Ladies Night

There are not a lot of women in our squadron so occasionally we try to get together for a ladies night.  Last night Chris, Liz, Holly, and I were having drinks and dinner at McGuire's.  Liz's husband Mike was nice enough to drive and act as our security while keeping his distance and sitting at the bar.  The four of us were talking and having a good time when two men invite themselves to sit at our table.  

Douche 1 "Hey ladies, if y'all don't mind we'd like to sit with you b/c i was just showing my Air Force friend here around the area and I thought we could join you guys."

We are not nice women. He thinks dropping that they're in the air force is impressive. They have made a mistake. 

Douche 2 takes Holly's drink and starts drinking out of it.  

We give him a collective "What the fuck?"

Douche 2: "What? i just wanted to try it." 

Holly: "And you'll just be buying me another one."

Douche 2: "What? Here take it back."

The women are growing hostile.

Douche 1: "OK OK I'm sorry for my friend. He's going to buy you a new one."

Me: "Well now that that's settled I do believe you were oh so subtly telling us that y'all are in the Air Force and I am oh so curios as to what y'all do."

Douche 1: "We're jet fighters."

Liz: "You're what?"

Douche 1: "We're jet fighters."

Holly: "So you're pilots?"

Douche 2: "Yep."

Me: "Liz did he say 'jet fighters'?"

Liz: "uhh yeah."

Me: "They don't sound foreign so who the fuck says jet fighters?"

No i was not whispering and yes they could hear me. 

Douche 1: "Ya know we have to take these classes on how not to answer questions from persuasive women like yourselves."

We burst into laughter.

Holly: "oh wow really?"

Liz: "Oh what is this class called?"

Chris: "That sounds really hard."

Douche 2: "So what do you ladies do?"

Chris: "Well we..."

Me: "Whoa whoa whoa! I think these oh so impressive pilots need to guess what we do."

Douche 2: "Ok well lets see...You guys are really laid back so i'm going to guess you're in the Air Force." 

There is a collective roll of the eyes because that doesn't even make any sense.

Douche 1: "I don't know maybe not..."

Douche 2: "Well I know you're not pilots because i mean if you were a pilot you wouldn't have cared if I drank out of your drink."

Liz: "What? she doesn't know where you've been."

Douche 2: "Right but a pilot wouldn't care so you're obviously not a pilot."

Holly: "Oh sorry i'm not cool enough to be a pilot."

Douche 2: "It's just a frame of mind.  Do you know why a pilot wouldn't care?"

At the top of lungs I start singing and i'm quickly joined by Liz "CUZ I'M A PILOT!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT ME, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I BRING YOUR JET BACK CODE 2 OR CODE 3...CUZ I'M A PILOT!!!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT ME!"

We all have a good laugh at their expense. 

Chris and Douche 2 begin a conversation about challenging the other to whip out their CAC and prove they're on active duty.  

Chris: "Ok so you still haven't said what you think we do."

Douche 2: "I'm going to say Medical."

Me: "Oh my god i knew you were going to say nurses...everyone always thinks i'm a nurse..."

Douche 2: "Hey, i said medical not nurse so don't put the problems you have with yourself on me."

Me: "haha yeah sure that's what's happening here."

At this point Mike has seen enough from the bar and walks over to our table.  

Mike: "Look guys i'm going to do you a favor here...."

Douche 1: "Hey, we weren't trying to bother anyone..."

Liz: "I waved you off!"

Me: "Oh c'mon Mike we're just having some fun with them. I mean that one called himself a jet fighter for Christ's sake.."

Mike: "Seriously guys.  I'm sure you think you're really impressing my wife (points to liz) and her friends but you're not...you're embarrassing yourselves because these women have individually killed more people than the two of you combined so..."

Douche 1 looks at us and he has fear in his eyes.

Me: "OH MY GOD! You two are 319th homos aren't you?! HAHAHA that's it isn't it!"

Douche 2 is still looking at Mike.

Douche 2: "Shit, they're in AC-130's aren't they?!"

Mike: "Yes, you picked the wrong table."

Now i can't say that they literally ran away but it was about as close as it gets.  I'm pretty sure they went and hid in a corner of the restaurant until later in the night when Douche 1 came back to our table to apologize. 

Douche 1: "Hey, we were just trying to have a good time..."

Me: "What is with you guys? No one believes you're fighter pilots, that's what it's called by the way so stop saying jet fighter.  Also it makes you a douche that you don't just say you're in the 319th because guess what....no one cares about your boring ass job. But at least you're not as big of a douche as your little friend over there." 

We shook his hand and excused him from our presence.  We are not nice women....we're gunship girls and you're a homo.