I know... I know, I haven’t been giving my people what they need with the updates of how shitty my life is but I just won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t share this little bit of amazing. Those of you that know me know that it only scratches the surface of my life but alas it’s all i’m allowed to share with you at the moment.... So here it is.
On Thursday I was told that I’m being let go from the U.S. Air Force... Why? Well I’m not able to share the real story... yet. Either way just know that I’m getting fucked and soon I will be unemployed and I have to start my life all over. So after that crushing news I took a four day weekend to crawl into what I like to call my “Depression Cocoon.” Oh, what’s my “Depression Cocoon?” Well I’ll tell you... When I decide that my overwhelming HATE for everything in this world is too much and my options are murder spree or complete isolation, luckily for all of you, I choose isolation. I close the blinds and draw the shades, turn out the lights, fire up the xbox, pour myself a (a=many) drink(s) and then I spend as long as I can watching Netflix (usually “the office”) wrapped in a blanket on my couch. I only leave my wonderful cocoon to let the dogs out, calls of nature, and more booze.
Man four days of Depression Cocoon! What could be better?! It literally is my favorite place on earth.... it lasted until sunday.
My boyfriend, for safety purposes he’s referred to as ‘Pip,’ tells me he’s going to get me a present to make me feel better (this was thursday). I peak my head from the safety of my cocoon...
Me: “A present...?”
Pip: “Of course I want you to feel better!”
There is no more mention of said present and I curl safely back into my cocoon.
Saturday...
Pip: “Did you get anything?”
Me: “What? I’ll check...”
Like a fool I run outside (it’s noon and this is the first i’ve seen of the sun since... i dunno... 24hrs before?...the dogs make my sun schedule once I enter the cocoon if stupid work doesn’t make me do stuff)
Nothing on the porch...I eagerly continue on to the mailbox! Pressing forward... PRESENT?!?
I put my key in.... emptiness. Well maybe, maybe the mail man just hasn’t come yet...
I crawl back into my cocoon, pull my best friend (best friend=laptop aka facebook/internet machine) onto my lap and send Pip a reply.
Me: “Hey, I didn’t get anything, what are you talking about?”
Pip: “You will.”
Me: “um...ok... “
I close this and start talking to Josh...we speculate what my present that’s going to cheer me up for getting fired is going to be and then I notice that my ex-husband “checked-in” at Walt Disney World. I honestly assumed he had gone there on a romantic weekend with his sister but then I saw that he had actually met a girl there... this was odd because usually he shares WAY more than I care about and I had just spoken to him Wednesday so I was a little surprised. I looked at this girl’s page after I scanned the pictures she had put up and noticed that while she appears to be in her early 30’s she’s been on FB for less than a month and only has 2 FB friends (my ex and his sister)... at this point Josh and I decided that my ex was definitely dead and was being made into a skin suit by an online predator because really?! Any functional member of society could join FB tomorrow and have more than two friends... my dog has more than two friends (he made the page, stop judging me.) I purposely didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to spook the girl (serial killer/newly released amish girl) into thinking a.) I gave a shit if she wanted him or b.) I didn’t want to cock block him. I figured I would just wait until he got back and ask him all about it.
Now I want to make sure everyone understands this situation... my ex-husband was a horrible boyfriend (leave my low self esteem out of this) and then a mediocre husband at best. He was always oddly close to his sister, who is built and looks like him in a wig mind you, and let his family openly hate me, actually let men step on me and mouth off to me, and then finally made it clear he wouldn’t care if I died before I finally made him admit he didn’t actually want to be married. Why not? Well some of the reasons he listed were that I don’t cook and clean enough (I was working 15 hours more than him a week and making over twice, almost three times, as much as he was,) I deploy too much (in 4 years I’ve deployed 7 times and he was with me when I accepted my navigator slot in college BEFORE we were married,) I work with too many men (I’m not sure how I can fix that,) and I make too much money (he did not mind my money when he was only making 30 grand a year and driving a GMC Sierra Denali,) he would later (while I was deployed) add that I was just too manly for him (i’m sorry my 5’4” 112lbs frame is just too physically imposing for you.)
