I'm Having Brad Pitt's Baby

So after about two years of doing Crossfit and still being the slow little one with out a six pack I finally decided that it’s time to actually try to eat well. Trying to eat better than I already did not only wouldn’t take a lot (considering most meals consisted completely of chips or some other junk) but it also didn’t last long before I just went all out Paleo, flinging myself 100% into the cult that is Crossfit. (I promise this entry isn’t about me and my love for my gym)

To complete my transition I was going to need some food...and recipes....and some clue how to cook... and getting over only eating crap... I chose to start with recipes. This was at least three hours of searching. I consider myself pretty good at this whole internet thing. I mean it’s kind of how I waste a majority of my time and three straight hours was spent searching for enough recipes to get me through a single week... this is not starting well. Being a person is hard...
Considering I love my dogs far more than myself I needed to go get them food first. Obviously I don’t feed them cheapo food like I usually do myself I drive to Destin to go to Petsmart to get them special breed specific food. I get to the store and start to walk through the crosswalk and apparently I thought that meant I had the right of way, not everyone agrees, they’re just suggestions to most people. After a 50 year old man made it clear, by only stopping his car within a foot of me, that he thought me makin him slow to a stop to let me cross makes me an asshole.

(Not optional to stop old man! and if you think I won’t use my pointy little pelvis to dent your mercedes you are wrong!)
After spending a ridiculous amount on dog food I headed to Fresh Market... you heard me...Fresh Market. I wasn’t sure what I would find but I had a feeling I would stand out. I parked and my over priced car fit in nicely in the parking lot so that raised my confidence a little. Once inside it was fairly easy to do my shopping and all seemed normal (more organic but normal, I mean everyone seemed like they had bathed regularly) until I got to the juice milk area where I heard this conversation.
Guy: “Can we have this yet?”
Girl: “No we’re only two days into our cleanse! Put it back.”
Judgement Judgement Judgement!
The rest of my Fresh Market experience was uneventful other than the fact that I’m not sure if I was a jerk and made the cashier empty my cart or if that’s what I was supposed to do. Again not the first person to  think I’m an asshole so I got over it quickly. There were a couple of normal products that I needed so I just went to Publix after my work out that night. Walking through the store I passed a man and woman who were in their mid twenties to early thirties and far more affectionate than I thought was acceptable grocery store etiquette but I had just done a WOD (Work Out of the Day) so even my judgement was tired. When I get to the check out the couple are in line in front of me.  The girl sees an atrocity that she cannot witness with out bringing our attention to it... she is compelled to share with strangers and seek comfort from her boyfriend. What did she see?

Woman: “OH MY GOD! Look at THIS! He makes me sick honestly, goes around
cheating on everyone! I mean don’t get me wrong she deserves this but still.
He...is...terrible!”
Cashier: “Are you looking at the one that says Brad Pitt has a baby with someone else?”
Woman: “Yes! And he left Jennifer Aniston for her. JENNIFER ANNISTON!”
Woman to Boyfriend: “Babe, Jennifer is better than Angelina right?”
Boyfriend: “Uh well I mean, I guess.”
Woman: “You guess? You guess? What do you mean you guess?!”

I’m enjoying this...watching this man shrink in on himself because these two strangers are watching it be revealed that he’s dating a crazy woman who isn’t that attractive.

Boyfriend: “Well I...”
Woman: “Jen is perfect! She is the all American woman... She’s real and she’s pretty
and she’s nice and she’s perfect and really?! You really don’t think she’s better than
Angelina?!”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, I mean yes I agree with you.”
Woman: “Good because I was going to say! I mean some people just have no taste.”

Well she has a point but I relate that more to reality than to people I’ve never met and know nothing about.

Woman: “Do you think it’s true?”
Boyfriend: “I don’t know.”
Woman: “But do you think it is?”
Boyfriend: “Ok c’mon lets go...”
Starts to lead her out by the hand.
Woman: “Do you think it’s true?”
Boyfriend: “Sure Babe.”

I love that I can feel his shame for dating a retard. I’m sure she can suck the chrome off a bumper from 50 yards so he’ll get over it once he can’t feel my judgement anymore.

Me: “Wow, I definitely have never seen someone get that upset over Star magazine.”
Cashier: “People get into it, I guess. I think people are too hard on Angie though.”

(oh God damn it.)
Me: “I don’t know either of them personally.”
Cashier: “Well he wanted children and Jen just wasn’t ready and that’s a big deal in a
marriage! Ya know? I’m sure lots of couples divorce because of that, don’t you think?”
Me: “I guess, but I’m divorced because my ex is a vagina.”
Cashier: “oh.”
Me: “Ok well have a good night.”

So for all the crazies out there I just wanted to announce that I’m having Brad Pitt’s 100th baby and that is really why I needed to learn how to cook.

