Never more

I have an alarm system in my place.  Late last night the standby battery went dead which causes the system to make six ear piercing beeps every minute for about ten minutes every hour.   As I sat on my couch nearly napping, suddenly there came a beeping.  I went over to the wall panel and pressed the test button.

Quothe the panel: “System Battery Low.”

Me: “Tis the battery and nothing more.”

I went back to my couch to google where the battery for my alarm is and how to remove it.  My dogs informed me that it was my responsibility to make the terrible beeping stop.  Unfortunately they cannot tell the difference between me trying to find a solution online and my usual night of wasting my life on facebook so my 90lbs german shepherd and my 9lbs pom-chi started crawling in my lap and trying to take my lap top off of my lap.

As I sat on my couch nearly napping, suddenly there came a beeping!

Me: “Tis the battery and nothing more.”

I found where the battery is located and the web site says if I remove it the beeping will stop.  Now it has been a few hours each filled with ten minutes of beeping and 100lbs of dog feeling that my problem solving abilities are lacking.  I open the case that holds the battery and is it a normal battery? Oh of course not! It’s the 6volt version of a car battery with wires coming out of it.  It’s around 0200 at this point, I haven’t been to sleep and the standard pain in my stomach started back up around 0030.  I pry out the battery and go back to my couch to start a google search for where to buy this kind of battery.  I’m feeling victorious.

As I sat on my couch nearly napping, suddenly there came a beeping!

Me: “Tis the battery and nothing more. FUCK!”

I walk back to the panel and consider ripping it out of the wall or burning my place to the ground.  I decide to push the rage down into the ulcer or where ever the pain is coming from.  I decide to try to detach the speaker but I’m not sure if this will cause the system to call the police or if I’ll break it.  I go back to the couch and google where to find a weirdo battery.

As I sat on my couch nearly napping, suddenly there came a beeping!

Me: “Tis the battery and nothing more.  I’m gonna kill myself!”

In my search I find that you can’t buy the weirdo battery anywhere you have to order it online. 

It’s now three something in the morning and it occurs to me that I can flip the circuit breaker.  My dogs and I are both disgusted at the amount of time it took me to figure that out and the beeping may have actually driven me insane… 

The Dentist

I have to start this story two years ago at my dental check up.  During my check up I was told that my teeth are perfect and whatever i'm doing i should keep it up because they look great! Awesome...Right so, fast forward to a year later at my next check up where the dentist tells me that i pretty much have a cavity in every tooth in my head. 

Male Dentist 1: "Ma'am do you floss everyday?"

Me: "Ha no."

Male Dentist 1: "Well why don't you? You really have to start."

Me: "Uh because flossing sucks and a year ago i was told i didn't need to change anything."

The conversation went down hill from there.  I was scheduled to have two cavities and an abrasion fixed.  I went to that appointment and I believe that was where Male Dentist 1 cut into my tongue with the sand paper like material he was using to smooth out the filling.  After that pleasant experience I was told that i have two more cavities and another abrasion that needs to be filled but they won't be able to fit me in before I deploy.

Dental Tech: "I'm sorry Ma'am we can't fit you in before you leave and our books don't go far enough out for us to schedule it after so you'll just have to call us when you get back."

Me: "Why exactly can't you fit me in? I don't leave for over two weeks."

Dental Tech: "Well we have other appointments..."

Me: "Yeah i get that. My point is that i doubt all of your appointments for the next two weeks are deploying or can't be rescheduled because my last appointment was rescheduled twice soooo"

Dental Tech: "Well we can't just let you take someone's appointment."

Me: "So my teeth get to get worse over the next few months instead of you sending out an email, that y'all sent me twice by the way, to someone on this base who probably never deploys?"

Blank stare. 

After my deployment I called and made an appointment and when I got there this was the conversation I had. 

Female Dentist: "Ok, today we're just going to be repairing a little abrasion so it shouldn't take very long at all."  

Me: "Um and two fillings."

Female Dentist: "Uh no, just the abrasion."

Me: "Well I'm sure I was told that that's what i need."

Female Dentist: "Well it's not in your chart so we're not doing it."

Me: "Ok that's probably just a mistake.  I mean you can't take the time to check?"

Female Dentist: "It's not in your chart."

Me: "I understand it was left out of my chart but my file does have my last set of x-rays so you can't just look at them and see if you see anything that should be fixed."

Female Dentist: "No."

Me: "Seriously? There's nothing I can say to get you to help me right now? When can i get help?"

Female Dentist: "No and you'll have to wait until your next yearly exam.  If there's anything wrong i'm sure it won't progress that far in a year."

