In my last entry I mentioned that my ex had not responded to a text that I sent him after he unfriended me. I had put the story in as a side note but it really deserves to be an entry of it’s own.
My Ex-husband is someone who says things that you know will never happen and he’ll never go through with. This is one of the funniest examples I can give...
He contacted me one day saying how in two years he wants to go back packing across Europe. After trying to explain to him that he’s not a carry your shit on your back kind of guy and that someone with an auto-immune disease might want to stay somewhere nicer than disgusting hostels with Euro-trash druggies I gave up and just let him go with it. He then tells me that Pip is welcome to come... really? you want to go back packing with your ex-wife and her boyfriend? Fine whatever...
I tell MW about this trip and she says she HAS to be included...MW is MY friend and is easily as awful as I am. I tell my ex and he agrees. MW and I decide this isn’t fun enough so I decide if i’m going through Europe (I hate traveling by the way) I’m going to make this the most enjoyable train wreck ever and decide I should invite B to come too...B was mentioned in my previous entry as my close friend who destroyed my ex-husband on facebook when he was being a crazy person and screaming at me all the time.)
Me: “so MW and B are both in for traveling across europe….be excited and tell your sister to come… i assumed she was already coming though”
Mike: “haha ummm yeah not so much! I'm not going on a trip with a person that I literally can stand to be in the presence of. I haven't even brought it up with my sister. I doubt she would want to go anyways.”
Me: “haha i assume you can't stand the presence of B and not MW and you'll go w/ Pip but not B? Also you did not put stipulations on this trip when you said i should go you just said a group”
Mike: ”Yes Pip can join because he's cool. B is a douche bag that would make everyone's life miserable.”
Me: "everyone" is a little extreme but i'm pretty sure MW, B, and I are a package deal…and Pip isn't going if i'm not….i'm trying to make a bad ass group here”
Mike: “So you're taking my idea and running with it, nice!” Me: “is that a sarcastic nice?”
Mike: “sort of. Because Dusty and Melissa are interested in going”
Me: “i don't see what that has to do w/ MW and B… besides Melissa is awful and white trash and you tell me i should go and you invite her but i can't have B and MW come?”
Mike: “The plan is to go near May 2013. FIne B can come but I'll kick him in the dick if he acts like an ass!”
I took too long to respond apparently.
Mike: “Fine don't respond”
Me: “geeze i'm doing my hw you gave me like two seconds. Have you been drinking?”
Mike: “no. Why?
Me: “also i will tell him that if he doesn't behave you'll kick him in the dick.”
Mike: “and each person is responsible for keeping their subgroup in check!”
Me: “oh i already told him you were going to kick him in the dick”
Mike: “That's if you don't keep your subgroup member under control!”
Me: “haha i don't control B!!!”
He then changed the subject to ask if Pip and I was serious, shortly after that the conversation ended, and I reminded him to start stretching out so he can practice those high kicks.
Shortly after that conversation his air conditioner died and when he texted me to tell me that I told him where my spare key was and that he could go sit at my place until I get home. After I finished at the gym I went home and he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, we went for Mexican and thank God it was 99 cent margarita night!
This is one of the conversations we had that night...
Me: “Oh, so I told B you’re going to kick him in the dick. I don’t think he was that worried about it.”
Mike: “He can suck it.”
Me: “What exactly has he done to you to make you hate him so much?”
Mike: “That’s none of your business.”
Me: “Obviously, just my close friend and my ex-husband...of course it’s none of my business.”
Mike: “I have my reasons and I cannot stand him.”
Me: “Ok well lets pretend these feelings are valid and based in reality. Do you think it’s a good idea to openly threaten a man so much bigger than you are? I mean he’s 6’4” and like 220lbs and you’re 5’9”, 150lbs, and you have crohn’s disease.”
Mike: “He’s a terrible human being and a douche bag.”
Me: “What did I tell you before about saying things like that?”
Silence
Mike: “I really will kick him in the dick.”
Me: “You might literally be retarded. You’re at best suicidal. Have you discussed this with your therapist?”
Mike: “B? Yes, a few times.”
Me: “No the fact that you want...wait...what?! Ya know what, I don’t even want to know.”
A couple of weeks later he asked if I wanted to go see a movie and I said sure. While we were driving back from Destin...
Me: “Oh and Josh said he’s down with the back packing trip.”
Mike: “He can’t come.”
Me: “Haha what? Why not?”
Mike: “Because he can’t.”
Me: “So Pip, B, and MW can come but not josh huh?”
Mike: “That’s right.”
Me: “He’s coming.”
Not long after that while I was sitting on Facebook and Mike messaged me to let me know he had reconsidered and was now accepting that Josh will be going on this trip.
Mike: “Ok so, yeah Josh and B will be in the same group!”
Me: “oh Josh is in the dick kicking group?”
Mike: “yeah, but not to the same extent.”
Me: “i'm not sure what that means? like you won't kick him as hard?”
Mike: “Just looking at B will make me want to kick him in the nuts. Josh would have to say something to piss me off.”
Me: “I'll be sure to let them know… B is pretty tall…this is gonna be an impressive front kick.”
Mike: “Actually take Josh out of that group, its only B.”
Me: “hahaha ok, better start getting limber then”
Mike: “B can suck it!”
Me: “haha i'm NOT protecting you from B… if you try to kick him in the dick he's probably going to knock you out”
Mike: “Like I said, he can suck it!”
Me: “haha ok”
My Ex-husband is someone who says things that you know will never happen and he’ll never go through with. This is one of the funniest examples I can give...
