Splintered

As you all know my ex-husband got a new girlfriend (we're still speculating what mental facility she escaped from) and thought that it was appropriate to cut off all contact with me (in his defense this seems to be an epidemic… really ladies? Am I THAT threatening to you? so sad.) 

So as I sat and thought about what a douche my ex is and how much time I wasted on him as a boyfriend, husband, and then friend it occurred to me that the only reason I have a $40/month storage unit is to hold on to old patio furniture I had bought him for his birthday.  I then remembered the judge telling him that anything he didn't remove from my possession would be my property… hmmm what to do…what…to…do…

That's when it hit me…I'll give it back to him…in pieces.

I went to Lowe's and picked out my weapon.  I went to the "TOOL WORLD" area and only found small hammers…these won't do.  I asked an employee:

Me: "Excuse me, where are y'alls sledge hammers?"

Employee: "Let me look."

He came back a few minutes later.

Employee: "Uh we don't have any.  Would you like just a large hammer?"

Me: "Y'all don't sell them? I looked online and it…nevermind.  No, thank you."

FYI they're over by the rakes.

This is my storage unit…full of furniture.  I would spend $40 a month for a friend, but I will not spend $40 a month for an asshole!

 

The blue sheets are my ex-husband's from when he was in college… They were also abandoned at my place.

Today was a lot warmer than I anticipated… 

Before you judge, I'm not as in shape as I was before my surgery and you should try slinging a sledge hammer for 10-15minutes straight.

 

Me and MY WHOLE WORLD! (she might have helped by pooping on it)

Delivery! 

Me taking pride in a job well done!  I sweat a lot, but like my friend MW said, "Haha no one wants you so who the hell do you have to impress?" She's right and besides…this honey badger doesn't give a shit!  No, I'm not a K-State fan but B is and my ex hates B more than just about anyone on this planet so how could I not wear a shirt that he gave me??? I considered putting it on my dog but I didn't want her to stretch it out.

A lot of effort to empty out my storage unit? Maybe, but I'm pretty awful and I'm willing to put in some work just to say fuck you when someone deserves it.

A Kick in the Dick

In my last entry I mentioned that my ex had not responded to a text that I sent him after he unfriended me.  I had put the story in as a side note but it really deserves to be an entry of it’s own.  

My Ex-husband is someone who says things that you know will never happen and he’ll never go through with.  This is one of the funniest examples I can give...

He contacted me one day saying how in two years he wants to go back packing across Europe.  After trying to explain to him that he’s not a carry your shit on your back kind of guy and that someone with an auto-immune disease might want to stay somewhere nicer than disgusting hostels with Euro-trash druggies I gave up and just let him go with it.  He then tells me that Pip is welcome to come... really? you want to go back packing with your ex-wife and her boyfriend? Fine whatever...
I tell MW about this trip and she says she HAS to be included...MW is MY friend and is easily as awful as I am.  I tell my ex and he agrees.  MW and I decide this isn’t fun enough so I decide if i’m going through Europe (I hate traveling by the way) I’m going to make this the most enjoyable train wreck ever and decide I should invite B to come too...B was mentioned in my previous entry as my close friend who destroyed my ex-husband on facebook when he was being a crazy person and screaming at me all the time.)

Me: “so MW and B are both in for traveling across europe….be excited and tell your sister to come… i assumed she was already coming though”
Mike: “haha ummm yeah not so much! I'm not going on a trip with a person that I literally can stand to be in the presence of. I haven't even brought it up with my sister. I doubt she would want to go anyways.”
Me: “haha i assume you can't stand the presence of B and not MW and you'll go w/ Pip but not B? Also you did not put stipulations on this trip when you said i should go you just said a group”
Mike: ”Yes Pip can join because he's cool. B is a douche bag that would make everyone's life miserable.”
Me: "everyone" is a little extreme but i'm pretty sure MW, B, and I are a package deal…and Pip isn't going if i'm not….i'm trying to make a bad ass group here”
Mike: “So you're taking my idea and running with it, nice!” Me: “is that a sarcastic nice?”
Mike: “sort of. Because Dusty and Melissa are interested in going”
Me: “i don't see what that has to do w/ MW and B… besides Melissa is awful and white trash and you tell me i should go and you invite her but i can't have B and MW come?”
Mike: “The plan is to go near May 2013. FIne B can come but I'll kick him in the dick if he acts like an ass!”