Me: "Yeah, i'm sure...great."

She then proceeds to shove a needle so far into the side of my cheek that i heard and felt a loud pop.  Then she started drilling on my tooth before it was numb.  JOY.

You're now caught up to today.  I have been dreading this appointment and what they might find. They call me back and I tell the tech the very abbreviated story of having two cavities that were never filled a year ago...she's completely uninterested but she at least pities me enough to say they should have fixed them.  After she gets done with the water pick power washer, which is at least better than the evil metal hook they used at one time, the dentist comes in and looks at my xrays.

Male Dentist 2: "Well you have weak spots between most of your teeth."

Me: "Right so at my check up last year I was told I have two that need to be filled but then at the appointment they refused to fill them..."

Male Dentist 2: "Well you see the way it works is that if it isn't that bad through proper dental hygiene a person's teeth can actually repair the damage.  So I'm sure that is what they were referring to."

Me: "No, it's not. They made an appointment to..."

Male Dentist 2: "Right, well we're going to fill between 12 and 13. OK lets have a look." 

So i don't remember what numbers he said but you get the idea. He interrupted me because obviously i'm an idiot.  He rolls next to me and starts looking in my mouth.  After inspecting my teeth he does the cancer exam.

Male Dentist 2: "Lay your tongue flat."

I flatten my tongue.

Male Dentist 2: " 'At a girl!" 

He patted my head when he said that. 

Male Dentist 2: "How many sodas do you drink?"

Me: "One to two a day and I try to only drink diet drinks though." 

Male Dentist 2: "Right, what about gatorade or energy drinks?"

Me: "Sigh, I try just to drink diet drinks and I don't drink sports drinks."

He feels that i'm lying.

Male Dentist 2 to Tech: "Put her on the high risk list and what did her teeth actually look like BEFORE you worked on them?"

I am pissed...the tech is uncomfortable.

Tech: "umm I haven't actually polished them yet."

Male Dentist 2: "Ok fine but she had tarter before you blasted them right?"

Tech: "No actually she didn't...her teeth look great."

Male Dentist 2: "Well you need to brush twice a day, floss, and we're going to put you on the high risk list so that you get seen twice a year."

Me: "Ok I DO brush twice a day, I DO floss, I try to avoid drinks with sugar, AND if you notice my file there has a huge green paper stapled to it that says i'm already on that list BUT that doesn't mean anything because no one sees me every six months and I can only make an appointment with y'all once a year!"

Male Dentist 2: "Oh...Let me see her chart."

The Tech hands it to him. He looks it over and compares my xrays.

Male Dentist 2: "Umm so the places that we were worried about over the last two years haven't actually changed at all since '07 so we're not actually going to do anything and maybe they won't get any worse since they haven't in the last four years.  So make her an appointment for six months from now."

He walks out. The tech does my cleaning and fluoride treatment.  

Tech: "Ok Ma'am you're all done."

Me: "Do I need to make my appointment at the front desk?"

Tech: "oh, our books don't go out that far but the computer system should remind us to call you but if you haven't heard from us in six months then you should give us a call." 

Me: "Great...see you in a year."

Soooo I'm positive no one at the dental clinic will see me for at least a year but the question is which diagnosis will I get? Perfect, fucked up requiring hours of painful work, or stable? You got me again AF medicine...you got me good!

Ladies Night

There are not a lot of women in our squadron so occasionally we try to get together for a ladies night.  Last night Chris, Liz, Holly, and I were having drinks and dinner at McGuire's.  Liz's husband Mike was nice enough to drive and act as our security while keeping his distance and sitting at the bar.  The four of us were talking and having a good time when two men invite themselves to sit at our table.  

Douche 1 "Hey ladies, if y'all don't mind we'd like to sit with you b/c i was just showing my Air Force friend here around the area and I thought we could join you guys."

We are not nice women. He thinks dropping that they're in the air force is impressive. They have made a mistake. 

Douche 2 takes Holly's drink and starts drinking out of it.  

We give him a collective "What the fuck?"

Douche 2: "What? i just wanted to try it." 

Holly: "And you'll just be buying me another one."

Douche 2: "What? Here take it back."

The women are growing hostile.

Douche 1: "OK OK I'm sorry for my friend. He's going to buy you a new one."

Me: "Well now that that's settled I do believe you were oh so subtly telling us that y'all are in the Air Force and I am oh so curios as to what y'all do."

Douche 1: "We're jet fighters."

Liz: "You're what?"

Douche 1: "We're jet fighters."

Holly: "So you're pilots?"

Douche 2: "Yep."

Me: "Liz did he say 'jet fighters'?"

