hill (the rich part of Mobile where we went to high school.  We’ll go over this more on another day when I focus completely on this magazine...I’m actually considering getting a subscription just for Blog Fodder.) I turn the car around and head back towards Spring Hill.  
Me: “I really hate going to all these snoody places.”
Josh: “Uhhh you drive a BMW so we’re good.”
Me: “Haha it’s just an X3 so I’ll pretend my X6 is in the shop.  ‘Ugh so I told them...Custom means custom NOT off the shelf! Pfft, like I don’t know Italian leather when I see it!”
Josh: “They didn’t even put your initials in the seats and THEN they give you THAT to drive around in?! disgusting.”
    We laugh and go on about the things we should say when going into these silly stores.
    The first silly place we go into is the “Family Pharmacy of Spring Hill.”
 
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s cute... and has cute nick nacks and a soda shop...it’s also directly across the street from a CVS.  We walk awkwardly around this very small store front with absolutely no business there.  After a lap we come to the conclusion that not only do they not have our magazine they don’t have ANY magazines.  

Me while pretending to look at something in the store: “Well now that we’ve looked like we’ve cased the place I guess we should go.”
Josh: “I can’t believe there aren’t ANY magazines in here!”

We make a brisk exit and proceed to another place on the list.  “Five Gold Monkeys” is the next closest.


The best I could tell this place sells fabric and random shit.  The typical two Spring Hill girls were behind the counter.  (Picture “The Hills” but with a southern drawl and no cameras.)  We’re out of place and obviously the only people in the store because how many Springhill women and gay men need to redo their homes at the same time? During our lap we spot the weirdest fabric in the store and discus covering a living room floor to ceiling, after our giggling fit is finished we find ourselves back at the front of the store.  No magazine... what the hell?  We laugh at ourselves as we make our way out of the store, feeling the judgement from the two girls behind the desk.  
Me: “I guess we can try Ander’s Bookstore.  You listed them right?”
Josh: “Yeah that’s what it says, but it’s probably just trying to embarrass us more.”
Me: “My laziness is going to end this search long before my pride does.”

We get to Ander’s (a book store located across the street from the University of South Alabama, it’s the kind of bookstore you buy text books and other school related supplies.) and walk up and down the isles and NOTHING.  We decide that everyone is messing with us and embarrassed yet again we walk through the check out to leave.  As I’m walking out the door Josh sees it.  Tucked into the bottom of a small stand.  ACCESS Magazine! OH HAPPY DAY!  We go back to the check out counter, make our purchase, and exit the store.  Josh reads me the high lights (which will be discussed at great detail in a later post) and we laugh and laugh as we decide to go to a movie.  
At the theater there was a line out front (where you used to buy tickets) so we stand in the line for a few minutes when I ask the people in front of us.  
Me: “Were there people actually selling tickets when you walked up?”
Guy: “Yes.”
We stand there a few more minutes.
Josh to me: “I think we’re supposed to be inside.”
Me to Josh: “Me too.”
Me to the guy: “So you’re sure there were people selling tickets out here?”
Guy: “Yes”
Josh and I look at each other and leave the line to make our way inside.  At the door I see that a handicapped man in a wheelchair and a woman (pushing his chair) are behind us so I hold the door open and we let them go in first.  They go left and we go right into the lobby.  Walking towards the ticket counter I’m at an angle behind Josh.  As I’m walking the woman pushes the man in the wheelchair into my path... (Now let me take a moment here to defend myself before I even give anyone a reason to be upset.  I don’t have anything against the handicapped, I don’t think they’re gross, I don’t feel compelled to stare. And for everyone deeply offended by what i’m about to say and wants to tell my i’m awful please address all of your... “thoughts...” to this email address Macswholeworld@gmail.com.)  Where was I? Oh yes, so I’m walking and the woman pushes the man’s legs directly into my path.  His legs actually go between mine in the middle of my stride.  I’m going to try very hard to paint you a picture of exactly how this felt... I’m beyond confused as to what the hell just happened, I try bring my back leg forward because that is what people do when they walk and my foot hits the foot/leg rest of his chair and my shin is pressing against his right leg.  I’m in the spot of my stride where there probably is no saving this, I should be worried about how much it’s going to hurt when I hit the marble (shiny tile...what ever it is) floor, but I’m not... Why? Because while I know logically what has happened I can’t believe it and I am trying not to react to the way his legs feel.  This man I don’t believe has his full mental capacity and if he ever had use of his legs it must have been a very long time ago because my mind is telling me these aren’t legs that are tripping me, they’re noodles... those foamy pool noodles at best...probably closer to massive pasta noodles attached to a man that I am now straddling. 