I took too long to respond apparently.

Mike: “Fine don't respond”
Me: “geeze i'm doing my hw you gave me like two seconds. Have you been drinking?”
Mike: “no. Why?
Me: “also i will tell him that if he doesn't behave you'll kick him in the dick.”
Mike: “and each person is responsible for keeping their subgroup in check!”
Me: “oh i already told him you were going to kick him in the dick”
Mike: “That's if you don't keep your subgroup member under control!”
Me: “haha i don't control B!!!”

He then changed the subject to ask if Pip and I was serious, shortly after that the conversation ended, and I reminded him to start stretching out so he can practice those high kicks.

Shortly after that conversation his air conditioner died and when he texted me to tell me that I told him where my spare key was and that he could go sit at my place until I get home.  After I finished at the gym I went home and he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, we went for Mexican and thank God it was 99 cent margarita night!
This is one of the conversations we had that night...

Me: “Oh, so I told B you’re going to kick him in the dick.  I don’t think he was that worried about it.”
Mike: “He can suck it.”
Me: “What exactly has he done to you to make you hate him so much?”
Mike: “That’s none of your business.”
Me: “Obviously, just my close friend and my ex-husband...of course it’s none of my business.”
Mike: “I have my reasons and I cannot stand him.”
Me: “Ok well lets pretend these feelings are valid and based in reality.  Do you think it’s a good idea to openly threaten a man so much bigger than you are? I mean he’s 6’4” and like 220lbs and you’re 5’9”, 150lbs, and you have crohn’s disease.”
Mike: “He’s a terrible human being and a douche bag.”
Me: “What did I tell you before about saying things like that?”
Silence
Mike: “I really will kick him in the dick.”
Me: “You might literally be retarded.  You’re at best suicidal.  Have you discussed this with your therapist?”
Mike: “B? Yes, a few times.”
Me: “No the fact that you want...wait...what?! Ya know what, I don’t even want to know.”

A couple of weeks later he asked if I wanted to go see a movie and I said sure.  While we were driving back from Destin...
Me: “Oh and Josh said he’s down with the back packing trip.”
Mike: “He can’t come.”
Me: “Haha what? Why not?”
Mike: “Because he can’t.”
Me: “So Pip, B, and MW can come but not josh huh?”
Mike: “That’s right.”
Me: “He’s coming.”

Not long after that while I was sitting on Facebook and Mike messaged me to let me know he had reconsidered and was now accepting that Josh will be going on this trip.

Mike: “Ok so, yeah Josh and B will be in the same group!”
Me: “oh Josh is in the dick kicking group?”
Mike: “yeah, but not to the same extent.”
Me: “i'm not sure what that means? like you won't kick him as hard?”
Mike: “Just looking at B will make me want to kick him in the nuts.  Josh would have to say something to piss me off.”
Me: “I'll be sure to let them know… B is pretty tall…this is gonna be an impressive front kick.”
Mike: “Actually take Josh out of that group, its only B.”
Me: “hahaha ok, better start getting limber then”
Mike: “B can suck it!”
Me: “haha i'm NOT protecting you from B… if you try to kick him in the dick he's probably going to knock you out”
Mike: “Like I said, he can suck it!”
Me: “haha ok”

MW, B, Josh, and I were really really really excited for this trip.  MW was going to film it so that we could share it with all of you.  So when he unfriended me the other day because he got a girlfriend I sent him a text message that just said:
“Uh if your gf won’t let you be fb friends w me how are supposed to have a dysfunctional back pack through Europe?”

I’m still trying to figure out what I’m the most upset about... That I married such a huge douche bag OR that this trip isn’t happening...
Pretty sure it’s the trip though... What a kick in the dick!