Noodle Legs

    The other night I went to dinner with Josh and his family.  His sister asked if either of us had heard of a magazine called “Access.”  We had not.  She explained that it was supposed to be like “People Magazine” but just for Mobile, AL.  (I promise I will go into greater detail about the awesomeness, read as stupidity, of this magazine in another entry.)  She told us that some issues have a “Who wore it best?” article.  This we had to see.  

 
    The next day after we went to the Dew Drop Inn for lunch we decided to find a copy of this little piece of literary gold.  Our friend Andrew said his girlfriend would ask someone she worked with where we could find one.  
Andrew via text: “She says you can find it on facebook.”
Josh to me: “He says we can find it on facebook....ugh...”
Me: “What?”
Josh: “I have to like it to see where to buy it.”
 
Me: “Hahahahahaha! Everyone’s going to see it in their feed. Hahaha!”
Josh: “Yeah, yeah, I’m doing it.”
Josh proceeded to “like” the magazine and look up where to buy it.  He reads off a list of places in Mobile, SHOCKINGLY they’re all in Spring Hill (the rich part of Mobile where we went to high school.  We’ll go over this more on another day when I focus completely on this magazine...I’m actually considering getting a subscription just for Blog Fodder.) I turn the car around and head back towards Spring Hill.  
Me: “I really hate going to all these snoody places.”
Josh: “Uhhh you drive a BMW so we’re good.”
Me: “Haha it’s just an X3 so I’ll pretend my X6 is in the shop.  ‘Ugh so I told them...Custom means custom NOT off the shelf! Pfft, like I don’t know Italian leather when I see it!”
Josh: “They didn’t even put your initials in the seats and THEN they give you THAT to drive around in?! disgusting.”
    We laugh and go on about the things we should say when going into these silly stores.
    The first silly place we go into is the “Family Pharmacy of Spring Hill.”
 
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s cute... and has cute nick nacks and a soda shop...it’s also directly across the street from a CVS.  We walk awkwardly around this very small store front with absolutely no business there.  After a lap we come to the conclusion that not only do they not have our magazine they don’t have ANY magazines.  

Me while pretending to look at something in the store: “Well now that we’ve looked like we’ve cased the place I guess we should go.”
Josh: “I can’t believe there aren’t ANY magazines in here!”

We make a brisk exit and proceed to another place on the list.  “Five Gold Monkeys” is the next closest.


The best I could tell this place sells fabric and random shit.  The typical two Spring Hill girls were behind the counter.  (Picture “The Hills” but with a southern drawl and no cameras.)  We’re out of place and obviously the only people in the store because how many Springhill women and gay men need to redo their homes at the same time? During our lap we spot the weirdest fabric in the store and discus covering a living room floor to ceiling, after our giggling fit is finished we find ourselves back at the front of the store.  No magazine... what the hell?  We laugh at ourselves as we make our way out of the store, feeling the judgement from the two girls behind the desk.  
Me: “I guess we can try Ander’s Bookstore.  You listed them right?”
Josh: “Yeah that’s what it says, but it’s probably just trying to embarrass us more.”
Me: “My laziness is going to end this search long before my pride does.”

We get to Ander’s (a book store located across the street from the University of South Alabama, it’s the kind of bookstore you buy text books and other school related supplies.) and walk up and down the isles and NOTHING.  We decide that everyone is messing with us and embarrassed yet again we walk through the check out to leave.  As I’m walking out the door Josh sees it.  Tucked into the bottom of a small stand.  ACCESS Magazine! OH HAPPY DAY!  We go back to the check out counter, make our purchase, and exit the store.  Josh reads me the high lights (which will be discussed at great detail in a later post) and we laugh and laugh as we decide to go to a movie.  
At the theater there was a line out front (where you used to buy tickets) so we stand in the line for a few minutes when I ask the people in front of us.  
Me: “Were there people actually selling tickets when you walked up?”
Guy: “Yes.”
We stand there a few more minutes.
Josh to me: “I think we’re supposed to be inside.”
Me to Josh: “Me too.”
Me to the guy: “So you’re sure there were people selling tickets out here?”
Guy: “Yes”
Josh and I look at each other and leave the line to make our way inside.  At the door I see that a handicapped man in a wheelchair and a woman (pushing his chair) are behind us so I hold the door open and we let them go in first.  They go left and we go right into the lobby.  Walking towards the ticket counter I’m at an angle behind Josh.  As I’m walking the woman pushes the man in the wheelchair into my path... (Now let me take a moment here to defend myself before I even give anyone a reason to be upset.  I don’t have anything against the handicapped, I don’t think they’re gross, I don’t feel compelled to stare. And for everyone deeply offended by what i’m about to say and wants to tell my i’m awful please address all of your... “thoughts...” to this email address Macswholeworld@gmail.com.)  Where was I? Oh yes, so I’m walking and the woman pushes the man’s legs directly into my path.  His legs actually go between mine in the middle of my stride.  I’m going to try very hard to paint you a picture of exactly how this felt... I’m beyond confused as to what the hell just happened, I try bring my back leg forward because that is what people do when they walk and my foot hits the foot/leg rest of his chair and my shin is pressing against his right leg.  I’m in the spot of my stride where there probably is no saving this, I should be worried about how much it’s going to hurt when I hit the marble (shiny tile...what ever it is) floor, but I’m not... Why? Because while I know logically what has happened I can’t believe it and I am trying not to react to the way his legs feel.  This man I don’t believe has his full mental capacity and if he ever had use of his legs it must have been a very long time ago because my mind is telling me these aren’t legs that are tripping me, they’re noodles... those foamy pool noodles at best...probably closer to massive pasta noodles attached to a man that I am now straddling. 