He also MAY have been diagnosed by a medical professional as “bat shit crazy” and put on medication. He would call me screaming like a psycho (I have witnesses who could hear him) and then sometimes he’d call me sobbing as if he actually cared about the fact that we weren’t married. This went on from the end of March when he moved out until around December when my friend ‘B’ couldn’t stand it anymore and pointed out all of my ex’s short comings on my fb wall and then threatened to beat his ass if he didn’t leave me alone. Considering the fact that I could beat my ex’s ass and that ‘B’ is actually a large man...oddly enough... he decided he didn’t want to be a psycho anymore. (SIDE NOTE: I feel like I have to point out that this is the ONLY instance that I have been defended, much less publicly, period, dot, ever.) During this time of psychosis from the time that he left until just a couple of weeks ago he would call at random and ask me to hang out or just share random bits of information. B and my other friends would point out that I’m being a sucker and he just wants to hang out because he is such a loser that he doesn’t know anyone else here in Florida and he’s just guilting me into it and we would actually have disagreements over me hanging out with him. BUT he said how we were friends and he still wanted to be friends and he was so sorry for being a psychopath and so I would go. Just before my surgery (less than a month ago) we went and got dinner and a little while before that we went to a movie and before that I actually told him where my spare key was because I was at the gym and his air conditioning had died and so I let him go to my place to cool off. He was obsessed with the dog we bought while we were married so if you’re his fb friend you can see the creepy pictures he took from inside my house while I wasn’t there. Why tell you all of this??? (other than he’s obviously a douche)
And then it was Sunday....
Sunday at 0500 I get an email and something happens to wake me...
It’s an email from Agent Provocateur... Oh...what is Agent Provocateur you ask? Well let me explain, I personally like Victoria’s Secret and some women tell me I’m crazy for spending that much money on underwear (feel free to google prices.) Agent Provocateur is an insanely expensive version of Victoria’s Secret. I’m talking like at least $170 for a bra, $300 for a towel, and $90 for panties... those are the CHEAP ones on their site. Now, the only reason I have heard of this place is because a couple of weeks ago Pip told me to look at their site because he thought there was one in Destin and he wanted to go while he was in town. I looked at the site and I promptly told him that he was “insane,” that the store was “ridiculous,” and “who would waste $300 on panties?!” (i’m not kidding, look for yourself, there’s a pair of cotton panties for $300)
Pip: “You’re worth it.”
Me: “You know what’s not worth it?! FUCKING PANTIES!”
So I’m looking at this email’s subject in my in box and I’m thinking ‘you have got to be shitting me’ and I roll back over and go to sleep. When I wake up I open the email and I am being notified that Pip has put a store credit of L200 (about $325) in my name. I sit stunned, just staring at the computer. The blinding rage slowly building. Just to clarify where I’m coming from here, it would have been fine if for no reason I would have gotten this BUT this was supposed to be my “I’m so sorry and I just want you to feel better present.”
A pet peeve of mine is when some one buys a gift knowing that the person receiving it would never want it in a million years but that the giver will actually enjoy and THEN has the gall to try to take credit for being “nice” and “thoughtful” for buying themselves something. It makes me want to set something on fire.
I look and Josh is online and I immediately tell him what the gift was and explain that no, uncomfortable underwear does not in fact make me happy. Other people I told have one of two responses “so he’s never actually met you?” or “hahahaha.”
I send Pip an email explaining that I’m annoyed and why.
While I’m waiting for a response...
I go to see if there are any new Disney updates and I find that my ex and I are no longer FB friends. After all that bullshit the SECOND another woman looks at him he can’t even be fake internet friends.
Today is Wednesday and he STILL hasn’t responded to my text message because I have been completely cut off from all contact.
While I sit and discuss the fact that my ex-husband has yet again found a way to out douche himself Pip emails me back.
Pip: “Of course it’s a present for you.”
Me: “Oh well, ok then, if it’s for me and not you then i’m getting a beach towel and a tank top.”
Pip: “I’ll be sick if you waste my money like that.”
Me: “HA but it’s for me huh? I just can’t spend it however I want?”
Pip: “I spent a lot of money on it.”
Me: “That doesn’t make it meaningful. That makes it expensive.”
Pip: “But you talked about the store...”
Me: “Yes, how crazy it is and only because YOU told me about it and that YOU wanted to go there.”
Long story short I tried explaining three or four times why it upset me that my boyfriend bought me lingerie when I was sad and everyone else gets that that isn’t a gift for me but he does not and has proclaimed that he won’t comment further...
So it’s Sunday and I’m a sad panda so what do I want to do? I want to call my Mom and I just wanted her to say they’re a-holes. I vented to my brother (as crazy as The Mac is he really is the rain man of counseling) for 40 minutes before he put mom on the phone. I told her about the present and she tells me how awful I am... “I swear Ashley you really are your own worst enemy in every single aspect of your life. Every single part.” I try to tell her about how it’s not a gift to cheer me up it’s something for himself, but he’s attractive and spent a lot of money on me so obviously I’m a terrible person. I moved on to my ex-husband using me because he had no one and then cutting all ties the minute he got a girlfriend and even though he hates my mother for no reason she of course came to his defense and nothing he does is as bad as other people (myself included.)
