“The Worst Proposal of All Time...”

From the Vault...

(Whenever things would get slow during a flight this is the story I would tell as a warning to all other men...Josh had never heard it until the other day and he felt that I should share it with y’all.)

So my ex-husband was also a shitty boyfriend.. shocking, I know.  He would break up with me regularly because he “could do better” blah blah blah... I had low self esteem blah blah.  So after dating off and on all during college I went off the Texas for Navigator training and he went to grad school at Alabama.  A couple of months before I graduated from training (mother’s day weekend I think,) I flew him out to Texas to come see me.  I was living in the dorms, which means I had a bed, recliner, kitchenette, bathroom, and particle board furniture.

It’s beautiful isn’t it? All that one could hope for? Probably the MOST romantic place in all of San Antonio.

Like I was saying... On the day that I picked him up from the airport two friends had been installing running boards on my jeep...

Sometimes I miss you Jeep!

...I had been helping and by the time it was time to go pick up asshole from the airport I was covered in sweat and grease.  I called and told him I’m not coming inside because I’m so gross so just come outside.  

     On the last day of his visit we had been out during the day doing something and I had gotten a terrible headache.  I told him we needed to go back to my room so I could lay down.  

I had JUST fallen asleep... 

Mike: “Hey (shakes me slightly,) Wake up.”

Me: “I JUST fell asleep! Leave me alone.”

Mike: “I need to talk to you.”

Me: “Seriously? My head hurts...this can’t wait?!”

Mike: “No, we really need to talk.”

Me (halfway talking into my pillow): “Are you kidding? Did you just wake me up to break up with me?! You could have just done this in an email or over the phone.”

Mike: “Will you talk to me?”

Me: “Holy fuck! What?!”

I sit up...

Mike: “Well... ya know... we’ve been together for a long time...”

Me: “Just say it so I can go back to sleep...”

Mike: “I just really don’t think there’s anything left for us to do.”

Me: “Un-fucking-believable! You had me fly you here, take you around San Antonio all weekend, wake me up with a headache, and all so you could dump me AGAIN!” 

Mike: “No, I think the only thing left for us to do is get married...”

The fact that I said yes honestly makes me want to kill myself... with out a doubt the dumbest thing I’ve done.

He takes out a ring... 

We had been together for some time (off and on obviously) so the discussion of what kind of ring I would want had come up.  I like the rings with three diamonds, I do not like yellow gold, and I did not want anything from a chain store like zales or kays... (they’re gross... yeah, I said it! Hearts open Jane Seymore kind of gross!)

This ring was in a zales box, was a solitaire, and was two and a half sizes too big... (at least it wasn’t yellow gold I guess.) We take it to Zales... fucking Zales... and they have to send it off so I didn’t actually even get to wear the engagement ring I didn’t want for two weeks.  

I think I managed to hold in my bitchness for all of 24 hours...

Me: “So decided not to go with the whole knee thing?”

Mike: “I forgot.”

Me: “Did you forget all the nice things you had decided to say too?”

Mike: “I figured I’d just wing it.”

Me: “Well I figured you were dumping me... the setting made it extra beautiful, I appreciated the effort.”

Mike: “Well you ruined what I had planned.”

Me: “How did I do that?”

Mike: “I was going to propose in the airport, but you didn’t come inside.”

Me: “So the San Antonio airport was your plan for a magical moment huh?  Whatever...”

He also called his parents to tell them we were engaged... His mom’s response? 
Mike’s Mom: “So, she’s pregnant?”

Mike: “No.”

Mike’s Mom: “Then why are you marrying her?!”

Yeah I can’t believe I didn’t take his stupid last name... 

It’s almost 1400 today... that’s late enough to start drinking right?

WIKI LEAKS!!! (AKA What is Wrong With Most Officers in the Military: Cowardice and Ignorance are Commissioned)

Not to be insulting (to y’all...not this idiot) because I’m guilty of this too, but there’s going to be some rambling, there’s going to be some ranting, and there’s even going to be a soap box... stay with me and my long winded story, because I promise it’ll be worth it.

