SPANK TENT

I went home because my Dad said that he would take a day off of work and we could hang out. (For those of you who know me you know this is the first time in my 28 years that my dad has offered to hang out with JUST me.) I went to the gym in the evening, then to my place to pack, and then to my parents’ house. I got there around midnight, I was exhausted, and I found there was someone in “my” bedroom, so I went and laid on the couch.
When I’m at my parents’ house it means there are 5 dogs (two little ones and three that are between 80-120lbs) so actually sleeping is almost impossible in a bedroom and completely impossible in the living room. I ASSUMED that my father had gone to sleep in there because he’d been having trouble sleeping and didn’t want to disturb my mom... that’s what would have been the case to someone with a normal life... It’s now 0400 and I’m pissed off on the couch when my brother walks in.


Mac: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Well I’m trying to freaking sleep but God knows you can’t sleep in this fucking house and to make it worse Dad is asleep in my room!”
Mac: “Uh, yeah he’s not.”
Me: “Oh well fuck! I thought I heard the sound machine in there.”
Mac: “Oh uh yeah you did. I was asleep in there. Here I’ll go back to my room and you can go to sleep in  there.”
Me: “Wait. What?”
Mac: “I was sleeping in your room but i can go back to my room.”
Me: “Why were you sleeping in my room?”
Mac: “Your bed is comfortable.”
Me: “You have a queen in your room and mine is a double. Why were you sleeping in my room.”
Mac: “I was using the internet.”
Me: “Excuse me? You have a lap top and they have wireless! You have a flat screen tv in your room with a PS3 and satellite! Are you fucking with me right now?!”
Mac: “It’s fine. I’ll go back to my room.”

I follow him down the hall towards our bedrooms still asking (screaming) if he’s joking. He goes into my room, starts collecting the laptop, and then STARTS PUTTING A RAG INTO THE POCKET OF HIS SWEAT PANTS!!!

Me: “HOLY FUCKING SHIT! YOU ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING BUM ON THE PLANET AND I HATE YOU!”

Silence

I go back out to the couch and sit there so angry I consider burning my parents house down. An hour or so later my Dad wakes up.


Dad: “Hey, did you sleep at all?”
Me: “NO! No Dad I freaking didn’t! Would you like to know why DAD?! Because! Because your son has been using my room as his personal spank tent!”
Dad: “What?”
Me: “You heard me! He’s gross and he’s been using my room and it smells and I hate him!”
Dad: “Well sheets are washable.”

Dad walks out of the room.
Dad and I went to lunch and a movie. When we got home he washed my sheets and put them back on my bed.
I walk into the living room.


Mom: “Wow your Dad washed the sheets for you AND put them back on the bed??”
Me: “Yes Mother and do you know why?”
Mom: “No.”
Me: “Because Mother your son was using my room as his spank tent!”
Mom: “His what?”
Me: “His spank tent Mom!”
Mom: “I don’t know what that means.”
Me: “The place he uses to touch himself MOTHER! He is gross and I hate him!”
Mom: “Oh Ashley, C’mon.”
Me: “Seriously?!”
Mom: “Your Dad washed the sheets.”
Me: “It’s like my life is a constant stream of fucked up jokes.”
Mom: “What?”

How is no one upset about this?
Be jealous of my life people... so jealous.