 I know it was only a moment  but it felt like forever trying to keep the grossed out factor off of my face and hoping that anything that peaked through would be judged as effort to not fall... fall? Shit! that’s right..I’m about to fall... I should probably do something about this because even if I don’t drag this man out of his chair it’s still going to be bad...and if I do... I don’t want to think about it. I try the desperate forward hop to catch myself for at least a second and hoping that will free my back foot from it’s noodley oppressor.  I found myself continuing forward and on my feet. THANK GOD.  Out of reflex I go to give the woman a “What the fuck?!” look and as I get half way there I realize it looks like I’m mean mugging the handicapped... ok really I caught glimpse of the noodles I had just touched, thought my face was going to give me away, and just hurried to catch up to Josh at the snack counter.  
Me: “OH MY GOD! Oh my God, oh my God...Sooooo gross Josh! Oh my God!”
Josh: “Haha what?! What is wrong with you?”
Me: “Noodles Josh! They were like NOODLES!”
Josh: “This is it, huh? the stroke we’ve been waiting for?”
Me: “I wish, NO! The wheelchair guy...his legs.. they’re noodles... she ran him into me...limp noodles!”
I go on to explain to Josh what happened.  He tries not to stare and mocks me for being an awful person.  (As if we didn’t already know.)
Still reeling from the experience we find seats in the theater.  We sit one row from the top and Josh is on the end.  The theatre isn’t full but there are a descent number of people there.  The lights dim and a couple walk in, go across the screen, and start walking up the stairs.  
Josh: “What do you wanna bet?”
Me: “Ugh the theatre isn’t even full.”
The couple stops at our row, squeeze past us, and the woman sits in the seat right next to me.  
Josh: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Me: “Seriously?!”
They a married couple who appear to be in their sixties and they have a huge bucket of delicious movie theatre popcorn. (only a couple of days before I decided to dive further into the love I have for the cult I am a proud member of...Crossfit...and try to go paleo...)  This is like torture, I’m STILL creeped out by noodle legs, i hate being around people as is much less sharing an arm rest with a stranger, AND one of my favorite snacks that I can’t have is now inches from my face.  OH good AND a coke commercial... The movie starts and the couple start having a conversation.  I mean sure Josh and I talk during movies but usually that just consists of one of us starts laughing and then it escalates until we’re crying quietly and shaking, but that only annoys Andrew (hey Andrew!) The woman starts checking stuff on her phone.  I guess she feels the beginning of the movie isn’t important.
Me: “I hate her and her popcorn!”
Josh: “Just reach over and take some.  That’s what she gets for sitting so close.”
I did not.  
The movie continues on and it reaches a scene where the camera is focused on the actors faces while the woman gives the man a hand job.  The man next to me is confused.
Man: “What’s she doing.”
Woman: “What?”
Man: “What is she doing?”
Woman: “She’s servicing him Richard.”
Man: “What?”
Woman: “She’s touching his penis Richard!”
Man: “Ohhhhh.”
I’m choking on my laughter at this point.  Josh asks me what’s so funny and I simply explain that there’s no way I can tell him quietly. They have several of these conversations through out the movie on less interesting plot points.  
The main character takes in a stray cat.  It’s greyish brown striped...like a million other cats. 

This is my Mom's cat Jasper which also looks like the movie cat/whiskers aka just like every other cat that isn't orange or black and white


The girls behind us begin to talk baby talk to the cat on the screen and then agree how much it looks like one of their cats.  After the third time I heard “aww pretty kitty just like my precious whiskers aren’t you?!” I looked at Josh...
Me: “You’re fucking with me today aren’t you?”
Josh: “What?”
Me: “You can’t hear those retards behind us talking baby talk to the cat on the screen?!”
Josh: “HA! No!”
I’m assuming they heard me because they stopped talking to/about ‘whiskers’ and I didn’t hear them again.   
The rest of the day was relatively uneventful...
Just another day being accosted by stupid people with a tiny dash of ...noodle legs...

Splintered

As you all know my ex-husband got a new girlfriend (we're still speculating what mental facility she escaped from) and thought that it was appropriate to cut off all contact with me (in his defense this seems to be an epidemic… really ladies? Am I THAT threatening to you? so sad.) 