On the 13th of June a CV-22 crashed during a routine training mission.  I want to make it clear that at no point did I insinuate anything about this crew’s ability or that I was anything but concerned for their well being.  As a flyer I do not find crashes funny... After reading a few articles and hearing the news report (as opposed to the person this blog is about who obviously did not) about the crash I wrote this status on my FB account.

I should probably explain a little back story about myself and my feelings about the Commander I’m referencing... maybe one day I’ll give it it’s own story, but not today.  

I had a terrible commander, they were looking for a reason to fire him, but he was the protege to the Wing Commander.  The Wing Commander likes to go on firing sprees and that’s how he handles most of his problems...(because actually leading takes effort and respect.) I posted on facebook an idiotic email my Squadron Commander (we’ll call him “The Clown” from here on out) had sent out to over 300 people and multiple people commented on it. They were not nice comments... anyone with half a brain hates the man...I say “man” loosely.  A rancid bitch I used to work with went to him and told him that I was a “cancer” because obviously I was leading a coup.  After receiving this information The Clown then called the AFSOC Commander to demand that I be brought up on charges in a court martial because he had lost control of the squadron and I had taken over his command.  His mentor could no longer protect him from his own stupidity and he was relieved of command, but I was given paperwork.  The Wing Commander was the person with the power to give me a “Retain” or a “Do Not Retain” when my name came up in the Reduction In Forces....I had embarrassed him and his protege so out I went.  

Back to what this story is actually about... after that post I received this private message from some one who’s husband I used to work with, I have hung out with socially two or three times, and who is an officer in the Air Force Reserves.  

I knew this girl thought she was far more amazing than she really is, but I had no idea she was THIS far on the other side of ignorant.... I’m just going to dissect these messages for y’all... ok for me because I don’t like fake bitches.

“Didn’t you learn the first time.”

Yes, I did.  That is why you will not find anything about my current job on this blog or my FB page.  This comment is incredibly condescending and I’m not such a raging “holier than thou” bitch that I would say something like that to someone I didn’t hate.  This says “Hey sugar, remember when you lost your career and spiraled into a depression? We don’t want to do that again now do we???”  Thank you for showing what an insensitive cunt you are (and coming from me that says A LOT) and that you don’t understand that I was given my paper work for reposting my boss’ public email to my private FB page and NOT for reposting my opinion about how an organization I no longer have any affiliation with is managed...well done. 

“...let’s respect the family and not put there* business on blast...”

I’m assuming you’re referencing where I said that I was glad their relatives are ok... I see why that would upset them.  Completely valid point... your reading comprehension is impeccable and I am lucky to have you on my friends list to keep me free of such offensive language. (*it’s “their” smarty smart)

“Maybe it’s my intel background but stuff like this is how wiki-leaks probably got started...”

I have a few things to say about this statement... (takes a breathe...gets another cup of coffee...and go) Let me explain to you what Wiki-Leaks actually is since you obviously don’t understand it...sugar.  

WikiLeaks- is an international, online, self-described not-for-profit organization publishing submissions of private, secret, and classified media from anonymous news sources, news leaks, and whistleblowers. 

Now that that’s understood, let me explain to you a few of the things they actually did: (I’m only using stuff I easily find for leaks regarding the U.S. I’d found a lot more, but Josh told me no one wants to read that...so here’s a few.) 

-A March 2003 copy of Standard Operating Procedures for Camp Delta detailing the protocol of the U.S. Army at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp was released....

-During the 2008 United States presidential election campaigns, the contents of a Yahoo account belonging to Sarah Palin were posted on WikiLeaks after being hacked into by members of Anonymous.... 

-A classified video of the 12 July 2007 Baghdad airstrike was released, showing two Reuters employees being fired at, after the pilots mistakenly thought the men were carrying weapons, which were in fact cameras.

-400,000 documents relating to the Iraq War were released in October. The BBC quoted The Pentagon referring to the Iraq War Logs as "the largest leak of classified documents in its history." Media coverage of the leaked documents focused on claims that the U.S. government had ignored reports of torture by the Iraqi authorities during the period after the 2003 war

(this information came from WikiPedia... i’m not going to WikiLeaks...sorry.)

