So I went on a date a few nights ago and don’t y’all worry... this story does not disappoint.
I had agreed to go on a date with this guy. We had been texting and he said he wanted to go to the Beau Rivage... this is a 50 minute drive from my parents house, but I thought that maybe the guy really liked gambling so I said that was fine. He had tried to get me to ride with him and I informed him that I have this thing about getting murdered and since I didn’t know him I would be driving myself.
I get to the casino and we meet in the lobby. We are walking past the gentleman that checks ID’s...
Patrick: “I have this whole night planned out.”
Me: “Oh, really? OK.”
Patrick: “We’re starting here!”
He motions towards the bar at the entrance of the casino.
Me: “ok...”
We sit down and the waitress walks over...
Waitress: “What can I get y’all?”
Patrick: “Two shots of tequila please.”
Me: “Jumping right in there huh?”
Patrick: “Oh yeah! I’ve already decided what we’re drinking all night.”
Me to the Waitress: “I’ll have some water please.”
Me to Patrick: “I don’t care for shots and I’m a slow drinker.”
Patrick: “I hate tequila but you can’t beat how messed up it gets you.”
Me: “uh, I guess.”
We start to make small talk... our days... the gym... blah blah no one cares...
Our shots arrive and I don’t like doing shots, I know my limitations, and even when I DO take a shot I almost always just sip it over time. This was not a standard size shot... it was massive.
We tap our glasses and I then touched mine to the table before taking my first drink...
Patrick: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Starting the slow process of drinking this shot?”
Patrick: “You touched the table.”
Me: “True story.”
Patrick: “You can’t do that.”
Me: “Uh I do and I did.”
Patrick: “You can’t touch your glass to the table before drinking it.”
Me: “That’s how my friends and I do it.”
Patrick: “Who?”
Me: “Uh all of my military friends.”
Patrick: “They’re wrong.”
Me: “Ha, ok.”
I finished my shot and my bottle of water around the same time.
Patrick: “So, what’s your exit strategy?”
Me: “My what?”
Patrick: “I mean, were you going to get a room?”
Me: “Oh, no I’m going to drive home this evening.”
Patrick: “That’s dangerous.”
Me: “I wasn’t going to try to break the land speed record getting there.”
Patrick: “I just mean because there are cops everywhere.”
Me: “Well I’m not getting wasted and I plan on following the speed limit so I think I’ll be ok.”
Patrick: “Just seems like a better idea for you to get a room.”
Me: “I will not be staying here this evening.”
The conversation moves on from there and seems to be going ok. Well, I mean for a little while... maybe ok is a strong word... we weren’t silent? Yes, that’s a better description, we were in fact speaking.
We discuss things like how he wasn’t fired from the police department but he was suspended and then quit after his suspension. For what? You might ask.. oh! I’m so glad you did because this is the video he told me to look up...
Now I’m not one to judge a little excessive force but you can feel free to go right ahead.
He had mentioned that a year ago he had gotten a DUI, but it was a misunderstanding...
Me: “How was it a misunderstanding?”
Patrick: “Well I was driving down Cottage Hill and I passed out. When I woke up I had flipped my car three times into someone’s yard.”
Me: “What was the misunderstanding?”
Patrick: “Well my buddy was the first guy on the scene and he didn’t want to arrest me, but his Lt said he had to.”
Me: “Doesn’t sound like a misunderstanding.”
Patrick: “Well, I was banging his wife.”
Me: “Oh, of course you were. I guess he was a big a-hole and holding a grudge huh?”
Patrick: “Yeah!”
He then orders a “Boiler Maker.” I ordered another water. For those of you who are not familiar with a “Boiler Maker” it consists of taking a shot of Wild turkey 101, pouring it into a glass, and then pouring a bud light in the glass. It tastes like watered down Wild Turkey 101 and is a way to get fucked up in a hurry.
I slowly sip the disgusting drink...
HERE’S WHERE THIS GETS GOOD!
They were playing rather random music in the bar. The song “Black Horse and A Cherry Tree” comes on...
Patrick makes a comment about the age of the song.
Me: “It came out in 2005.”
Patrick: “No it didn’t.”
Me: “I’m almost positive it came out in ’05.”
Patrick: “You’re wrong.”
Me: “Don’t think so...”
I pull out my handy dandy iPhone and pull this up...
I showed him the page..
Patrick: “Yeah, see 2004.”
Me: “Uh that’s the recorded date, but the release date is 2005.”
Patrick: “So, you’re wrong.”
Me: “Ha, no because it wasn’t released until ’05.”
Patrick: “It was ’04.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you two were personal friends and she let you sit in on the recording session and that’s how you heard it in ’04 when the rest of us had to wait till ’05.
