Ice Cream Day 2

Today I went back for more ice cream.  (This is a trend and from here out it will be, 'when I went back for ice cream.' Or 'the next day.') The same happy ice cream guy was there... Looking skinny as ever. 

ICG: "Did you go to gym today?"

Me: "I go after work and I went yesterday.  Did YOU go to the gym?"

ICG: "Yes."

Me: "You have a gym?"

ICG: "Yes. You need to go."

Me: "I DO!"

He shakes his head.

Me: "Chocolate please."

ICG: "You should come to gym when I work."

Me: "Oh! Wow. You work here AND at one of the gyms on base?"

ICG: "Yes. If you come you get bigger."

Me: "I go to a different gym, but I'll try to train harder since you think I'm too skinny." 

ICG: "Ok, you say."

Me: "Yes, I do say. You have a good day." 

Looks like G has some competition. 

Quotes from work

The two guys are in their mid to late 50's.  One is already sitting with another crew member and me in the briefing room. The other walks in...

Guy 1: "Hello there princess Laya."

Me: "What"

Guy 1: "I said, Hello Princess Laya."

Let me clarify I do not wear my hair like that character. 

Me: "uh ok. Hey."

Guy two: "yeah, I see it now. You do kinda look like her. Especially like in that seen with jaba.  She had to really get into shape to look like that in that bikini... So ya know, like that."

Guy 1: "Exactly!"

Me: "Thanks..."

( I'm not sure what font expresses how dry and creeped out my tone was here, but invasion it for that 'thanks'.)

Guy 2: "That's a compliment. She looked great in that movie." 

I don't know what some of these dudes are going to do if they have to get normal jobs. 

(Editor's Note: "Also... (aligns pocket protector) I think it's princess Leia.")

Ice cream

I recently read Jenny Lawson's book "Let's Pretend This Never Happened" and she's inspired me through her hilarity to write down the little things.

     The ice cream man is usually the angriest person in the chow hall. I don't know if scooping ice cream is demeaning so they become angry or if that's where they stick the assholes because the other workers don't want to deal with them because they're angry. One was an actual terrorist and another was caught hoarding rat poison, just to give you an idea of the level of angry I'm talking about. Fucking angry. 

     This little ice cream guy is very nice. He smiles, says you're welcome, and my friend asked him the other day if he voted in the recent presidential elections and he proudly told him he had. He's very small for a grown man and cross eyed. Most Afghani's are small by American standards. As best I can tell the larger men must come from wealthy families and had the luxury of food during their childhood. For those of you who don't know me I'm only 5'4" and 115lbs. I'm not large by anyone's standards. (Except MW bc she's a bitch like that.) I don't eat sweets at home usually, because those are precious beer calories, but here I like to have a treat sometimes. ("Sometimes" is everyday.)

Imagine everything he says in a thick accent and very hard to understand. 

Ice cream guy: "Why you muscle so small?"

Me: "I'm sorry, what?" 

Ice cream guy: puts his hand around his incredibly small bicep "You muscle, why so small??" 

Me: "Are you asking why my muscles are small?!"

Ice cream guy: "Yes."

Me: awkward laughter. "Uh because I'm a girl? Wait a minute, I'm bigger than you are!"

Ice cream guy: "You no bigger than me." 

Me: "I am, you're a little fella. Cookies and cream please."

Ice cream guy: "You go to gym?" 

Me: "Yes, but I'll try to work harder for you. Do you go to the gym?"

Ice cream man: "Yes, everyday."

Me: "You do not."

Ice cream man: "Yes, I do."

This went back and forth at least five more times.

Me: "You go to a gym... out there... And pick up heavy things repeatedly."

ICG: "Yes. You go to gym, you get big muscle."

Me: "Thank you for the tip.  Have a nice day."

I just got told by the ice cream guy who I could probably carry in a back pack that I'm not beefy enough. 

Med School or Spouses Club?

Let me start by saying my roommate moved out and I have today off... Writing and drinking tea is one of my favorite things. (I love beer more than tea, but caffeine makes mean and booze makes me nice... A terrible side effect and there's no beer here.) 

When we work the compilation is usually an active duty member and three of us disgusting contractors.  It's actually in the contract that we sign our souls over to become contractors.  (I didn't have one so I sacrificed a baby on the alter of the almighty dollar... True story.)  I was at work the other day and this is the conversation that followed...

Sgt: "Yeah, lots of guys in my unit have wives in med school."

Me: "How many?"

Sgt: "Four. I think they get bored bc we're gone all the time. So they have to have something to do." 

He continues talking... 

Now to make me so mad I feel a need to stand up for all women everywhere you have to go pretty far. I mean I don't even like most women... After the last election I wish we didn't have the right to vote.  Honestly I would give up my right to vote if it meant that other bitches couldn't vote.  "He's so cool." "He's so good looking." "I want my $9 birth control to be FREE!" "She has a vagina like me!!" Seriously... Read a book.  Oh and no one is over turning Roe v. Wade either.  

Me: "I'm sorry, but when you say med school do you mean like technical school to be a dental hygienist or a nursing assistant? Or do you mean like going to get there medical degree to practice medicine?"

Sgt: "No, I mean their medical degree." 

Me: "And where are they going?"

Sgt: "One to Duke and three to UNC."

Me: "Sooo let me make sure I understand you. Your friends' wives are in med school and you think it's bc they finished all the laundry one day and decided they just needed a little more to do?" 

Sgt: "Well, why else would so many wives be in med school."

Me: "holy fuckballs man! So because your wife is a dependopotamus you just assume that these women just missed hubby so much that they went to med school on a whim?! No one just wakes up and says hmmmm I'm bored and there's nothing on tv... I wonder if Duke med school has any openings?? Honestly wtf is wrong w you?!" 

Now mind you I tend to black out when I get this angry and my rant lasted far longer than this that I've written. I'm also not actually sure of everything I said during this episode, but I know that was the gist of it.

Sgt: "I just mean it's weird.  Guys, c'mon... Help me out here. You guys get what I'm saying right?!" 

Coworker one: "HA! No way man.  She's pissed I'm not saying anything." 

Coworker two: "Nope, not doing it.  Just stop talking." 

And people wonder why I get so angry.