Now I can see how you think that me pointing out that the Wing CC is a hypocrite is just like WikiLeaks revealing the above information (and much more,) but I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t because you just like to say things that make you sound smart ie. “my intel background” or “WikiLeaks.”  I mean that would be a TERRIBLE idea as I am not intimidated by someone just because they can make a power point nor does it bother me when someone compares me to something far worse than I am... (“Cancer” is still my favorite by the way!)

“...but I don’t want this on my feed...”

Well then unfriend me or change your settings so you don’t see my updates you stupid twat... I ignore all of your bullshit about Jesus with out feeling that I need for you to censor yourself.  Funny story about her and jesus bullshit... at a friends wedding all of the girls got together to take pictures, after a few pictures this fine fine lady says: “Can we take a few without the drinks...and can y’all not tag me in any pictures with alcohol, I am a preacher’s wife on sundays after all.”  Hahahaha because THAT is what it means to be a good Christian...you can drink, but just be fake as shit about it and lie to your “friends” in the congregation.  I think that’s found in the New Testament somewhere... in red letters. 

“...and two of them are in critical condition...”

Since I actually understand how google works, I checked their conditions before making my statement.  Four were in stable condition and one was in guarded condition... Reading is super hard! Good thing you get to just copy and past some one else’s work for those intel briefs, huh? 

                                                    "...we should be praying instead of pointing fingers.”

You find where I blamed anyone on that crew for what happened.  For that matter you find where I actually said that I thought the Wing CC caused this... Please refer to my actual comment that says “...What I think is the cause is besides the point..” I don’t know how you passed college admissions testing... honestly... how? Did reading the paragraph about the grandfather and the bananas to prove you can read give you any trouble when you joined the AF? 

Here was my response...(after I blacked out from the rage for a second and texted that screen shot to several people to make sure she was being as big of a bitch as I thought)

And then she was like...

“...I don’t take part in the point the finger and blame game.”

Show me where I said that... show me where I said anything other than that awful piece of officer would fire anyone else in his position.  

“I don’t know Col ___ personally and I am not going there with you with The Clown contrary to what you think he I still respect and as a leader and person.”

I’m going to ignore your inability to form a sentence in english and just speak to your point.  I don’t care to know that jack hole personally... General Patton was a dick and Churchill was a drunk, BUT they were both amazing leaders and THAT is what their people should judge them by first and foremost.  I received phone calls from people that knew him from the time he was a Lt until now telling me what an asshole he is and that no one would follow him anywhere.  I don’t know anyone who thinks that he cares about them or would follow him out of a wet paper bag because they all know he’d stab them in the back just to make rank...so no I really do not care to know if he kicks his dog or goes to church on sundays.  As far as The Clown goes, he’s a Lt Col...he will never make O-6 and if my career imploding did anything I can take some comfort in the fact that he will never ever have any affect on or be put in command of another airman.  I could go on to list all of the ways that he is a terrible leader, but I’ll just say this... I said before how he called the AFSOC CC because I’m a scary meanie pants AND THEN after being put where LtCols go to die he emailed General Swartz to say: “I was fired under suspicious circumstances and I would like to be included in ______” (some special program for people who want to go into politics.)  Swartz did not respond but just emailed the AFSOC CC to say “Why are your people contacting me?” Sooo maybe you should call your bestie because I’d say he didn’t learn HIS lesson.  I had written a long list of all of his short comings as a commander but I think those two things say it all.

And then I was like...

I thought I was being nice... I mean I didn’t even say “ya dumb bitch” or anything.

And then she was like...

“Honestly your opinion matters little to me.  Like I am sure mine matters little to you.”

Well then why the fuck did you message me?!  Again, this is a “nice” or “fake bitch” way of saying “I’m smarter than you and I can’t believe you don’t agree and would dare to be aggressive to the likes of me.”  Well, if I respected you as a person and I wasn’t so sure of how stupid you are then I might actually take your opinion into consideration. 

“...I am just going to pray for the families.  I am not trying to be condescending I just don’t want OPSEC info on FB.  But hey your* not in the military anymore or the only person doing it.  So I apologize if I offended you.”