Sunday funday

I know... I know, I haven’t been giving my people what they need with the updates of how shitty my life is but I just won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t share this little bit of amazing.  Those of you that know me know that it only scratches the surface of my life but alas it’s all i’m allowed to share with you at the moment.... So here it is.
  On Thursday I was told that I’m being let go from the U.S. Air Force... Why? Well I’m not able to share the real story... yet. Either way just know that I’m getting fucked and soon I will be unemployed and I have to start my life all over.  So after that crushing news I took a four day weekend to crawl into what I like to call my “Depression Cocoon.”  Oh, what’s my “Depression Cocoon?”  Well I’ll tell you... When I decide that my overwhelming HATE for everything in this world is too much and my options are murder spree or complete isolation, luckily for all of you, I choose isolation.  I close the blinds and draw the shades, turn out the lights, fire up the xbox, pour myself a (a=many) drink(s) and then I spend as long as I can watching Netflix (usually “the office”) wrapped in a blanket on my couch.  I only leave my wonderful cocoon to let the dogs out, calls of nature, and more booze.  
  Man four days of Depression Cocoon! What could be better?! It literally is my favorite place on earth.... it lasted until sunday.  
 My boyfriend, for safety purposes he’s referred to as ‘Pip,’ tells me he’s going to get me a present to make me feel better (this was thursday).  I peak my head from the safety of my cocoon...
Me: “A present...?”
Pip: “Of course I want you to feel better!”
There is no more mention of said present and I curl safely back into my cocoon.

Saturday...
Pip: “Did you get anything?”
Me: “What? I’ll check...”
Like a fool I run outside (it’s noon and this is the first i’ve seen of the sun since... i dunno... 24hrs before?...the dogs make my sun schedule once I enter the cocoon if stupid work doesn’t make me do stuff)
Nothing on the porch...I eagerly continue on to the mailbox! Pressing forward... PRESENT?!?
I put my key in.... emptiness. Well maybe, maybe the mail man just hasn’t come yet...
I crawl back into my cocoon, pull my best friend (best friend=laptop aka facebook/internet machine) onto my lap and send Pip a reply.
Me: “Hey, I didn’t get anything, what are you talking about?”
Pip: “You will.”
Me: “um...ok... “

I close this and start talking to Josh...we speculate what my present that’s going to cheer me up for getting fired is going to be and then I notice that my ex-husband “checked-in” at Walt Disney World.  I honestly assumed he had gone there on a romantic weekend with his sister but then I saw that he had actually met a girl there... this was odd because usually he shares WAY more than I care about and I had just spoken to him Wednesday so I was a little surprised.  I looked at this girl’s page after I scanned the pictures she had put up and noticed that while she appears to be in her early 30’s she’s been on FB for less than a month and only has 2 FB friends (my ex and his sister)... at this point Josh and I decided that my ex was definitely dead and was being made into a skin suit by an online predator because really?! Any functional member of society could join FB tomorrow and have more than two friends... my dog has more than two friends (he made the page, stop judging me.)  I purposely didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to spook the girl (serial killer/newly released amish girl) into thinking a.) I gave a shit if she wanted him or b.) I didn’t want to cock block him.  I figured I would just wait until he got back and ask him all about it.

Now I want to make sure everyone understands this situation... my ex-husband was a horrible boyfriend (leave my low self esteem out of this) and then a mediocre husband at best.  He was always oddly close to his sister, who is built and looks like him in a wig mind you, and let his family openly hate me, actually let men step on me and mouth off to me, and then finally made it clear he wouldn’t care if I died before I finally made him admit he didn’t actually want to be married.  Why not? Well some of the reasons he listed were that I don’t cook and clean enough (I was working 15 hours more than him a week and making over twice, almost three times, as much as he was,) I deploy too much (in 4 years I’ve deployed 7 times and he was with me when I accepted my navigator slot in college BEFORE we were married,)  I work with too many men (I’m not sure how I can fix that,) and I make too much money (he did not mind my money when he was only making 30 grand a year and driving a GMC Sierra Denali,)  he would later (while I was deployed) add that I was just too manly for him (i’m sorry my 5’4” 112lbs frame is just too physically imposing for you.)  