So as I sat and thought about what a douche my ex is and how much time I wasted on him as a boyfriend, husband, and then friend it occurred to me that the only reason I have a $40/month storage unit is to hold on to old patio furniture I had bought him for his birthday.  I then remembered the judge telling him that anything he didn't remove from my possession would be my property… hmmm what to do…what…to…do…

That's when it hit me…I'll give it back to him…in pieces.

I went to Lowe's and picked out my weapon.  I went to the "TOOL WORLD" area and only found small hammers…these won't do.  I asked an employee:

Me: "Excuse me, where are y'alls sledge hammers?"

Employee: "Let me look."

He came back a few minutes later.

Employee: "Uh we don't have any.  Would you like just a large hammer?"

Me: "Y'all don't sell them? I looked online and it…nevermind.  No, thank you."

FYI they're over by the rakes.

This is my storage unit…full of furniture.  I would spend $40 a month for a friend, but I will not spend $40 a month for an asshole!

 

The blue sheets are my ex-husband's from when he was in college… They were also abandoned at my place.

Today was a lot warmer than I anticipated… 

Before you judge, I'm not as in shape as I was before my surgery and you should try slinging a sledge hammer for 10-15minutes straight.

 

Me and MY WHOLE WORLD! (she might have helped by pooping on it)

Delivery! 

Me taking pride in a job well done!  I sweat a lot, but like my friend MW said, "Haha no one wants you so who the hell do you have to impress?" She's right and besides…this honey badger doesn't give a shit!  No, I'm not a K-State fan but B is and my ex hates B more than just about anyone on this planet so how could I not wear a shirt that he gave me??? I considered putting it on my dog but I didn't want her to stretch it out.

A lot of effort to empty out my storage unit? Maybe, but I'm pretty awful and I'm willing to put in some work just to say fuck you when someone deserves it.

A Kick in the Dick

In my last entry I mentioned that my ex had not responded to a text that I sent him after he unfriended me.  I had put the story in as a side note but it really deserves to be an entry of it’s own.  

My Ex-husband is someone who says things that you know will never happen and he’ll never go through with.  This is one of the funniest examples I can give...

He contacted me one day saying how in two years he wants to go back packing across Europe.  After trying to explain to him that he’s not a carry your shit on your back kind of guy and that someone with an auto-immune disease might want to stay somewhere nicer than disgusting hostels with Euro-trash druggies I gave up and just let him go with it.  He then tells me that Pip is welcome to come... really? you want to go back packing with your ex-wife and her boyfriend? Fine whatever...
I tell MW about this trip and she says she HAS to be included...MW is MY friend and is easily as awful as I am.  I tell my ex and he agrees.  MW and I decide this isn’t fun enough so I decide if i’m going through Europe (I hate traveling by the way) I’m going to make this the most enjoyable train wreck ever and decide I should invite B to come too...B was mentioned in my previous entry as my close friend who destroyed my ex-husband on facebook when he was being a crazy person and screaming at me all the time.)

Me: “so MW and B are both in for traveling across europe….be excited and tell your sister to come… i assumed she was already coming though”
Mike: “haha ummm yeah not so much! I'm not going on a trip with a person that I literally can stand to be in the presence of. I haven't even brought it up with my sister. I doubt she would want to go anyways.”
Me: “haha i assume you can't stand the presence of B and not MW and you'll go w/ Pip but not B? Also you did not put stipulations on this trip when you said i should go you just said a group”
Mike: ”Yes Pip can join because he's cool. B is a douche bag that would make everyone's life miserable.”
Me: "everyone" is a little extreme but i'm pretty sure MW, B, and I are a package deal…and Pip isn't going if i'm not….i'm trying to make a bad ass group here”
Mike: “So you're taking my idea and running with it, nice!” Me: “is that a sarcastic nice?”
Mike: “sort of. Because Dusty and Melissa are interested in going”
Me: “i don't see what that has to do w/ MW and B… besides Melissa is awful and white trash and you tell me i should go and you invite her but i can't have B and MW come?”
Mike: “The plan is to go near May 2013. FIne B can come but I'll kick him in the dick if he acts like an ass!”

I took too long to respond apparently.

