Splintered

As you all know my ex-husband got a new girlfriend (we're still speculating what mental facility she escaped from) and thought that it was appropriate to cut off all contact with me (in his defense this seems to be an epidemic… really ladies? Am I THAT threatening to you? so sad.) 

So as I sat and thought about what a douche my ex is and how much time I wasted on him as a boyfriend, husband, and then friend it occurred to me that the only reason I have a $40/month storage unit is to hold on to old patio furniture I had bought him for his birthday.  I then remembered the judge telling him that anything he didn't remove from my possession would be my property… hmmm what to do…what…to…do…

That's when it hit me…I'll give it back to him…in pieces.

I went to Lowe's and picked out my weapon.  I went to the "TOOL WORLD" area and only found small hammers…these won't do.  I asked an employee:

Me: "Excuse me, where are y'alls sledge hammers?"

Employee: "Let me look."

He came back a few minutes later.

Employee: "Uh we don't have any.  Would you like just a large hammer?"

Me: "Y'all don't sell them? I looked online and it…nevermind.  No, thank you."

FYI they're over by the rakes.

This is my storage unit…full of furniture.  I would spend $40 a month for a friend, but I will not spend $40 a month for an asshole!

 

The blue sheets are my ex-husband's from when he was in college… They were also abandoned at my place.

Today was a lot warmer than I anticipated… 

Before you judge, I'm not as in shape as I was before my surgery and you should try slinging a sledge hammer for 10-15minutes straight.

 

Me and MY WHOLE WORLD! (she might have helped by pooping on it)

Delivery! 

Me taking pride in a job well done!  I sweat a lot, but like my friend MW said, "Haha no one wants you so who the hell do you have to impress?" She's right and besides…this honey badger doesn't give a shit!  No, I'm not a K-State fan but B is and my ex hates B more than just about anyone on this planet so how could I not wear a shirt that he gave me??? I considered putting it on my dog but I didn't want her to stretch it out.

A lot of effort to empty out my storage unit? Maybe, but I'm pretty awful and I'm willing to put in some work just to say fuck you when someone deserves it.

A Kick in the Dick

In my last entry I mentioned that my ex had not responded to a text that I sent him after he unfriended me.  I had put the story in as a side note but it really deserves to be an entry of it’s own.  

My Ex-husband is someone who says things that you know will never happen and he’ll never go through with.  This is one of the funniest examples I can give...

He contacted me one day saying how in two years he wants to go back packing across Europe.  After trying to explain to him that he’s not a carry your shit on your back kind of guy and that someone with an auto-immune disease might want to stay somewhere nicer than disgusting hostels with Euro-trash druggies I gave up and just let him go with it.  He then tells me that Pip is welcome to come... really? you want to go back packing with your ex-wife and her boyfriend? Fine whatever...
I tell MW about this trip and she says she HAS to be included...MW is MY friend and is easily as awful as I am.  I tell my ex and he agrees.  MW and I decide this isn’t fun enough so I decide if i’m going through Europe (I hate traveling by the way) I’m going to make this the most enjoyable train wreck ever and decide I should invite B to come too...B was mentioned in my previous entry as my close friend who destroyed my ex-husband on facebook when he was being a crazy person and screaming at me all the time.)

Me: “so MW and B are both in for traveling across europe….be excited and tell your sister to come… i assumed she was already coming though”
Mike: “haha ummm yeah not so much! I'm not going on a trip with a person that I literally can stand to be in the presence of. I haven't even brought it up with my sister. I doubt she would want to go anyways.”
Me: “haha i assume you can't stand the presence of B and not MW and you'll go w/ Pip but not B? Also you did not put stipulations on this trip when you said i should go you just said a group”
Mike: ”Yes Pip can join because he's cool. B is a douche bag that would make everyone's life miserable.”
Me: "everyone" is a little extreme but i'm pretty sure MW, B, and I are a package deal…and Pip isn't going if i'm not….i'm trying to make a bad ass group here”
Mike: “So you're taking my idea and running with it, nice!” Me: “is that a sarcastic nice?”
Mike: “sort of. Because Dusty and Melissa are interested in going”
Me: “i don't see what that has to do w/ MW and B… besides Melissa is awful and white trash and you tell me i should go and you invite her but i can't have B and MW come?”
Mike: “The plan is to go near May 2013. FIne B can come but I'll kick him in the dick if he acts like an ass!”

I took too long to respond apparently.