Liz: "uhh yeah."

Me: "They don't sound foreign so who the fuck says jet fighters?"

No i was not whispering and yes they could hear me. 

Douche 1: "Ya know we have to take these classes on how not to answer questions from persuasive women like yourselves."

We burst into laughter.

Holly: "oh wow really?"

Liz: "Oh what is this class called?"

Chris: "That sounds really hard."

Douche 2: "So what do you ladies do?"

Chris: "Well we..."

Me: "Whoa whoa whoa! I think these oh so impressive pilots need to guess what we do."

Douche 2: "Ok well lets see...You guys are really laid back so i'm going to guess you're in the Air Force." 

There is a collective roll of the eyes because that doesn't even make any sense.

Douche 1: "I don't know maybe not..."

Douche 2: "Well I know you're not pilots because i mean if you were a pilot you wouldn't have cared if I drank out of your drink."

Liz: "What? she doesn't know where you've been."

Douche 2: "Right but a pilot wouldn't care so you're obviously not a pilot."

Holly: "Oh sorry i'm not cool enough to be a pilot."

Douche 2: "It's just a frame of mind.  Do you know why a pilot wouldn't care?"

At the top of lungs I start singing and i'm quickly joined by Liz "CUZ I'M A PILOT!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT ME, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I BRING YOUR JET BACK CODE 2 OR CODE 3...CUZ I'M A PILOT!!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT ME!"

We all have a good laugh at their expense. 

Chris and Douche 2 begin a conversation about challenging the other to whip out their CAC and prove they're on active duty.  

Chris: "Ok so you still haven't said what you think we do."

Douche 2: "I'm going to say Medical."

Me: "Oh my god i knew you were going to say nurses...everyone always thinks i'm a nurse..."

Douche 2: "Hey, i said medical not nurse so don't put the problems you have with yourself on me."

Me: "haha yeah sure that's what's happening here."

At this point Mike has seen enough from the bar and walks over to our table.  

Mike: "Look guys i'm going to do you a favor here...."

Douche 1: "Hey, we weren't trying to bother anyone..."

Liz: "I waved you off!"

Me: "Oh c'mon Mike we're just having some fun with them. I mean that one called himself a jet fighter for Christ's sake.."

Mike: "Seriously guys.  I'm sure you think you're really impressing my wife (points to liz) and her friends but you're not...you're embarrassing yourselves because these women have individually killed more people than the two of you combined so..."

Douche 1 looks at us and he has fear in his eyes.

Me: "OH MY GOD! You two are 319th homos aren't you?! HAHAHA that's it isn't it!"

Douche 2 is still looking at Mike.

Douche 2: "Shit, they're in AC-130's aren't they?!"

Mike: "Yes, you picked the wrong table."

Now i can't say that they literally ran away but it was about as close as it gets.  I'm pretty sure they went and hid in a corner of the restaurant until later in the night when Douche 1 came back to our table to apologize. 

Douche 1: "Hey, we were just trying to have a good time..."

Me: "What is with you guys? No one believes you're fighter pilots, that's what it's called by the way so stop saying jet fighter.  Also it makes you a douche that you don't just say you're in the 319th because guess what....no one cares about your boring ass job. But at least you're not as big of a douche as your little friend over there." 

We shook his hand and excused him from our presence.  We are not nice women....we're gunship girls and you're a homo.

Dr.'s Visit

  So for the last three years I’ve had pain in the same place in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen.  When it happens seem random and sometimes it’s just discomfort and others it’s a sharp stabbing pain.  I also have waves of intense nausea and sometimes I let myself throw up instead of trying to muscle through it.  Obviously this is not pleasant and I’ve been trying to get the flight doctors to help me with no success.  Usually they act as though it’s something I should just deal with.  I’ve had then ultrasound my gallbladder twice.  The first time was because I was in the hospital at the beginning of this pain because I had become septic and the second time was this summer after I kept passing out and had severe pain while deployed.  The first time they found a thickening of the wall of the gallbladder and the second time they found sludge.  Finally the other day I had my yearly flight physical and I basically refused to leave the doctor’s office until he sent me to someone else.  He reluctantly agreed once he realized I wasn’t going to be shamed out of my argument and he referred me to the general surgeon.

   My appointment was at 1330 and I arrived about 20 minutes early.  Five minutes later I was called back to the examination room where an airman basic comes in to take my vitals.  I sit and wait for about ten minutes when there’s a knock on the door.  I expect a doctor in either a lab coat or Colonel rank to come in.  In walks a young woman in ABU’s wearing cadet rank.  Yes,  I’m serious…a college student.  I resist the urge to tell her to get out because really I doubt the surgeon is any better.  She asks me what’s going on and I tell her the long drawn out three year long story. 