Hahahahahahaha (takes a breath) hahahahahaha you’re so stupid hahahaha.  So for anyone who doesn’t know...including this “lady,” OPSEC stands for “Operational Security.”  Now it is terribly sad that someone with an “intel background” does not know what that means.  Fine... I’ll tell you.  Nothing I said in anyway sheds any light on ANY operations.  I did not say that I know what happened, I didn’t say what I have seen of CV-22 performance, I didn’t say anything about recent incidents, and I said far less than the Wing CC actually released.... soooo I think that you need to call him and make sure he knows that he is worse than WikiLeaks.  This is what was released shortly after the crash...

http://www.dvidshub.net/video/146723/hurlburt-cv-22-crash-press-conference#.T-C1LY5FDUQ

(*the word is “you’re”)

I know...I know... watching the news and doing a google search is really complicated... not to mention that you don’t even have the basic understanding of simple words/phrases that should be well ingrained in your “intel background.”

(pulls soap box out from closet... stands proudly on said soap box...)

Thank you... thank you for showing me yet another Officer who still has their commission, but doesn’t deserve it.  You are a fine example of what is wrong with the Officer Corps as a whole.  You obviously have no idea why I am not in the AF because I have never been accused of an OPSEC violation, BUT you went ahead and decided to preach to me.  As if not only are you smarter than I am, but that I would immediately just follow your ignorant lead because... well... why wouldn’t I? You’re so smart...I’m sure you have a piece of paper that says so and shiny things on your shoulders so why would anyone question what you say? THAT is a very common problem... you have this sense of entitlement that people should just listen to you even though you have no idea what you’re talking about AND you’re not willing to do the research.  Not only do you lack basic skills to perform your job, have a sense of entitlement, but you’re also a coward.  Even though you were trying to support “the man,” regardless of what is right or wrong, you didn’t want people to know that.  You are such a coward that you thought you could send me some message and no one would have to know what a bitch you are... because standing up for something publicly is scary isn’t it? People might not agree with you... people might find out you’re not that bright... people might see that you support a regime that is mocked and hated, but you fall in line because that’s what “good” officers do.  Well, let me be really clear here... you and the officers like you are a disgrace, I am ashamed that any of you are called leaders,  and here’s a shocker... your “subordinates, airman, troops...” whatever term you call them to make sure they know you think you’re above them... they know... they know you’re a coward, they know you’d never make a public stand for them (or even your leaders apparently,) and they also know you’re an idiot since they’re the ones making those power points for you when you get the credit for briefing them.  Oh, how do I know that? Because I called them my “friends, guys, or coworkers...” because they knew I wasn’t the kind of O to hide in a private message or just listen to someone because of what’s on their shoulders... 

So fuck you and every idiotic coward just like you who’s dragging down our military... 

And then I was like...

    haha oh wait... I wrote this blog.

(oh and thank you for giving Josh and I our newest thing to randomly yell at each other since high school! “WIKILEAKS!!!”)

It is NOT a good idea to send me a private bitch message... it will not stay private and I’m all out of free passes... 

(What’s the meanest thing I can say right now?! ok technically I STILL didn’t cross that line, but if you still read these I really wish you would appreciate all of the things I don’t say)

"Are You Gonna Pay For That?"

Yet another date... BLOG FODDER!!!! 

We were supposed to meet at TGIFriday’s.  He said that he wasn’t hungry and had eaten right before leaving for the restaurant... oooooof course ya did, Scooter.  I explained that I didn’t care, I was eating.

We talked for some time and had a couple of beers.  At around 11 he too announced that he was tired, paid A tab, gave me an awkward hug, and we walked out.  

As I walked through the dark parking lot alone (because why would a guy walk me to my car in the middle of the night?) the bartender catches up to me....

Bartender: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but he didn’t pay for your food or drinks.”

Me: “Wow! I’m so sorry, I obviously assumed that he had.”

Bartender: “No that’s totally understandable, but obviously he’s a dick.”

Me: “Obviously.”

Bartender: “If you’ll just wait a minute I’ll get your bill.”

Me: “Ok, again I’m sorry.”