He also MAY have been diagnosed by a medical professional as “bat shit crazy” and put on medication.   He would call me screaming like a psycho (I have witnesses who could hear him) and then sometimes he’d call me sobbing as if he actually cared about the fact that we weren’t married.  This went on from the end of March when he moved out until around December when my friend ‘B’ couldn’t stand it anymore and pointed out all of my ex’s short comings on my fb wall and then threatened to beat his ass if he didn’t leave me alone.  Considering the fact that I could beat my ex’s ass and that ‘B’ is actually a large man...oddly enough... he decided he didn’t want to be a psycho anymore.  (SIDE NOTE: I feel like I have to point out that this is the ONLY instance that I have been defended, much less publicly, period, dot, ever.)   During this time of psychosis from the time that he left until just a couple of weeks ago he would call at random and ask me to hang out or just share random bits of information.  B and my other friends would point out that I’m being a sucker and he just wants to hang out because he is such a loser that he doesn’t know anyone else here in Florida and he’s just guilting me into it and we would actually have disagreements over me hanging out with him.  BUT he said how we were friends and he still wanted to be friends and he was so sorry for being a psychopath and so I would go.  Just before my surgery (less than a month ago) we went and got dinner and a little while before that we went to a movie and before that I actually told him where my spare key was because I was at the gym and his air conditioning had died and so I let him go to my place to cool off.  He was obsessed with the dog we bought while we were married so if you’re his fb friend you can see the creepy pictures he took from inside my house while I wasn’t there.  Why tell you all of this??? (other than he’s obviously a douche)
And then it was Sunday....

Sunday at 0500 I get an email and something happens to wake me...
It’s an email from Agent Provocateur... Oh...what is Agent Provocateur you ask? Well let me explain, I personally like Victoria’s Secret and some women tell me I’m crazy for spending that much money on underwear (feel free to google prices.)  Agent Provocateur is an insanely expensive version of Victoria’s Secret.  I’m talking like at least $170 for a bra, $300 for a towel, and $90 for panties... those are the CHEAP ones on their site.  Now, the only reason I have heard of this place is because a couple of weeks ago Pip told me to look at their site because he thought there was one in Destin and he wanted to go while he was in town.  I looked at the site and I promptly told him that he was “insane,” that the store was “ridiculous,” and “who would waste $300 on panties?!” (i’m not kidding, look for yourself, there’s a pair of cotton panties for $300)
Pip: “You’re worth it.”
Me: “You know what’s not worth it?! FUCKING PANTIES!”
So I’m looking at this email’s subject in my in box and I’m thinking ‘you have got to be shitting me’ and I roll back over and go to sleep.  When I wake up I open the email and I am being notified that Pip has put a store credit of L200 (about $325) in my name.  I sit stunned, just staring at the computer.  The blinding rage slowly building.  Just to clarify where I’m coming from here, it would have been fine if for no reason I would have gotten this BUT this was supposed to be my “I’m so sorry and I just want you to feel better present.”
A pet peeve of mine is when some one buys a gift knowing that the person receiving it would never want it in a million years but that the giver will actually enjoy and THEN has the gall to try to take credit for being “nice” and “thoughtful” for buying themselves something.  It makes me want to set something on fire.  
I look and Josh is online and I immediately tell him what the gift was and explain that no, uncomfortable underwear does not in fact make me happy.  Other people I told have one of two responses “so he’s never actually met you?” or “hahahaha.”  
I send Pip an email explaining that I’m annoyed and why.
While I’m waiting for a response...

I go to see if there are any new Disney updates and I find that my ex and I are no longer FB friends.  After all that bullshit the SECOND another woman looks at him he can’t even be fake internet friends.  

Today is Wednesday and he STILL hasn’t responded to my text message because I have been completely cut off from all contact.
While I sit and discuss the fact that my ex-husband has yet again found a way to out douche himself Pip emails me back.
Pip: “Of course it’s a present for you.”
Me: “Oh well, ok then, if it’s for me and not you then i’m getting a beach towel and a tank top.”
Pip: “I’ll be sick if you waste my money like that.”
Me: “HA but it’s for me huh? I just can’t spend it however I want?”
Pip: “I spent a lot of money on it.”
Me: “That doesn’t make it meaningful. That makes it expensive.”
Pip: “But you talked about the store...”
Me: “Yes, how crazy it is and only because YOU told me about it and that YOU wanted to go there.”
Long story short I tried explaining three or four times why it upset me that my boyfriend bought me lingerie when I was sad and everyone else gets that that isn’t a gift for me but he does not and has proclaimed that he won’t comment further...