Patrick: (makes the ‘cat noise’ which translate to ‘what a bitch’)
I personally think if you make that noise and the woman doesn’t deserve it then she should be allowed to punch you without any repercussions.
Me: “Well, I don’t think I’m being a bitch. I said something, you said I was wrong, I provided proof, you then ignored my proof, so I then explained the validity of it.”
Patrick: “I see you got your Father’s winning personality.”
Me: “Yes, I did.” (I then stared at him until he broke eye contact.)
I change the subject to try to find something more pleasant to talk about.... don’t worry though Patrick made sure to bring it back to douche-town.
Patrick: “We could get massages.”
Me: “It’s 9 something at night, is their spa open 24hrs?”
Patrick: “I don’t think so, but ya know I meant we could get a room and I’d give you a massage and you’d give me one.”
Me: “HA that’s not happening.”
Patrick: “I didn’t mean like that, I just mean massages.”
Me: “Right, well I just meant no thank you.”
Patrick: “Fine.”
Pause in conversation...
Patrick: “I really think you should just get a hotel room.”
Me: “I’m driving home tonight.”
Patrick: “It’s not like that...I’d sleep on the couch.”
Me: “I am not sharing a hotel room with a man I just met.”
Patrick: “I don’t see why not.”
Me: “I’m a lady and I don’t get a hotel room with strangers.”
Patrick: “See what does that even mean? Why do women say that? What is ‘I’m a lady’ supposed to mean?!”
Me: “Let me spell this out... I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU and on that same line of thinking I will not be purchasing a hotel room for you to sleep in!”
Patrick: “I don’t think less of a woman for having sex on the first date.”
Me: “Oh well that’s great, but I don’t guess it’s occurred to you that maybe I would think less of myself for sleeping with you.”
Pause in conversation...
At this point I have had two bottles of water and 3/4’s of my “Boiler Maker.”
Patrick: “I’ve never seen a military girl who couldn’t drink.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Patrick: “You’ve had more water than alcohol.”
Me: “Your point being?”
Patrick: “All the military girls I’ve ever met knew how to drink.”
Me: “First off, I feel sorry for the military girls that let themselves get shit faced around you, second I don’t get wasted with strangers, and third I can’t believe you’re going to sit and try to pressure a small woman to drink more.”
Patrick: “Well I just thought you said you were a drinker”
Me: “You’ve had less of your drink than I have.”
Patrick: “Yeah because I’m just trying to be polite and have less to drink than you.”
Me: “I don’t think ‘polite’ is the correct word for what you’re doing.”
Patrick: “I’ve just never seen a military girl who doesn’t like to have a good time.”
Me: “HA! Ok, I’m 29 years old so you’re not going to peer pressure me into getting wasted... you should probably date younger women, possibly below legal drinking age.”
Pause in conversation...
Patrick: “I just thought we were going to have a good time.”
Me: “I’m sorry you’re not having a good time, but at no point did I say that I would get wasted or sleep with you and I didn’t say you couldn’t drink and get your own hotel room.”
Patrick: “I’m not drinking by myself.”
Me: “I’m drinking.”
Patrick: “Not really, it’s not the same.”
Angry pause...
Patrick: “I really feel led on.”
Me: “HA! How the hell do you figure that?!”
Patrick: “Well you said you were in the military and that you like to drink so I just assumed we were going to have a good time!”
Me: “I am sorry I didn’t realize that being in the military automatically made me some slut with no standards or self respect so I would numb myself with enough booze to be willing to bang YOU... I must have missed that brief during indoc.”
Patrick: “It’s not about sex.”
Me: “Please stop saying sex..”
I finish my drink...
Patrick: “Why did we come all the way over here if we weren’t going to do anything, I mean we could have just gone to dinner if this is all we were going to do.”
Me: “This was your idea!”
Patrick: “Yeah, because you led me on.”
Me: “HOLY FUCK!”
Patrick: “Should we just call this?”
Me: “Yes, BYE!”
The waitress brings the check, I think she could hear us fighting.
Patrick: “I have to walk you to your car.”
Me: “Oh because you’re such a fucking gentleman? NO, I’m good.”
Patrick: “I can’t let you walk alone.”
Me: “It’s a casino, there’s camera’s everywhere, and they’re not going to want me to die on their property.”
He follows me out... I stop to use the bathroom and he waits outside the door.
Me: “Why are you walking with me?”
Patrick: “You’re going to put this on Facebook aren’t you?”
Me: “HA! Buddy, I’m gonna put this on Facebook, my blog, and I’m going to include your YouTube clip!”
Patrick: “Really?”
Me: “Definitely.”
We get to my car and he goes to give me a hug...
Me: “Nope.”
I start to get into my car...
Patrick: “Well, text me if you want to grab dinner or hang out.”
Me: “HA! Seriously? That is not happening...ever.”
SLAM!
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