Bartender: “No, I’m sorry you had a date with a jerk.”

There’s a group of college kids sitting outside.  All of them begin to express their feelings on the douche bag and my embarrassment... which obviously helped my anger over the fact that it’s one thing if a guy doesn’t want to pay, but to actually let me walk out... you’re a douche. 

When I got home I had an email... apologizing for leaving so abruptly... this was my response..

"yeah I was wondering about that... I was also thinking about how nice it was to walk myself to my car and get stopped by the bartender because I wrongly assumed that you had paid my tab since you let me walk out.. don't worry though, there was a nice group of college kids to feel sorry for me while I used their table to sign my bill"

"Carnies, Circus Folk, Nomads, You Know. Smell Like Cabbage. Small Hands."

I’m starting to think that I was way better off just dating myself... but apparently it’s weird to be ok with dying alone... stupid societal norms!

This fella wanted to go to picklefish, much better start than the Beau Rivage, so I agree.  

We meet and order a couple of beers.  No food was ordered... can I point out that if I meet with you at around dinner time I expect food.  I work out a lot... I eat a lot... it’s happening. 

I thought we were having an enjoyable time (minus my lack of food) and then things took a turn... I thought this guy was good looking, he wasn’t very tall, but worked out a lot...which honestly made him look a little disproportionate but ya know... no one’s perfect.  

Date #2: “It’s so hard for me to hold the heavier dumb bells because my hands are so small.”

Me: “Oh, yeah that’s obviously my problem too...otherwise I’d be throwing the 100lbs dumbbells around.”

He says a little more about working out in general...

Date #2: “Yeah, it’s hard not to drop ‘em though, when you don’t have huge hands.”

Me: “Ok, let me see these things.”

I hold up my hand to his... mine was bigger.  Not by a lot. I have long fingers, but not manly hands by any means.  

Me: “I have really long fingers.  You’re not the first guy I’ve met who’s fingers aren’t as long as mine, that’s all.”

Date #2: “Yeah, you do have long fingers.  I mean I don’t think I have the Burgerking guy’s hands or anything, they’re just a little small.”

Me: “Do they smell of cabbage?”

I laughed... it was funny and how many times am I supposed to not

Date #2: (No laughter) “No, and I’m not related to any carnies either...”

Me: “Ha, well that’s good to know.”

I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I came back.

Date #2: “I’m really tired so I’m gonna go.”

I still had some of my beer left.

Me: “Oh...uh ok.”

Date #2: “Yeah, I paid while you were in the bathroom.”

Me: “Well, alright then.”

We walk out... small hug.

Date #2: “It was nice to meet you, I’m just tired.”

Walks off... Never to be heard from again. 

That’s like me expecting a guy to tell me my boobs are big... I should have just made a dick joke.

You're Going to Put This on Facebook, Aren't You?

So I went on a date a few nights ago and don’t y’all worry... this story does not disappoint.

I had agreed to go on a date with this guy.  We had been texting and he said he wanted to go to the Beau Rivage... this is a 50 minute drive from my parents house, but I thought that maybe the guy really liked gambling so I said that was fine.  He had tried to get me to ride with him and I informed him that I have this thing about getting murdered and since I didn’t know him I would be driving myself.  

I get to the casino and we meet in the lobby. We are walking past the gentleman that checks ID’s...

Patrick: “I have this whole night planned out.”

Me: “Oh, really? OK.”

Patrick: “We’re starting here!”

He motions towards the bar at the entrance of the casino.

Me: “ok...”

We sit down and the waitress walks over...

Waitress: “What can I get y’all?”

Patrick: “Two shots of tequila please.” 

Me: “Jumping right in there huh?”

Patrick: “Oh yeah! I’ve already decided what we’re drinking all night.”

Me to the Waitress: “I’ll have some water please.” 

Me to Patrick: “I don’t care for shots and I’m a slow drinker.” 

Patrick: “I hate tequila but you can’t beat how messed up it gets you.”

Me: “uh, I guess.”

We start to make small talk... our days... the gym... blah blah no one cares...

Our shots arrive and I don’t like doing shots, I know my limitations, and even when I DO take a shot I almost always just sip it over time.  This was not a standard size shot... it was massive.