So it’s Sunday and I’m a sad panda so what do I want to do? I want to call my Mom and I just wanted her to say they’re a-holes.  I vented to my brother (as crazy as The Mac is he really is the rain man of counseling) for 40 minutes before he put mom on the phone.  I told her about the present and she tells me how awful I am... “I swear Ashley you really are your own worst enemy in every single aspect of your life.  Every single part.”  I try to tell her about how it’s not a gift to cheer me up it’s something for himself, but he’s attractive and spent a lot of money on me so obviously I’m a terrible person.  I moved on to my ex-husband using me because he had no one and then cutting all ties the minute he got a girlfriend and even though he hates my mother for no reason she of course came to his defense and nothing he does is as bad as other people (myself included.)
I told her thanks for being so supportive and I got off the phone...

SUNDAY
WAS
AWESOME!!!!

SPANK TENT

I went home because my Dad said that he would take a day off of work and we could hang out. (For those of you who know me you know this is the first time in my 28 years that my dad has offered to hang out with JUST me.) I went to the gym in the evening, then to my place to pack, and then to my parents’ house. I got there around midnight, I was exhausted, and I found there was someone in “my” bedroom, so I went and laid on the couch.
When I’m at my parents’ house it means there are 5 dogs (two little ones and three that are between 80-120lbs) so actually sleeping is almost impossible in a bedroom and completely impossible in the living room. I ASSUMED that my father had gone to sleep in there because he’d been having trouble sleeping and didn’t want to disturb my mom... that’s what would have been the case to someone with a normal life... It’s now 0400 and I’m pissed off on the couch when my brother walks in.


Mac: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Well I’m trying to freaking sleep but God knows you can’t sleep in this fucking house and to make it worse Dad is asleep in my room!”
Mac: “Uh, yeah he’s not.”
Me: “Oh well fuck! I thought I heard the sound machine in there.”
Mac: “Oh uh yeah you did. I was asleep in there. Here I’ll go back to my room and you can go to sleep in  there.”
Me: “Wait. What?”
Mac: “I was sleeping in your room but i can go back to my room.”
Me: “Why were you sleeping in my room?”
Mac: “Your bed is comfortable.”
Me: “You have a queen in your room and mine is a double. Why were you sleeping in my room.”
Mac: “I was using the internet.”
Me: “Excuse me? You have a lap top and they have wireless! You have a flat screen tv in your room with a PS3 and satellite! Are you fucking with me right now?!”
Mac: “It’s fine. I’ll go back to my room.”

I follow him down the hall towards our bedrooms still asking (screaming) if he’s joking. He goes into my room, starts collecting the laptop, and then STARTS PUTTING A RAG INTO THE POCKET OF HIS SWEAT PANTS!!!

Me: “HOLY FUCKING SHIT! YOU ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING BUM ON THE PLANET AND I HATE YOU!”

Silence

I go back out to the couch and sit there so angry I consider burning my parents house down. An hour or so later my Dad wakes up.


Dad: “Hey, did you sleep at all?”
Me: “NO! No Dad I freaking didn’t! Would you like to know why DAD?! Because! Because your son has been using my room as his personal spank tent!”
Dad: “What?”
Me: “You heard me! He’s gross and he’s been using my room and it smells and I hate him!”
Dad: “Well sheets are washable.”

Dad walks out of the room.
Dad and I went to lunch and a movie. When we got home he washed my sheets and put them back on my bed.
I walk into the living room.


Mom: “Wow your Dad washed the sheets for you AND put them back on the bed??”
Me: “Yes Mother and do you know why?”
Mom: “No.”
Me: “Because Mother your son was using my room as his spank tent!”
Mom: “His what?”
Me: “His spank tent Mom!”
Mom: “I don’t know what that means.”
Me: “The place he uses to touch himself MOTHER! He is gross and I hate him!”
Mom: “Oh Ashley, C’mon.”
Me: “Seriously?!”
Mom: “Your Dad washed the sheets.”
Me: “It’s like my life is a constant stream of fucked up jokes.”
Mom: “What?”

How is no one upset about this?
Be jealous of my life people... so jealous.

Spiders...

I’m on leave after my deployment and I decided to come home and spend a few days with my family.  The other night I was sitting on the couch watching TV when Mac walks into the living room.

 

Mac: “Hey don’t go out the back door because there’s a huge spider web.”

 

Me: “Oh uhh ok.”

 

Ugh whatever.