 I know it was only a moment  but it felt like forever trying to keep the grossed out factor off of my face and hoping that anything that peaked through would be judged as effort to not fall... fall? Shit! that’s right..I’m about to fall... I should probably do something about this because even if I don’t drag this man out of his chair it’s still going to be bad...and if I do... I don’t want to think about it. I try the desperate forward hop to catch myself for at least a second and hoping that will free my back foot from it’s noodley oppressor.  I found myself continuing forward and on my feet. THANK GOD.  Out of reflex I go to give the woman a “What the fuck?!” look and as I get half way there I realize it looks like I’m mean mugging the handicapped... ok really I caught glimpse of the noodles I had just touched, thought my face was going to give me away, and just hurried to catch up to Josh at the snack counter.  
Me: “OH MY GOD! Oh my God, oh my God...Sooooo gross Josh! Oh my God!”
Josh: “Haha what?! What is wrong with you?”
Me: “Noodles Josh! They were like NOODLES!”
Josh: “This is it, huh? the stroke we’ve been waiting for?”
Me: “I wish, NO! The wheelchair guy...his legs.. they’re noodles... she ran him into me...limp noodles!”
I go on to explain to Josh what happened.  He tries not to stare and mocks me for being an awful person.  (As if we didn’t already know.)
Still reeling from the experience we find seats in the theater.  We sit one row from the top and Josh is on the end.  The theatre isn’t full but there are a descent number of people there.  The lights dim and a couple walk in, go across the screen, and start walking up the stairs.  
Josh: “What do you wanna bet?”
Me: “Ugh the theatre isn’t even full.”
The couple stops at our row, squeeze past us, and the woman sits in the seat right next to me.  
Josh: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Me: “Seriously?!”
They a married couple who appear to be in their sixties and they have a huge bucket of delicious movie theatre popcorn. (only a couple of days before I decided to dive further into the love I have for the cult I am a proud member of...Crossfit...and try to go paleo...)  This is like torture, I’m STILL creeped out by noodle legs, i hate being around people as is much less sharing an arm rest with a stranger, AND one of my favorite snacks that I can’t have is now inches from my face.  OH good AND a coke commercial... The movie starts and the couple start having a conversation.  I mean sure Josh and I talk during movies but usually that just consists of one of us starts laughing and then it escalates until we’re crying quietly and shaking, but that only annoys Andrew (hey Andrew!) The woman starts checking stuff on her phone.  I guess she feels the beginning of the movie isn’t important.
Me: “I hate her and her popcorn!”
Josh: “Just reach over and take some.  That’s what she gets for sitting so close.”
I did not.  
The movie continues on and it reaches a scene where the camera is focused on the actors faces while the woman gives the man a hand job.  The man next to me is confused.
Man: “What’s she doing.”
Woman: “What?”
Man: “What is she doing?”
Woman: “She’s servicing him Richard.”
Man: “What?”
Woman: “She’s touching his penis Richard!”
Man: “Ohhhhh.”
I’m choking on my laughter at this point.  Josh asks me what’s so funny and I simply explain that there’s no way I can tell him quietly. They have several of these conversations through out the movie on less interesting plot points.  
The main character takes in a stray cat.  It’s greyish brown striped...like a million other cats. 

This is my Mom's cat Jasper which also looks like the movie cat/whiskers aka just like every other cat that isn't orange or black and white


The girls behind us begin to talk baby talk to the cat on the screen and then agree how much it looks like one of their cats.  After the third time I heard “aww pretty kitty just like my precious whiskers aren’t you?!” I looked at Josh...
Me: “You’re fucking with me today aren’t you?”
Josh: “What?”
Me: “You can’t hear those retards behind us talking baby talk to the cat on the screen?!”
Josh: “HA! No!”
I’m assuming they heard me because they stopped talking to/about ‘whiskers’ and I didn’t hear them again.   
The rest of the day was relatively uneventful...
Just another day being accosted by stupid people with a tiny dash of ...noodle legs...