Mike: “Fine don't respond”
Me: “geeze i'm doing my hw you gave me like two seconds. Have you been drinking?”
Mike: “no. Why?
Me: “also i will tell him that if he doesn't behave you'll kick him in the dick.”
Mike: “and each person is responsible for keeping their subgroup in check!”
Me: “oh i already told him you were going to kick him in the dick”
Mike: “That's if you don't keep your subgroup member under control!”
Me: “haha i don't control B!!!”

He then changed the subject to ask if Pip and I was serious, shortly after that the conversation ended, and I reminded him to start stretching out so he can practice those high kicks.

Shortly after that conversation his air conditioner died and when he texted me to tell me that I told him where my spare key was and that he could go sit at my place until I get home.  After I finished at the gym I went home and he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, we went for Mexican and thank God it was 99 cent margarita night!
This is one of the conversations we had that night...

Me: “Oh, so I told B you’re going to kick him in the dick.  I don’t think he was that worried about it.”
Mike: “He can suck it.”
Me: “What exactly has he done to you to make you hate him so much?”
Mike: “That’s none of your business.”
Me: “Obviously, just my close friend and my ex-husband...of course it’s none of my business.”
Mike: “I have my reasons and I cannot stand him.”
Me: “Ok well lets pretend these feelings are valid and based in reality.  Do you think it’s a good idea to openly threaten a man so much bigger than you are? I mean he’s 6’4” and like 220lbs and you’re 5’9”, 150lbs, and you have crohn’s disease.”
Mike: “He’s a terrible human being and a douche bag.”
Me: “What did I tell you before about saying things like that?”
Silence
Mike: “I really will kick him in the dick.”
Me: “You might literally be retarded.  You’re at best suicidal.  Have you discussed this with your therapist?”
Mike: “B? Yes, a few times.”
Me: “No the fact that you want...wait...what?! Ya know what, I don’t even want to know.”

A couple of weeks later he asked if I wanted to go see a movie and I said sure.  While we were driving back from Destin...
Me: “Oh and Josh said he’s down with the back packing trip.”
Mike: “He can’t come.”
Me: “Haha what? Why not?”
Mike: “Because he can’t.”
Me: “So Pip, B, and MW can come but not josh huh?”
Mike: “That’s right.”
Me: “He’s coming.”

Not long after that while I was sitting on Facebook and Mike messaged me to let me know he had reconsidered and was now accepting that Josh will be going on this trip.

Mike: “Ok so, yeah Josh and B will be in the same group!”
Me: “oh Josh is in the dick kicking group?”
Mike: “yeah, but not to the same extent.”
Me: “i'm not sure what that means? like you won't kick him as hard?”
Mike: “Just looking at B will make me want to kick him in the nuts.  Josh would have to say something to piss me off.”
Me: “I'll be sure to let them know… B is pretty tall…this is gonna be an impressive front kick.”
Mike: “Actually take Josh out of that group, its only B.”
Me: “hahaha ok, better start getting limber then”
Mike: “B can suck it!”
Me: “haha i'm NOT protecting you from B… if you try to kick him in the dick he's probably going to knock you out”
Mike: “Like I said, he can suck it!”
Me: “haha ok”

MW, B, Josh, and I were really really really excited for this trip.  MW was going to film it so that we could share it with all of you.  So when he unfriended me the other day because he got a girlfriend I sent him a text message that just said:
“Uh if your gf won’t let you be fb friends w me how are supposed to have a dysfunctional back pack through Europe?”

I’m still trying to figure out what I’m the most upset about... That I married such a huge douche bag OR that this trip isn’t happening...
Pretty sure it’s the trip though... What a kick in the dick!

Sunday funday

I know... I know, I haven’t been giving my people what they need with the updates of how shitty my life is but I just won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t share this little bit of amazing.  Those of you that know me know that it only scratches the surface of my life but alas it’s all i’m allowed to share with you at the moment.... So here it is.
  On Thursday I was told that I’m being let go from the U.S. Air Force... Why? Well I’m not able to share the real story... yet. Either way just know that I’m getting fucked and soon I will be unemployed and I have to start my life all over.  So after that crushing news I took a four day weekend to crawl into what I like to call my “Depression Cocoon.”  Oh, what’s my “Depression Cocoon?”  Well I’ll tell you... When I decide that my overwhelming HATE for everything in this world is too much and my options are murder spree or complete isolation, luckily for all of you, I choose isolation.  I close the blinds and draw the shades, turn out the lights, fire up the xbox, pour myself a (a=many) drink(s) and then I spend as long as I can watching Netflix (usually “the office”) wrapped in a blanket on my couch.  I only leave my wonderful cocoon to let the dogs out, calls of nature, and more booze.  
  Man four days of Depression Cocoon! What could be better?! It literally is my favorite place on earth.... it lasted until sunday.  
 My boyfriend, for safety purposes he’s referred to as ‘Pip,’ tells me he’s going to get me a present to make me feel better (this was thursday).  I peak my head from the safety of my cocoon...
Me: “A present...?”
Pip: “Of course I want you to feel better!”
There is no more mention of said present and I curl safely back into my cocoon.