Mike: “Fine don't respond”
Me: “geeze i'm doing my hw you gave me like two seconds. Have you been drinking?”
Mike: “no. Why?
Me: “also i will tell him that if he doesn't behave you'll kick him in the dick.”
Mike: “and each person is responsible for keeping their subgroup in check!”
Me: “oh i already told him you were going to kick him in the dick”
Mike: “That's if you don't keep your subgroup member under control!”
Me: “haha i don't control B!!!”

He then changed the subject to ask if Pip and I was serious, shortly after that the conversation ended, and I reminded him to start stretching out so he can practice those high kicks.

Shortly after that conversation his air conditioner died and when he texted me to tell me that I told him where my spare key was and that he could go sit at my place until I get home.  After I finished at the gym I went home and he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, we went for Mexican and thank God it was 99 cent margarita night!
This is one of the conversations we had that night...

Me: “Oh, so I told B you’re going to kick him in the dick.  I don’t think he was that worried about it.”
Mike: “He can suck it.”
Me: “What exactly has he done to you to make you hate him so much?”
Mike: “That’s none of your business.”
Me: “Obviously, just my close friend and my ex-husband...of course it’s none of my business.”
Mike: “I have my reasons and I cannot stand him.”
Me: “Ok well lets pretend these feelings are valid and based in reality.  Do you think it’s a good idea to openly threaten a man so much bigger than you are? I mean he’s 6’4” and like 220lbs and you’re 5’9”, 150lbs, and you have crohn’s disease.”
Mike: “He’s a terrible human being and a douche bag.”
Me: “What did I tell you before about saying things like that?”
Silence
Mike: “I really will kick him in the dick.”
Me: “You might literally be retarded.  You’re at best suicidal.  Have you discussed this with your therapist?”
Mike: “B? Yes, a few times.”
Me: “No the fact that you want...wait...what?! Ya know what, I don’t even want to know.”

A couple of weeks later he asked if I wanted to go see a movie and I said sure.  While we were driving back from Destin...
Me: “Oh and Josh said he’s down with the back packing trip.”
Mike: “He can’t come.”
Me: “Haha what? Why not?”
Mike: “Because he can’t.”
Me: “So Pip, B, and MW can come but not josh huh?”
Mike: “That’s right.”
Me: “He’s coming.”

Not long after that while I was sitting on Facebook and Mike messaged me to let me know he had reconsidered and was now accepting that Josh will be going on this trip.

Mike: “Ok so, yeah Josh and B will be in the same group!”
Me: “oh Josh is in the dick kicking group?”
Mike: “yeah, but not to the same extent.”
Me: “i'm not sure what that means? like you won't kick him as hard?”
Mike: “Just looking at B will make me want to kick him in the nuts.  Josh would have to say something to piss me off.”
Me: “I'll be sure to let them know… B is pretty tall…this is gonna be an impressive front kick.”
Mike: “Actually take Josh out of that group, its only B.”
Me: “hahaha ok, better start getting limber then”
Mike: “B can suck it!”
Me: “haha i'm NOT protecting you from B… if you try to kick him in the dick he's probably going to knock you out”
Mike: “Like I said, he can suck it!”
Me: “haha ok”

MW, B, Josh, and I were really really really excited for this trip.  MW was going to film it so that we could share it with all of you.  So when he unfriended me the other day because he got a girlfriend I sent him a text message that just said:
“Uh if your gf won’t let you be fb friends w me how are supposed to have a dysfunctional back pack through Europe?”

I’m still trying to figure out what I’m the most upset about... That I married such a huge douche bag OR that this trip isn’t happening...
Pretty sure it’s the trip though... What a kick in the dick!

Sunday funday

I know... I know, I haven’t been giving my people what they need with the updates of how shitty my life is but I just won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t share this little bit of amazing.  Those of you that know me know that it only scratches the surface of my life but alas it’s all i’m allowed to share with you at the moment.... So here it is.
  On Thursday I was told that I’m being let go from the U.S. Air Force... Why? Well I’m not able to share the real story... yet. Either way just know that I’m getting fucked and soon I will be unemployed and I have to start my life all over.  So after that crushing news I took a four day weekend to crawl into what I like to call my “Depression Cocoon.”  Oh, what’s my “Depression Cocoon?”  Well I’ll tell you... When I decide that my overwhelming HATE for everything in this world is too much and my options are murder spree or complete isolation, luckily for all of you, I choose isolation.  I close the blinds and draw the shades, turn out the lights, fire up the xbox, pour myself a (a=many) drink(s) and then I spend as long as I can watching Netflix (usually “the office”) wrapped in a blanket on my couch.  I only leave my wonderful cocoon to let the dogs out, calls of nature, and more booze.  
  Man four days of Depression Cocoon! What could be better?! It literally is my favorite place on earth.... it lasted until sunday.  
 My boyfriend, for safety purposes he’s referred to as ‘Pip,’ tells me he’s going to get me a present to make me feel better (this was thursday).  I peak my head from the safety of my cocoon...
Me: “A present...?”
Pip: “Of course I want you to feel better!”
There is no more mention of said present and I curl safely back into my cocoon.