We tap our glasses and I then touched mine to the table before taking my first drink...

Patrick: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Starting the slow process of drinking this shot?”

Patrick: “You touched the table.”

Me: “True story.”

Patrick: “You can’t do that.”

Me: “Uh I do and I did.”

Patrick: “You can’t touch your glass to the table before drinking it.”

Me: “That’s how my friends and I do it.”

Patrick: “Who?”

Me: “Uh all of my military friends.”

Patrick: “They’re wrong.”

Me: “Ha, ok.”

I finished my shot and my bottle of water around the same time.  

Patrick: “So, what’s your exit strategy?”

Me: “My what?”

Patrick: “I mean, were you going to get a room?”

Me: “Oh, no I’m going to drive home this evening.”

Patrick: “That’s dangerous.”

Me: “I wasn’t going to try to break the land speed record getting there.”

Patrick: “I just mean because there are cops everywhere.”

Me: “Well I’m not getting wasted and I plan on following the speed limit so I think I’ll be ok.”

Patrick: “Just seems like a better idea for you to get a room.”

Me: “I will not be staying here this evening.”

The conversation moves on from there and seems to be going ok. Well, I mean for a little while... maybe ok is a strong word... we weren’t silent? Yes, that’s a better description, we were in fact speaking. 

We discuss things like how he wasn’t fired from the police department but he was suspended and then quit after his suspension.  For what? You might ask.. oh! I’m so glad you did because this is the video he told me to look up...  

Now I’m not one to judge a little excessive force but you can feel free to go right ahead.  

He had mentioned that a year ago he had gotten a DUI, but it was a misunderstanding...

Me: “How was it a misunderstanding?”

Patrick: “Well I was driving down Cottage Hill and I passed out.  When I woke up I had flipped my car three times into someone’s yard.”

Me: “What was the misunderstanding?”

Patrick: “Well my buddy was the first guy on the scene and he didn’t want to arrest me, but his Lt said he had to.”

Me: “Doesn’t sound like a misunderstanding.”

Patrick: “Well, I was banging his wife.”

Me: “Oh, of course you were.  I guess he was a big a-hole and holding a grudge huh?”

Patrick: “Yeah!”

He then orders a “Boiler Maker.”  I ordered another water.  For those of you who are not familiar with a “Boiler Maker” it consists of taking a shot of Wild turkey 101, pouring it into a glass, and then pouring a bud light in the glass.  It tastes like watered down Wild Turkey 101 and is a way to get fucked up in a hurry.  

I slowly sip the disgusting drink... 

HERE’S WHERE THIS GETS GOOD!

They were playing rather random music in the bar.  The song “Black Horse and A Cherry Tree” comes on...

Patrick makes a comment about the age of the song.

Me: “It came out in 2005.”

Patrick: “No it didn’t.”

Me: “I’m almost positive it came out in ’05.”

Patrick: “You’re wrong.”

Me: “Don’t think so...”

I pull out my handy dandy iPhone and pull this up...

I showed him the page..

Patrick: “Yeah, see 2004.”

Me: “Uh that’s the recorded date, but the release date is 2005.”

Patrick: “So, you’re wrong.”

Me: “Ha, no because it wasn’t released until ’05.”

Patrick: “It was ’04.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you two were personal friends and she let you sit in on the recording session and that’s how you heard it in ’04 when the rest of us had to wait till ’05.

Patrick: (makes the ‘cat noise’ which translate to ‘what a bitch’)

I personally think if you make that noise and the woman doesn’t deserve it then she should be allowed to punch you without any repercussions.

Me: “Well, I don’t think I’m being a bitch.  I said something, you said I was wrong, I provided proof, you then ignored my proof, so I then explained the validity of it.”

Patrick: “I see you got your Father’s winning personality.” 

Me: “Yes, I did.” (I then stared at him until he broke eye contact.)

I change the subject to try to find something more pleasant to talk about.... don’t worry though Patrick made sure to bring it back to douche-town.

Patrick: “We could get massages.”

Me: “It’s 9 something at night, is their spa open 24hrs?”