I told her thanks for being so supportive and I got off the phone...
SUNDAY
WAS
AWESOME!!!!
On Thursday I was told that I’m being let go from the U.S. Air Force... Why? Well I’m not able to share the real story... yet. Either way just know that I’m getting fucked and soon I will be unemployed and I have to start my life all over. So after that crushing news I took a four day weekend to crawl into what I like to call my “Depression Cocoon.” Oh, what’s my “Depression Cocoon?” Well I’ll tell you... When I decide that my overwhelming HATE for everything in this world is too much and my options are murder spree or complete isolation, luckily for all of you, I choose isolation. I close the blinds and draw the shades, turn out the lights, fire up the xbox, pour myself a (a=many) drink(s) and then I spend as long as I can watching Netflix (usually “the office”) wrapped in a blanket on my couch. I only leave my wonderful cocoon to let the dogs out, calls of nature, and more booze.
Man four days of Depression Cocoon! What could be better?! It literally is my favorite place on earth.... it lasted until sunday.
My boyfriend, for safety purposes he’s referred to as ‘Pip,’ tells me he’s going to get me a present to make me feel better (this was thursday). I peak my head from the safety of my cocoon...
Me: “A present...?”
Pip: “Of course I want you to feel better!”
There is no more mention of said present and I curl safely back into my cocoon.
Saturday...
Pip: “Did you get anything?”
Me: “What? I’ll check...”
Like a fool I run outside (it’s noon and this is the first i’ve seen of the sun since... i dunno... 24hrs before?...the dogs make my sun schedule once I enter the cocoon if stupid work doesn’t make me do stuff)
Nothing on the porch...I eagerly continue on to the mailbox! Pressing forward... PRESENT?!?
I put my key in.... emptiness. Well maybe, maybe the mail man just hasn’t come yet...
I crawl back into my cocoon, pull my best friend (best friend=laptop aka facebook/internet machine) onto my lap and send Pip a reply.
Me: “Hey, I didn’t get anything, what are you talking about?”
Pip: “You will.”
Me: “um...ok... “
I close this and start talking to Josh...we speculate what my present that’s going to cheer me up for getting fired is going to be and then I notice that my ex-husband “checked-in” at Walt Disney World. I honestly assumed he had gone there on a romantic weekend with his sister but then I saw that he had actually met a girl there... this was odd because usually he shares WAY more than I care about and I had just spoken to him Wednesday so I was a little surprised. I looked at this girl’s page after I scanned the pictures she had put up and noticed that while she appears to be in her early 30’s she’s been on FB for less than a month and only has 2 FB friends (my ex and his sister)... at this point Josh and I decided that my ex was definitely dead and was being made into a skin suit by an online predator because really?! Any functional member of society could join FB tomorrow and have more than two friends... my dog has more than two friends (he made the page, stop judging me.) I purposely didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to spook the girl (serial killer/newly released amish girl) into thinking a.) I gave a shit if she wanted him or b.) I didn’t want to cock block him. I figured I would just wait until he got back and ask him all about it.
Now I want to make sure everyone understands this situation... my ex-husband was a horrible boyfriend (leave my low self esteem out of this) and then a mediocre husband at best. He was always oddly close to his sister, who is built and looks like him in a wig mind you, and let his family openly hate me, actually let men step on me and mouth off to me, and then finally made it clear he wouldn’t care if I died before I finally made him admit he didn’t actually want to be married. Why not? Well some of the reasons he listed were that I don’t cook and clean enough (I was working 15 hours more than him a week and making over twice, almost three times, as much as he was,) I deploy too much (in 4 years I’ve deployed 7 times and he was with me when I accepted my navigator slot in college BEFORE we were married,) I work with too many men (I’m not sure how I can fix that,) and I make too much money (he did not mind my money when he was only making 30 grand a year and driving a GMC Sierra Denali,) he would later (while I was deployed) add that I was just too manly for him (i’m sorry my 5’4” 112lbs frame is just too physically imposing for you.)
