So after about two years of doing Crossfit and still being the slow little one with out a six pack I finally decided that it’s time to actually try to eat well. Trying to eat better than I already did not only wouldn’t take a lot (considering most meals consisted completely of chips or some other junk) but it also didn’t last long before I just went all out Paleo, flinging myself 100% into the cult that is Crossfit. (I promise this entry isn’t about me and my love for my gym)
To complete my transition I was going to need some food...and recipes....and some clue how to cook... and getting over only eating crap... I chose to start with recipes. This was at least three hours of searching. I consider myself pretty good at this whole internet thing. I mean it’s kind of how I waste a majority of my time and three straight hours was spent searching for enough recipes to get me through a single week... this is not starting well. Being a person is hard...
Considering I love my dogs far more than myself I needed to go get them food first. Obviously I don’t feed them cheapo food like I usually do myself I drive to Destin to go to Petsmart to get them special breed specific food. I get to the store and start to walk through the crosswalk and apparently I thought that meant I had the right of way, not everyone agrees, they’re just suggestions to most people. After a 50 year old man made it clear, by only stopping his car within a foot of me, that he thought me makin him slow to a stop to let me cross makes me an asshole.
(Not optional to stop old man! and if you think I won’t use my pointy little pelvis to dent your mercedes you are wrong!)
After spending a ridiculous amount on dog food I headed to Fresh Market... you heard me...Fresh Market. I wasn’t sure what I would find but I had a feeling I would stand out. I parked and my over priced car fit in nicely in the parking lot so that raised my confidence a little. Once inside it was fairly easy to do my shopping and all seemed normal (more organic but normal, I mean everyone seemed like they had bathed regularly) until I got to the juice milk area where I heard this conversation.
Guy: “Can we have this yet?”
Girl: “No we’re only two days into our cleanse! Put it back.”
Judgement Judgement Judgement!
The rest of my Fresh Market experience was uneventful other than the fact that I’m not sure if I was a jerk and made the cashier empty my cart or if that’s what I was supposed to do. Again not the first person to think I’m an asshole so I got over it quickly. There were a couple of normal products that I needed so I just went to Publix after my work out that night. Walking through the store I passed a man and woman who were in their mid twenties to early thirties and far more affectionate than I thought was acceptable grocery store etiquette but I had just done a WOD (Work Out of the Day) so even my judgement was tired. When I get to the check out the couple are in line in front of me. The girl sees an atrocity that she cannot witness with out bringing our attention to it... she is compelled to share with strangers and seek comfort from her boyfriend. What did she see?
cheating on everyone! I mean don’t get me wrong she deserves this but still.
He...is...terrible!”
Cashier: “Are you looking at the one that says Brad Pitt has a baby with someone else?”
Woman: “Yes! And he left Jennifer Aniston for her. JENNIFER ANNISTON!”
Woman to Boyfriend: “Babe, Jennifer is better than Angelina right?”
Boyfriend: “Uh well I mean, I guess.”
Woman: “You guess? You guess? What do you mean you guess?!”
I’m enjoying this...watching this man shrink in on himself because these two strangers are watching it be revealed that he’s dating a crazy woman who isn’t that attractive.
Boyfriend: “Well I...”
Woman: “Jen is perfect! She is the all American woman... She’s real and she’s pretty
and she’s nice and she’s perfect and really?! You really don’t think she’s better than
Angelina?!”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, I mean yes I agree with you.”
Woman: “Good because I was going to say! I mean some people just have no taste.”
Well she has a point but I relate that more to reality than to people I’ve never met and know nothing about.
Woman: “Do you think it’s true?”
Boyfriend: “I don’t know.”
Woman: “But do you think it is?”
Boyfriend: “Ok c’mon lets go...”
Starts to lead her out by the hand.
Woman: “Do you think it’s true?”
Boyfriend: “Sure Babe.”
I love that I can feel his shame for dating a retard. I’m sure she can suck the chrome off a bumper from 50 yards so he’ll get over it once he can’t feel my judgement anymore.
Me: “Wow, I definitely have never seen someone get that upset over Star magazine.”
Cashier: “People get into it, I guess. I think people are too hard on Angie though.”
(oh God damn it.)
Me: “I don’t know either of them personally.”
Cashier: “Well he wanted children and Jen just wasn’t ready and that’s a big deal in a
marriage! Ya know? I’m sure lots of couples divorce because of that, don’t you think?”
Me: “I guess, but I’m divorced because my ex is a vagina.”
Cashier: “oh.”
Me: “Ok well have a good night.”
So for all the crazies out there I just wanted to announce that I’m having Brad Pitt’s 100th baby and that is really why I needed to learn how to cook.
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