Saturday...
Pip: “Did you get anything?”
Me: “What? I’ll check...”
Like a fool I run outside (it’s noon and this is the first i’ve seen of the sun since... i dunno... 24hrs before?...the dogs make my sun schedule once I enter the cocoon if stupid work doesn’t make me do stuff)
Nothing on the porch...I eagerly continue on to the mailbox! Pressing forward... PRESENT?!?
I put my key in.... emptiness. Well maybe, maybe the mail man just hasn’t come yet...
I crawl back into my cocoon, pull my best friend (best friend=laptop aka facebook/internet machine) onto my lap and send Pip a reply.
Me: “Hey, I didn’t get anything, what are you talking about?”
Pip: “You will.”
Me: “um...ok... “

I close this and start talking to Josh...we speculate what my present that’s going to cheer me up for getting fired is going to be and then I notice that my ex-husband “checked-in” at Walt Disney World.  I honestly assumed he had gone there on a romantic weekend with his sister but then I saw that he had actually met a girl there... this was odd because usually he shares WAY more than I care about and I had just spoken to him Wednesday so I was a little surprised.  I looked at this girl’s page after I scanned the pictures she had put up and noticed that while she appears to be in her early 30’s she’s been on FB for less than a month and only has 2 FB friends (my ex and his sister)... at this point Josh and I decided that my ex was definitely dead and was being made into a skin suit by an online predator because really?! Any functional member of society could join FB tomorrow and have more than two friends... my dog has more than two friends (he made the page, stop judging me.)  I purposely didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to spook the girl (serial killer/newly released amish girl) into thinking a.) I gave a shit if she wanted him or b.) I didn’t want to cock block him.  I figured I would just wait until he got back and ask him all about it.

Now I want to make sure everyone understands this situation... my ex-husband was a horrible boyfriend (leave my low self esteem out of this) and then a mediocre husband at best.  He was always oddly close to his sister, who is built and looks like him in a wig mind you, and let his family openly hate me, actually let men step on me and mouth off to me, and then finally made it clear he wouldn’t care if I died before I finally made him admit he didn’t actually want to be married.  Why not? Well some of the reasons he listed were that I don’t cook and clean enough (I was working 15 hours more than him a week and making over twice, almost three times, as much as he was,) I deploy too much (in 4 years I’ve deployed 7 times and he was with me when I accepted my navigator slot in college BEFORE we were married,)  I work with too many men (I’m not sure how I can fix that,) and I make too much money (he did not mind my money when he was only making 30 grand a year and driving a GMC Sierra Denali,)  he would later (while I was deployed) add that I was just too manly for him (i’m sorry my 5’4” 112lbs frame is just too physically imposing for you.)  

He also MAY have been diagnosed by a medical professional as “bat shit crazy” and put on medication.   He would call me screaming like a psycho (I have witnesses who could hear him) and then sometimes he’d call me sobbing as if he actually cared about the fact that we weren’t married.  This went on from the end of March when he moved out until around December when my friend ‘B’ couldn’t stand it anymore and pointed out all of my ex’s short comings on my fb wall and then threatened to beat his ass if he didn’t leave me alone.  Considering the fact that I could beat my ex’s ass and that ‘B’ is actually a large man...oddly enough... he decided he didn’t want to be a psycho anymore.  (SIDE NOTE: I feel like I have to point out that this is the ONLY instance that I have been defended, much less publicly, period, dot, ever.)   During this time of psychosis from the time that he left until just a couple of weeks ago he would call at random and ask me to hang out or just share random bits of information.  B and my other friends would point out that I’m being a sucker and he just wants to hang out because he is such a loser that he doesn’t know anyone else here in Florida and he’s just guilting me into it and we would actually have disagreements over me hanging out with him.  BUT he said how we were friends and he still wanted to be friends and he was so sorry for being a psychopath and so I would go.  Just before my surgery (less than a month ago) we went and got dinner and a little while before that we went to a movie and before that I actually told him where my spare key was because I was at the gym and his air conditioning had died and so I let him go to my place to cool off.  He was obsessed with the dog we bought while we were married so if you’re his fb friend you can see the creepy pictures he took from inside my house while I wasn’t there.  Why tell you all of this??? (other than he’s obviously a douche)
And then it was Sunday....