He also MAY have been diagnosed by a medical professional as “bat shit crazy” and put on medication. He would call me screaming like a psycho (I have witnesses who could hear him) and then sometimes he’d call me sobbing as if he actually cared about the fact that we weren’t married. This went on from the end of March when he moved out until around December when my friend ‘B’ couldn’t stand it anymore and pointed out all of my ex’s short comings on my fb wall and then threatened to beat his ass if he didn’t leave me alone. Considering the fact that I could beat my ex’s ass and that ‘B’ is actually a large man...oddly enough... he decided he didn’t want to be a psycho anymore. (SIDE NOTE: I feel like I have to point out that this is the ONLY instance that I have been defended, much less publicly, period, dot, ever.) During this time of psychosis from the time that he left until just a couple of weeks ago he would call at random and ask me to hang out or just share random bits of information. B and my other friends would point out that I’m being a sucker and he just wants to hang out because he is such a loser that he doesn’t know anyone else here in Florida and he’s just guilting me into it and we would actually have disagreements over me hanging out with him. BUT he said how we were friends and he still wanted to be friends and he was so sorry for being a psychopath and so I would go. Just before my surgery (less than a month ago) we went and got dinner and a little while before that we went to a movie and before that I actually told him where my spare key was because I was at the gym and his air conditioning had died and so I let him go to my place to cool off. He was obsessed with the dog we bought while we were married so if you’re his fb friend you can see the creepy pictures he took from inside my house while I wasn’t there. Why tell you all of this??? (other than he’s obviously a douche)
And then it was Sunday....
Sunday at 0500 I get an email and something happens to wake me...
It’s an email from Agent Provocateur... Oh...what is Agent Provocateur you ask? Well let me explain, I personally like Victoria’s Secret and some women tell me I’m crazy for spending that much money on underwear (feel free to google prices.) Agent Provocateur is an insanely expensive version of Victoria’s Secret. I’m talking like at least $170 for a bra, $300 for a towel, and $90 for panties... those are the CHEAP ones on their site. Now, the only reason I have heard of this place is because a couple of weeks ago Pip told me to look at their site because he thought there was one in Destin and he wanted to go while he was in town. I looked at the site and I promptly told him that he was “insane,” that the store was “ridiculous,” and “who would waste $300 on panties?!” (i’m not kidding, look for yourself, there’s a pair of cotton panties for $300)
Pip: “You’re worth it.”
Me: “You know what’s not worth it?! FUCKING PANTIES!”
So I’m looking at this email’s subject in my in box and I’m thinking ‘you have got to be shitting me’ and I roll back over and go to sleep. When I wake up I open the email and I am being notified that Pip has put a store credit of L200 (about $325) in my name. I sit stunned, just staring at the computer. The blinding rage slowly building. Just to clarify where I’m coming from here, it would have been fine if for no reason I would have gotten this BUT this was supposed to be my “I’m so sorry and I just want you to feel better present.”
A pet peeve of mine is when some one buys a gift knowing that the person receiving it would never want it in a million years but that the giver will actually enjoy and THEN has the gall to try to take credit for being “nice” and “thoughtful” for buying themselves something. It makes me want to set something on fire.
I look and Josh is online and I immediately tell him what the gift was and explain that no, uncomfortable underwear does not in fact make me happy. Other people I told have one of two responses “so he’s never actually met you?” or “hahahaha.”
I send Pip an email explaining that I’m annoyed and why.
While I’m waiting for a response...
I go to see if there are any new Disney updates and I find that my ex and I are no longer FB friends. After all that bullshit the SECOND another woman looks at him he can’t even be fake internet friends.
Today is Wednesday and he STILL hasn’t responded to my text message because I have been completely cut off from all contact.
While I sit and discuss the fact that my ex-husband has yet again found a way to out douche himself Pip emails me back.
Pip: “Of course it’s a present for you.”
Me: “Oh well, ok then, if it’s for me and not you then i’m getting a beach towel and a tank top.”
Pip: “I’ll be sick if you waste my money like that.”
Me: “HA but it’s for me huh? I just can’t spend it however I want?”
Pip: “I spent a lot of money on it.”
Me: “That doesn’t make it meaningful. That makes it expensive.”
Pip: “But you talked about the store...”
Me: “Yes, how crazy it is and only because YOU told me about it and that YOU wanted to go there.”
Long story short I tried explaining three or four times why it upset me that my boyfriend bought me lingerie when I was sad and everyone else gets that that isn’t a gift for me but he does not and has proclaimed that he won’t comment further...
So it’s Sunday and I’m a sad panda so what do I want to do? I want to call my Mom and I just wanted her to say they’re a-holes. I vented to my brother (as crazy as The Mac is he really is the rain man of counseling) for 40 minutes before he put mom on the phone. I told her about the present and she tells me how awful I am... “I swear Ashley you really are your own worst enemy in every single aspect of your life. Every single part.” I try to tell her about how it’s not a gift to cheer me up it’s something for himself, but he’s attractive and spent a lot of money on me so obviously I’m a terrible person. I moved on to my ex-husband using me because he had no one and then cutting all ties the minute he got a girlfriend and even though he hates my mother for no reason she of course came to his defense and nothing he does is as bad as other people (myself included.)
I told her thanks for being so supportive and I got off the phone...
SUNDAY
WAS
AWESOME!!!!
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