Cadet: “well I see where on your last ultra sound they found sludge and a pollup.”

Me: “Uhh they didn’t mention a pollup…”

Cadet: “Oh well they’re probably just assuming it’s benign.”

Me: “Is that pretty standard to assume an abnormal growth in the same location as pain is benign?”

Cadet: “I’m sure it’s fine.”

Me: “Great.”

She then begins to tell me how the gallbladder works…like I haven’t googled the organ that’s hurt for the last few years that they keep looking at and finding things wrong with but doing nothing about.  She explains that since it doesn’t hurt right after I eat that it’s probably not my gallbladder but that they can order a hida scan to test if my gallbladder works. Ok yeah sure great whatever.  She goes on to say that she thinks I have several problems and that my gallbladder is just a small part of what causes my symptoms.

Cadet: “So the pain is always in the same place?”

Me: “yes, right here.”

I pointed to the one little miserable spot on my stomach.

Cadet: “So it doesn’t radiate or feel like that anywhere else?”

Me: “No. This spot. Right here. Three years.”

Cadet: “well they may want to try some kind of PPI to see if that works before they just cut you open.”

PPI is medication for acid reflux.

Me: “Great”

Cadet: “ok well the surgeon is running behind but he will come in here and talk to you.”

Me: “Thanks”

She leaves the room.  I’m laying on the table bored out of my mind.  I fall asleep five times and I’m somehow getting enough signal on my cell to try and text people.  Luckily Mary Wynne pities me enough to make fun of the fact that they’re going to kill me.  At one point I fall asleep and 3 airman come busting in the room.

Airman 1: “Uh I think this is the wrong room”

Airman 2: Looks down at a small yellow card “What’s your name?”

Me: “Jacqueline McLain”

Airman 2: “Yep, wrong room.”

Lil assholes woke me up for no reason!

I sat there for two hours before I could hear the cadet outside the door talking to someone.  She tells him that I have pain and that he should try a PPI first.  He walks in and introduces himself.

Dr: “Well I’m not so sure it’s your gallbladder but we’ll order a hida scan but that’s going to take a few weeks to get scheduled and then a week after that come back and we’ll talk about it.  Do you ever have heart burn?”

Me: “No”

Dr: “So your esophagus never hurts?”

Me: “No”

Dr: “ It never hurts right here?” Runs his hand up and down where his esophagus is.

Me: “NO! and I know where my esophagus is. IT HURTS RIGHT HERE! RIGHT HERE! FOR THREE YEARS I HAVE HAD INTERMITANT PAIN RIGHT HERE!” (obviously I was pointing the spot)

Dr: “Well maybe it’s acid reflux so I’m going to prescribe you some nexium but we’ll still order the scan.”

Me: “So we’re still assuming that pollup is benign?”

Dr: “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Me: “Great”

He left and I went to the pharmacy to pick up my pills.  I am not sure what is going to piss me off more…if it’s just an overwhelming amount of acid in my stomach and none of the 50 other doctors suggested this solution or if it’s my stupid gallbladder like I’ve been screaming for three years and I get to wait another month.  It’s fine…what’s a little pain, nausea and vomiting between friends.

 

A Short Story

I needed to pick up a few things at the grocery store so I stopped at the winn-dixie near my place.  Walking back to my car I was behind two gentlemen as they shuffle scuffed to their truck that was parked diagonally to the rear of mine.  To put this conversation into context I drive a BMW X3, I'm wearing baggy work out shorts and an old AFROTC shirt from college, and my hair is in a sloppy pony tail.  The driver gets into the truck and the passenger waits with his door open and watches me as i go to open the back of my car.  

Guy: "Ohhhhh look who's drivin dat fancy car!"

Me: "thanks"

I start putting the bags in my car.

Guy: "It sure is nice."

This guy sounds friendly enough and hasn't moved closer but now i'm starting to wonder about where this conversation is going so I stop loading the car and look him in the eye. 

Me: "Yes. Thank You."

Guy: "Sugar did you work real hard for that?"

I see where the conversation is headed now.

Me: "Hard is a relative term but I work and I pay for it."

Guy: "Oh so you think you deserve it then, no one gave it to you?"

I start loading the last couple of bags into the car.

Me: "I've deployed six times in three years and i'm not kept by anyone if that answers all the questions you have about my business."

Guy: "Ok, Ok, Ok, i see...you da man. Dat's how you roll you da man."

Me: "Yeah sure, whatever that means." 

Yeah i don't know why i hate people so much...