Saturday...
Pip: “Did you get anything?”
Me: “What? I’ll check...”
Like a fool I run outside (it’s noon and this is the first i’ve seen of the sun since... i dunno... 24hrs before?...the dogs make my sun schedule once I enter the cocoon if stupid work doesn’t make me do stuff)
Nothing on the porch...I eagerly continue on to the mailbox! Pressing forward... PRESENT?!?
I put my key in.... emptiness. Well maybe, maybe the mail man just hasn’t come yet...
I crawl back into my cocoon, pull my best friend (best friend=laptop aka facebook/internet machine) onto my lap and send Pip a reply.
Me: “Hey, I didn’t get anything, what are you talking about?”
Pip: “You will.”
Me: “um...ok... “

I close this and start talking to Josh...we speculate what my present that’s going to cheer me up for getting fired is going to be and then I notice that my ex-husband “checked-in” at Walt Disney World.  I honestly assumed he had gone there on a romantic weekend with his sister but then I saw that he had actually met a girl there... this was odd because usually he shares WAY more than I care about and I had just spoken to him Wednesday so I was a little surprised.  I looked at this girl’s page after I scanned the pictures she had put up and noticed that while she appears to be in her early 30’s she’s been on FB for less than a month and only has 2 FB friends (my ex and his sister)... at this point Josh and I decided that my ex was definitely dead and was being made into a skin suit by an online predator because really?! Any functional member of society could join FB tomorrow and have more than two friends... my dog has more than two friends (he made the page, stop judging me.)  I purposely didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to spook the girl (serial killer/newly released amish girl) into thinking a.) I gave a shit if she wanted him or b.) I didn’t want to cock block him.  I figured I would just wait until he got back and ask him all about it.

Now I want to make sure everyone understands this situation... my ex-husband was a horrible boyfriend (leave my low self esteem out of this) and then a mediocre husband at best.  He was always oddly close to his sister, who is built and looks like him in a wig mind you, and let his family openly hate me, actually let men step on me and mouth off to me, and then finally made it clear he wouldn’t care if I died before I finally made him admit he didn’t actually want to be married.  Why not? Well some of the reasons he listed were that I don’t cook and clean enough (I was working 15 hours more than him a week and making over twice, almost three times, as much as he was,) I deploy too much (in 4 years I’ve deployed 7 times and he was with me when I accepted my navigator slot in college BEFORE we were married,)  I work with too many men (I’m not sure how I can fix that,) and I make too much money (he did not mind my money when he was only making 30 grand a year and driving a GMC Sierra Denali,)  he would later (while I was deployed) add that I was just too manly for him (i’m sorry my 5’4” 112lbs frame is just too physically imposing for you.)  

He also MAY have been diagnosed by a medical professional as “bat shit crazy” and put on medication.   He would call me screaming like a psycho (I have witnesses who could hear him) and then sometimes he’d call me sobbing as if he actually cared about the fact that we weren’t married.  This went on from the end of March when he moved out until around December when my friend ‘B’ couldn’t stand it anymore and pointed out all of my ex’s short comings on my fb wall and then threatened to beat his ass if he didn’t leave me alone.  Considering the fact that I could beat my ex’s ass and that ‘B’ is actually a large man...oddly enough... he decided he didn’t want to be a psycho anymore.  (SIDE NOTE: I feel like I have to point out that this is the ONLY instance that I have been defended, much less publicly, period, dot, ever.)   During this time of psychosis from the time that he left until just a couple of weeks ago he would call at random and ask me to hang out or just share random bits of information.  B and my other friends would point out that I’m being a sucker and he just wants to hang out because he is such a loser that he doesn’t know anyone else here in Florida and he’s just guilting me into it and we would actually have disagreements over me hanging out with him.  BUT he said how we were friends and he still wanted to be friends and he was so sorry for being a psychopath and so I would go.  Just before my surgery (less than a month ago) we went and got dinner and a little while before that we went to a movie and before that I actually told him where my spare key was because I was at the gym and his air conditioning had died and so I let him go to my place to cool off.  He was obsessed with the dog we bought while we were married so if you’re his fb friend you can see the creepy pictures he took from inside my house while I wasn’t there.  Why tell you all of this??? (other than he’s obviously a douche)
And then it was Sunday....