He contacted me one day saying how in two years he wants to go back packing across Europe. After trying to explain to him that he’s not a carry your shit on your back kind of guy and that someone with an auto-immune disease might want to stay somewhere nicer than disgusting hostels with Euro-trash druggies I gave up and just let him go with it. He then tells me that Pip is welcome to come... really? you want to go back packing with your ex-wife and her boyfriend? Fine whatever...
I tell MW about this trip and she says she HAS to be included...MW is MY friend and is easily as awful as I am. I tell my ex and he agrees. MW and I decide this isn’t fun enough so I decide if i’m going through Europe (I hate traveling by the way) I’m going to make this the most enjoyable train wreck ever and decide I should invite B to come too...B was mentioned in my previous entry as my close friend who destroyed my ex-husband on facebook when he was being a crazy person and screaming at me all the time.)
Me: “so MW and B are both in for traveling across europe….be excited and tell your sister to come… i assumed she was already coming though”
Mike: “haha ummm yeah not so much! I'm not going on a trip with a person that I literally can stand to be in the presence of. I haven't even brought it up with my sister. I doubt she would want to go anyways.”
Me: “haha i assume you can't stand the presence of B and not MW and you'll go w/ Pip but not B? Also you did not put stipulations on this trip when you said i should go you just said a group”
Mike: ”Yes Pip can join because he's cool. B is a douche bag that would make everyone's life miserable.”
Me: "everyone" is a little extreme but i'm pretty sure MW, B, and I are a package deal…and Pip isn't going if i'm not….i'm trying to make a bad ass group here”
Mike: “So you're taking my idea and running with it, nice!” Me: “is that a sarcastic nice?”
Mike: “sort of. Because Dusty and Melissa are interested in going”
Me: “i don't see what that has to do w/ MW and B… besides Melissa is awful and white trash and you tell me i should go and you invite her but i can't have B and MW come?”
Mike: “The plan is to go near May 2013. FIne B can come but I'll kick him in the dick if he acts like an ass!”
I took too long to respond apparently.
Mike: “Fine don't respond”
Me: “geeze i'm doing my hw you gave me like two seconds. Have you been drinking?”
Mike: “no. Why?
Me: “also i will tell him that if he doesn't behave you'll kick him in the dick.”
Mike: “and each person is responsible for keeping their subgroup in check!”
Me: “oh i already told him you were going to kick him in the dick”
Mike: “That's if you don't keep your subgroup member under control!”
Me: “haha i don't control B!!!”
He then changed the subject to ask if Pip and I was serious, shortly after that the conversation ended, and I reminded him to start stretching out so he can practice those high kicks.
Shortly after that conversation his air conditioner died and when he texted me to tell me that I told him where my spare key was and that he could go sit at my place until I get home. After I finished at the gym I went home and he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, we went for Mexican and thank God it was 99 cent margarita night!
This is one of the conversations we had that night...
Me: “Oh, so I told B you’re going to kick him in the dick. I don’t think he was that worried about it.”
Mike: “He can suck it.”
Me: “What exactly has he done to you to make you hate him so much?”
Mike: “That’s none of your business.”
Me: “Obviously, just my close friend and my ex-husband...of course it’s none of my business.”
Mike: “I have my reasons and I cannot stand him.”
Me: “Ok well lets pretend these feelings are valid and based in reality. Do you think it’s a good idea to openly threaten a man so much bigger than you are? I mean he’s 6’4” and like 220lbs and you’re 5’9”, 150lbs, and you have crohn’s disease.”
Mike: “He’s a terrible human being and a douche bag.”
Me: “What did I tell you before about saying things like that?”
Silence
Mike: “I really will kick him in the dick.”
Me: “You might literally be retarded. You’re at best suicidal. Have you discussed this with your therapist?”
Mike: “B? Yes, a few times.”
Me: “No the fact that you want...wait...what?! Ya know what, I don’t even want to know.”
A couple of weeks later he asked if I wanted to go see a movie and I said sure. While we were driving back from Destin...
Me: “Oh and Josh said he’s down with the back packing trip.”
Mike: “He can’t come.”
Me: “Haha what? Why not?”
Mike: “Because he can’t.”
Me: “So Pip, B, and MW can come but not josh huh?”
Mike: “That’s right.”
Me: “He’s coming.”
Not long after that while I was sitting on Facebook and Mike messaged me to let me know he had reconsidered and was now accepting that Josh will be going on this trip.
Mike: “Ok so, yeah Josh and B will be in the same group!”
Me: “oh Josh is in the dick kicking group?”
Mike: “yeah, but not to the same extent.”
Me: “i'm not sure what that means? like you won't kick him as hard?”
Mike: “Just looking at B will make me want to kick him in the nuts. Josh would have to say something to piss me off.”
Me: “I'll be sure to let them know… B is pretty tall…this is gonna be an impressive front kick.”
Mike: “Actually take Josh out of that group, its only B.”
Me: “hahaha ok, better start getting limber then”
Mike: “B can suck it!”
Me: “haha i'm NOT protecting you from B… if you try to kick him in the dick he's probably going to knock you out”
Mike: “Like I said, he can suck it!”
Me: “haha ok”
MW, B, Josh, and I were really really really excited for this trip. MW was going to film it so that we could share it with all of you. So when he unfriended me the other day because he got a girlfriend I sent him a text message that just said:
“Uh if your gf won’t let you be fb friends w me how are supposed to have a dysfunctional back pack through Europe?”
I’m still trying to figure out what I’m the most upset about... That I married such a huge douche bag OR that this trip isn’t happening...
Pretty sure it’s the trip though... What a kick in the dick!
“Uh if your gf won’t let you be fb friends w me how are supposed to have a dysfunctional back pack through Europe?”
I’m still trying to figure out what I’m the most upset about... That I married such a huge douche bag OR that this trip isn’t happening...
Pretty sure it’s the trip though... What a kick in the dick!
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