Patrick: “I don’t think so, but ya know I meant we could get a room and I’d give you a massage and you’d give me one.”

Me: “HA that’s not happening.”

Patrick: “I didn’t mean like that, I just mean massages.”

Me: “Right, well I just meant no thank you.”

Patrick: “Fine.”

Pause in conversation...

Patrick: “I really think you should just get a hotel room.”

Me: “I’m driving home tonight.”

Patrick: “It’s not like that...I’d sleep on the couch.”

Me: “I am not sharing a hotel room with a man I just met.”

Patrick: “I don’t see why not.”

Me: “I’m a lady and I don’t get a hotel room with strangers.”

Patrick: “See what does that even mean? Why do women say that? What is ‘I’m a lady’ supposed to mean?!”

Me: “Let me spell this out... I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU and on that same line of thinking I will not be purchasing a hotel room for you to sleep in!”

Patrick: “I don’t think less of a woman for having sex on the first date.”

Me: “Oh well that’s great, but I don’t guess it’s occurred to you that maybe I would think less of myself for sleeping with you.”

Pause in conversation... 

At this point I have had two bottles of water and 3/4’s of my “Boiler Maker.”

Patrick: “I’ve never seen a military girl who couldn’t drink.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Patrick: “You’ve had more water than alcohol.”

Me: “Your point being?”

Patrick: “All the military girls I’ve ever met knew how to drink.”

Me: “First off, I feel sorry for the military girls that let themselves get shit faced around you, second I don’t get wasted with strangers, and third I can’t believe you’re going to sit and try to pressure a small woman to drink more.”

Patrick: “Well I just thought you said you were a drinker”

Me: “You’ve had less of your drink than I have.”

Patrick: “Yeah because I’m just trying to be polite and have less to drink than you.”

Me: “I don’t think ‘polite’ is the correct word for what you’re doing.”

Patrick: “I’ve just never seen a military girl who doesn’t like to have a good time.”

Me: “HA! Ok, I’m 29 years old so you’re not going to peer pressure me into getting wasted... you should probably date younger women, possibly below legal drinking age.”

Pause in conversation...

Patrick: “I just thought we were going to have a good time.”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re not having a good time, but at no point did I say that I would get wasted or sleep with you and I didn’t say you couldn’t drink and get your own hotel room.”

Patrick: “I’m not drinking by myself.”

Me: “I’m drinking.”

Patrick: “Not really, it’s not the same.”

Angry pause... 

Patrick: “I really feel led on.”

Me: “HA! How the hell do you figure that?!”

Patrick: “Well you said you were in the military and that you like to drink so I just assumed we were going to have a good time!”

Me: “I am sorry I didn’t realize that being in the military automatically made me some slut with no standards or self respect so I would numb myself with enough booze to be willing to bang YOU... I must have missed that brief during indoc.”

Patrick: “It’s not about sex.”

Me: “Please stop saying sex..”

I finish my drink...

Patrick: “Why did we come all the way over here if we weren’t going to do anything, I mean we could have just gone to dinner if this is all we were going to do.”

Me: “This was your idea!”

Patrick: “Yeah, because you led me on.”

Me: “HOLY FUCK!”

Patrick: “Should we just call this?”

Me: “Yes, BYE!”

The waitress brings the check, I think she could hear us fighting.

Patrick: “I have to walk you to your car.”

Me: “Oh because you’re such a fucking gentleman? NO, I’m good.”

Patrick: “I can’t let you walk alone.”

Me: “It’s a casino, there’s camera’s everywhere, and they’re not going to want me to die on their property.”

He follows me out... I stop to use the bathroom and he waits outside the door.

Me: “Why are you walking with me?”

Patrick: “You’re going to put this on Facebook aren’t you?”

Me: “HA! Buddy, I’m gonna put this on Facebook, my blog, and I’m going to include your YouTube clip!”

Patrick: “Really?”

Me: “Definitely.”

We get to my car and he goes to give me a hug...

Me: “Nope.”

I start to get into my car...

Patrick: “Well, text me if you want to grab dinner or hang out.”

Me: “HA! Seriously? That is not happening...ever.”

SLAM!