Sunday at 0500 I get an email and something happens to wake me...
It’s an email from Agent Provocateur... Oh...what is Agent Provocateur you ask? Well let me explain, I personally like Victoria’s Secret and some women tell me I’m crazy for spending that much money on underwear (feel free to google prices.)  Agent Provocateur is an insanely expensive version of Victoria’s Secret.  I’m talking like at least $170 for a bra, $300 for a towel, and $90 for panties... those are the CHEAP ones on their site.  Now, the only reason I have heard of this place is because a couple of weeks ago Pip told me to look at their site because he thought there was one in Destin and he wanted to go while he was in town.  I looked at the site and I promptly told him that he was “insane,” that the store was “ridiculous,” and “who would waste $300 on panties?!” (i’m not kidding, look for yourself, there’s a pair of cotton panties for $300)
Pip: “You’re worth it.”
Me: “You know what’s not worth it?! FUCKING PANTIES!”
So I’m looking at this email’s subject in my in box and I’m thinking ‘you have got to be shitting me’ and I roll back over and go to sleep.  When I wake up I open the email and I am being notified that Pip has put a store credit of L200 (about $325) in my name.  I sit stunned, just staring at the computer.  The blinding rage slowly building.  Just to clarify where I’m coming from here, it would have been fine if for no reason I would have gotten this BUT this was supposed to be my “I’m so sorry and I just want you to feel better present.”
A pet peeve of mine is when some one buys a gift knowing that the person receiving it would never want it in a million years but that the giver will actually enjoy and THEN has the gall to try to take credit for being “nice” and “thoughtful” for buying themselves something.  It makes me want to set something on fire.  
I look and Josh is online and I immediately tell him what the gift was and explain that no, uncomfortable underwear does not in fact make me happy.  Other people I told have one of two responses “so he’s never actually met you?” or “hahahaha.”  
I send Pip an email explaining that I’m annoyed and why.
While I’m waiting for a response...

I go to see if there are any new Disney updates and I find that my ex and I are no longer FB friends.  After all that bullshit the SECOND another woman looks at him he can’t even be fake internet friends.  

Today is Wednesday and he STILL hasn’t responded to my text message because I have been completely cut off from all contact.
While I sit and discuss the fact that my ex-husband has yet again found a way to out douche himself Pip emails me back.
Pip: “Of course it’s a present for you.”
Me: “Oh well, ok then, if it’s for me and not you then i’m getting a beach towel and a tank top.”
Pip: “I’ll be sick if you waste my money like that.”
Me: “HA but it’s for me huh? I just can’t spend it however I want?”
Pip: “I spent a lot of money on it.”
Me: “That doesn’t make it meaningful. That makes it expensive.”
Pip: “But you talked about the store...”
Me: “Yes, how crazy it is and only because YOU told me about it and that YOU wanted to go there.”
Long story short I tried explaining three or four times why it upset me that my boyfriend bought me lingerie when I was sad and everyone else gets that that isn’t a gift for me but he does not and has proclaimed that he won’t comment further...

So it’s Sunday and I’m a sad panda so what do I want to do? I want to call my Mom and I just wanted her to say they’re a-holes.  I vented to my brother (as crazy as The Mac is he really is the rain man of counseling) for 40 minutes before he put mom on the phone.  I told her about the present and she tells me how awful I am... “I swear Ashley you really are your own worst enemy in every single aspect of your life.  Every single part.”  I try to tell her about how it’s not a gift to cheer me up it’s something for himself, but he’s attractive and spent a lot of money on me so obviously I’m a terrible person.  I moved on to my ex-husband using me because he had no one and then cutting all ties the minute he got a girlfriend and even though he hates my mother for no reason she of course came to his defense and nothing he does is as bad as other people (myself included.)
I told her thanks for being so supportive and I got off the phone...

SUNDAY
WAS
AWESOME!!!!