Ashley Explains it All

So because I am such a winner I’ve moved back in with my parents.  I was going to wait until a little later, but a friend’s in-laws are building a house near my old place and were wanting to rent with furniture and I couldn’t see turning that down. I had gone to Texas for work and when I got back this is what I found... 

Mom: “Soooo I’m having the kitchen floors redone.”

Me: “Meaning?”

Mom: “You have to use a ladder to get into your room.”

Me: “Of course I do.”

Mom: “AND the entire house smells terrible from the chemicals.”

Me: “Of course it does.”

I get home to find a noxious smell... My brother dropped me off since he had an appointment.  I went to sit in my parents room and watch tv because the smell seemed to be weakest there.  Now, I’ve never actually huffed paint but if I were to take a guess about what it’s like then I’d say this was close.  I got there wide awake and I had planned on being productive... for the life of me now I can’t remember what said productive activity was going to be seeing as those brain cells are long gone now... I turned the TV on and immediately felt sleepy... I would wake up at random and send my mother random text messages until we figured out that I was just high.  

For Example: 

Me: “What color are your walls? I don’t even know what this is...”

Mom: “Uh...Beige?”

Me: “Hmmm...are you sure there isn’t purple involved?”

Silence

Me: “I think I’m high... I’m gonna lay back down and hope the fumes win.”

And then it was time for bed...

It looks sturdy enough... Let's take a closer look...

A branch offering support or begging for me to run my shin down it in the dark? 

Don't fall!

Some how I find myself using this as a step on what I feel is a more than normal basis.

Shit! Now I have to pee... That’s not true, you know I didn’t have to pee until it was midnight and I had to down load the flashlight app to my phone.

This was my brother’s entrance, somehow it seems worse to me even though there are no holly bushes involved.... So at least I didn’t have to use this one... OH wait, neither did my brother since when I got up at midnight and climbed down a dark ladder to pee he was just walking around in the kitchen since he made the command decision that it was dry... 

This seemed like a much cooler concept on “Clarissa Explains it All.”

ALL BY MYSELF...

So I’ve decided that since there don’t seem to be any men out there that can handle all of this awesome... 

I have different theories and they range from low self esteem to psychosis... BUT that’s not what this little blurb is about... I digress... 

like I was saying... ...since I am ok with the fact that my life partner is Jack  

 I’ve decided to just start dating myself.  I enjoy my own company, I have money, and I don’t expect me to pretend to enjoy sex because I splurged and got an appetizer... 

I take myself to see all the romantic comedies I think look cute... I mean it’s easy to find someone to sit through Avengers, but it makes you a weirdo if you drag your Dad to go see The Lucky One... ok weirder than someone who at 29 dates themselves.. 

Last weekend I actually did take myself to see “The Lucky One”... I enjoyed it and it was an uneventful outing. 

Today I went to go see “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” 

I walk up to the counter to purchase my ticket...

Me: “One for ‘What to Expect...’ please.”

Cashier: “Wait, what movie?”

Me: “Uh, ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting?”

Cashier: “Oh, uh, ok.”

Pause...

Cashier: “Wait, how many?”

Me: “Ha, just one.”

Cashier: “Just one?”

Me: “Yes, just one ticket.”

Cashier: “Really?”

Me: “Ha yes, I’m all by myself... I would like to purchase one ticket so I can see this romantic comedy by myself.”

Cashier: “Oh, sorry, just checking.”

Me: “Haha thanks.”

It was an OK movie... my life though... my life is AWESOME

Happy Mother's Day!

My Mom loves me, she doesn’t always like me... but way deep down she loves me.  I mean not as much as my brother, but beggars can’t be choosers, right?  My parents treat my brother and I very differently... I like to refer to him as “precious” or “shmoopie” when I feel the moment calls for it.... here are a couple of these moments...

The other day I was talking to my brother on the phone about my new job...

 (DANGER DANGER WHOAAAAAAAA!) 

...Calm down everyone... anyways...like I was saying, 

I was simply telling him about an altercation I had with someone over a technique.  Realizing the conversation was becoming slightly heated I simply said “Never mind, we’re just disagreeing on a technique.” and left.  

Mac: “Look at you! Personal growth and everything, just like a real person! I’m so proud right now.”

I laughed, it was funny.

Later in the conversation my brother was telling me about a job interview...

Me: “WOW like a real big boy job?! That’s my lil Leo the Late Bloomer! 25, better late than never huh?!”

He laughed, it was funny.

I was talking to my Mom on the phone, she was waiting for my brother to call and she asked what we had talked about.

I relayed the conversation...

Me: “Then Mac was like, ‘Look at you! Personal growth and everything, just like a real person! I’m so proud right now.”

Mom: “BAHAHAHAHAHAHA (takes a breath) hahahahahahahahahaha.”

Me: “Ya ok over there? Didn’t pee or anything, right?”

Mom: “HA! NO! It’s just really funny!”

Me: “k”

I continue to retell the dialogue...

Me: “...so then I was like, ‘WOW like a real big boy job?! That’s my lil Leo the Late Bloomer! 25, better late than never huh?!’
Mom: “ASHLEY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

Me: “Uh... what?”

Mom: “Do you have to ruin EVERYTHING?”

Me: “I want to say yes, but I’m not sure what exactly I ruined in this instance.” 

Mom: “He’s really excited about something and you can’t help but be so mean.  You’re always so mean.”

Me: “Are you messing with me?”

Mom: “NO!”

Me: “Can you hear yourself right now? So when I’m excited about something and Mac gives me a jab it’s so funny you can’t breathe, but I poke fun at smoopie and I’m the meanest person in the world?”

Mom: “It’s different...”

Me: “It’s not...”

Mom: “He didn’t mean it in a mean way, Ashley.”

Me: “We meant it the exact same way, Mom.”

My Mother gives an exasperated sigh... I’ll translate it for you “Why is my daughter so awful, God? Why?”

Me: “He’ll live, I promise.”

We continue with our conversation and I suppress my childhood desire to murder my own brother in the hopes that my parents will like me more if there isn’t another option...

On Mother’s Day my mom calls me at 0930.  For the record I was going to call... usually I wake up around 0730 but I had been staying up until 0400 because of work so I had just woken up when she called.  I asked how her Mother’s Day was going and all of the things one is supposed to say/ask about the day...

I had sent my mother some pajama’s she had said she wanted.

Mom: “I like my pajamas, they’re so cute.”

Me: “I’m glad.”

Mom: “Your Dad got me two more charms for my bracelet...” (she described them...) “...and Mac got me a card! I have to read it to you, it’s so funny!”

Me: “oh, ok.”

Mom: ‘Happy Mother’s Day from your favorite.... (open card) ...OH C’MON EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S TRUE!’ “He wrote Happy ‘Mother’s Day from your spoiled son.’  Hahahaha Isn’t that just the best card?!”

Me: “Oh yeah, funny and completely accurate all at the same time.”

My Mother then giggled... I’ll translate that for you “hehe you’re right but I’m not supposed to actually say that out loud hehe.”

Enjoy my life... 

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We Don't Need No Stinkin' Coupons!

I'm working on an entry to describe a recent... umm.. incident? But it's really long and I've been told that so far it's "Somewhere between funny and a public castration...."  I haven't decided if i'm against the second part of that...
While you wait...I found this short dialogue humorous...

Is it worth the couple bucks and no processed sugar just to feel superior to the heifers on TLC's couponing show? Yes, it is.