Happy Mother's Day!

My Mom loves me, she doesn’t always like me... but way deep down she loves me.  I mean not as much as my brother, but beggars can’t be choosers, right?  My parents treat my brother and I very differently... I like to refer to him as “precious” or “shmoopie” when I feel the moment calls for it.... here are a couple of these moments...

The other day I was talking to my brother on the phone about my new job...

 (DANGER DANGER WHOAAAAAAAA!) 

...Calm down everyone... anyways...like I was saying, 

I was simply telling him about an altercation I had with someone over a technique.  Realizing the conversation was becoming slightly heated I simply said “Never mind, we’re just disagreeing on a technique.” and left.  

Mac: “Look at you! Personal growth and everything, just like a real person! I’m so proud right now.”

I laughed, it was funny.

Later in the conversation my brother was telling me about a job interview...

Me: “WOW like a real big boy job?! That’s my lil Leo the Late Bloomer! 25, better late than never huh?!”

He laughed, it was funny.

I was talking to my Mom on the phone, she was waiting for my brother to call and she asked what we had talked about.

I relayed the conversation...

Me: “Then Mac was like, ‘Look at you! Personal growth and everything, just like a real person! I’m so proud right now.”

Mom: “BAHAHAHAHAHAHA (takes a breath) hahahahahahahahahaha.”

Me: “Ya ok over there? Didn’t pee or anything, right?”

Mom: “HA! NO! It’s just really funny!”

Me: “k”

I continue to retell the dialogue...

Me: “...so then I was like, ‘WOW like a real big boy job?! That’s my lil Leo the Late Bloomer! 25, better late than never huh?!’
Mom: “ASHLEY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

Me: “Uh... what?”

Mom: “Do you have to ruin EVERYTHING?”

Me: “I want to say yes, but I’m not sure what exactly I ruined in this instance.” 

Mom: “He’s really excited about something and you can’t help but be so mean.  You’re always so mean.”

Me: “Are you messing with me?”

Mom: “NO!”

Me: “Can you hear yourself right now? So when I’m excited about something and Mac gives me a jab it’s so funny you can’t breathe, but I poke fun at smoopie and I’m the meanest person in the world?”

Mom: “It’s different...”

Me: “It’s not...”

Mom: “He didn’t mean it in a mean way, Ashley.”

Me: “We meant it the exact same way, Mom.”

My Mother gives an exasperated sigh... I’ll translate it for you “Why is my daughter so awful, God? Why?”

Me: “He’ll live, I promise.”

We continue with our conversation and I suppress my childhood desire to murder my own brother in the hopes that my parents will like me more if there isn’t another option...

On Mother’s Day my mom calls me at 0930.  For the record I was going to call... usually I wake up around 0730 but I had been staying up until 0400 because of work so I had just woken up when she called.  I asked how her Mother’s Day was going and all of the things one is supposed to say/ask about the day...

I had sent my mother some pajama’s she had said she wanted.

Mom: “I like my pajamas, they’re so cute.”

Me: “I’m glad.”

Mom: “Your Dad got me two more charms for my bracelet...” (she described them...) “...and Mac got me a card! I have to read it to you, it’s so funny!”

Me: “oh, ok.”

Mom: ‘Happy Mother’s Day from your favorite.... (open card) ...OH C’MON EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S TRUE!’ “He wrote Happy ‘Mother’s Day from your spoiled son.’  Hahahaha Isn’t that just the best card?!”

Me: “Oh yeah, funny and completely accurate all at the same time.”

My Mother then giggled... I’ll translate that for you “hehe you’re right but I’m not supposed to actually say that out loud hehe.”

Enjoy my life... 

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