Sunday at 0500 I get an email and something happens to wake me...
It’s an email from Agent Provocateur... Oh...what is Agent Provocateur you ask? Well let me explain, I personally like Victoria’s Secret and some women tell me I’m crazy for spending that much money on underwear (feel free to google prices.)  Agent Provocateur is an insanely expensive version of Victoria’s Secret.  I’m talking like at least $170 for a bra, $300 for a towel, and $90 for panties... those are the CHEAP ones on their site.  Now, the only reason I have heard of this place is because a couple of weeks ago Pip told me to look at their site because he thought there was one in Destin and he wanted to go while he was in town.  I looked at the site and I promptly told him that he was “insane,” that the store was “ridiculous,” and “who would waste $300 on panties?!” (i’m not kidding, look for yourself, there’s a pair of cotton panties for $300)
Pip: “You’re worth it.”
Me: “You know what’s not worth it?! FUCKING PANTIES!”
So I’m looking at this email’s subject in my in box and I’m thinking ‘you have got to be shitting me’ and I roll back over and go to sleep.  When I wake up I open the email and I am being notified that Pip has put a store credit of L200 (about $325) in my name.  I sit stunned, just staring at the computer.  The blinding rage slowly building.  Just to clarify where I’m coming from here, it would have been fine if for no reason I would have gotten this BUT this was supposed to be my “I’m so sorry and I just want you to feel better present.”
A pet peeve of mine is when some one buys a gift knowing that the person receiving it would never want it in a million years but that the giver will actually enjoy and THEN has the gall to try to take credit for being “nice” and “thoughtful” for buying themselves something.  It makes me want to set something on fire.  
I look and Josh is online and I immediately tell him what the gift was and explain that no, uncomfortable underwear does not in fact make me happy.  Other people I told have one of two responses “so he’s never actually met you?” or “hahahaha.”  
I send Pip an email explaining that I’m annoyed and why.
While I’m waiting for a response...

I go to see if there are any new Disney updates and I find that my ex and I are no longer FB friends.  After all that bullshit the SECOND another woman looks at him he can’t even be fake internet friends.  

Today is Wednesday and he STILL hasn’t responded to my text message because I have been completely cut off from all contact.
While I sit and discuss the fact that my ex-husband has yet again found a way to out douche himself Pip emails me back.
Pip: “Of course it’s a present for you.”
Me: “Oh well, ok then, if it’s for me and not you then i’m getting a beach towel and a tank top.”
Pip: “I’ll be sick if you waste my money like that.”
Me: “HA but it’s for me huh? I just can’t spend it however I want?”
Pip: “I spent a lot of money on it.”
Me: “That doesn’t make it meaningful. That makes it expensive.”
Pip: “But you talked about the store...”
Me: “Yes, how crazy it is and only because YOU told me about it and that YOU wanted to go there.”
Long story short I tried explaining three or four times why it upset me that my boyfriend bought me lingerie when I was sad and everyone else gets that that isn’t a gift for me but he does not and has proclaimed that he won’t comment further...

So it’s Sunday and I’m a sad panda so what do I want to do? I want to call my Mom and I just wanted her to say they’re a-holes.  I vented to my brother (as crazy as The Mac is he really is the rain man of counseling) for 40 minutes before he put mom on the phone.  I told her about the present and she tells me how awful I am... “I swear Ashley you really are your own worst enemy in every single aspect of your life.  Every single part.”  I try to tell her about how it’s not a gift to cheer me up it’s something for himself, but he’s attractive and spent a lot of money on me so obviously I’m a terrible person.  I moved on to my ex-husband using me because he had no one and then cutting all ties the minute he got a girlfriend and even though he hates my mother for no reason she of course came to his defense and nothing he does is as bad as other people (myself included.)
I told her thanks for being so supportive and I got off the phone...

SUNDAY
WAS
AWESOME!!!!