A couple of hours later I’m in the kitchen and Mac and I notice that Jasper (my Mother’s cat) is outside. My parents live on the outside of town so there are a number of animals that would probably enjoy eating a delicious kitty, so they try to keep him inside at night.  

 

Me: “Oops, Jasper’s still outside.  I’ll grab him.”

 

I open the back door and rush out to get Jasper.  First full step out the door and I’m immediately reminded of Mac’s warning as I feel spider web wrap all the way around my head.  I’m not gonna lie...I may have emitted a small squeal as I immediately turned back into the kitchen, hands slapping all around my head and face to try to get rid of the massive spider that must be on me somewhere.

 

Me: “Holy Fuck! Is it on me?! Ugh help me get it off!”

 

I shove my head in my brother’s face.

 

Mac: “Ew get away from me!!!”

 

There may have been a small shove and squeal here to keep my spider head away from him.

 

Me: “Oh my God Mac you can’t even look to see if there’s something on me?”

 

Mac slaps my head a couple of times.

 

Mac: “Yeah....ok....ugh no spiders.”

 

I turned the lights on outside and saw that the massive spider was still in what was left of his web.

 

Me: “You squealed! Like a girl and you wouldn’t even LOOK for the spider!”

 

Mac: “I told you not to go out the back door.”

 

Me: “Valid point.” 

 

Mac: “So technically you didn’t listen to ME...Can this go on the website???”

 

Me: “I’m not leaving out the shove and squeal.”

 

Mac: “So close.”

Dear Flight Doc, I hate you!

Last night we flew and on descent I could actually hear stuff moving around in my face.  No sinus block but obviously that's not normal.  After we landed the sinus headache started. It got worse and worse until I popped some sudafed, inhaled some afrin and it still hurt so I took a couple of benedryl before bed (this is the part of my story where my mother interrupts me and says "And surprisingly you woke up."  pfft my metabolism is pretty much amazing…don't doubt it!) and my head ache didn't go away until I woke up.  Before going to sleep I had decided to go BACK to the flight doc and demand help (supportive pushing from Tracy was helpful.)  I rode to the flight doc with my crew who were going to eat chow.  

I walk in and the MSgt Med tech from my previous story walks in behind me.

MSgt: "Oh your face is still bothering you?"

Me: "Yeah I didn't have a block but I could feel it moving around on my last flight and…"

MSgt: "Haha yeah that's no good."

Me: "That's what I was thinking so we'll see how this attempt for help goes."

The MSgt leads me into the room with the Oompaloompa "Dr" and an older overweight guy that works there.

Flight Doc: "What's going on?"

MSgt: he let out a small sigh "She is still having problems with her sinuses."

Flight Doc: "Oh so you need more Afrin and sudafed?"

Me: "Uh no.  Either my allergies are getting worse o…"

Flight Doc: "That's probably it because it's really dusty here and lots of people have allergies"

Me: "Over the last few years or I have some kind of small infection was the rest of what i was saying."

Flight Doc: "Yeah I'm sure it's allergies.  You're flying tonight?"

Me: "NO."

Flight Doc: "Oh you guys don't have anything to do or is a plane broken?"

Me: "Uh neither, I'm just not flying."

Flight Doc: "Why not?"

Me: "Because something is wrong with my face and it hurts and I am dnif'ing myself because I said so."

The MSgt and the other guy laugh.

Me: "Ok so if you think it's allergies then I apparently need something stronger than claritan.  Do y'all have flonase here? A lot of people say that helps."

Flight Doc: "I try not to give out flonase because people get dependent on it and start taking it everyday."

Me: "Uh, as i understand it Flonase is a steroid so for it to work you should take it everyday."

More laughter from the MSgt and the other guy.  Blank stare from the Flight Doc.

MSgt: "I'll go get you the flonase."

Flight Doc: "Have you tried rinsing your nose out?"

Me: "Nasal lavage? yes and at home it helps but I tried it here last time and it made my head hurt more."

Flight Doc: "And get her a syringe and saline solution."

Me: "I have a whole kit, I really don't need any of that."

Blank stare.

Flight Doc: "I'm going to give you musinex with sudafed in it so that should help with all the congestion, ya know, sneezing and coughing.

Me: "I know what congestion is and I don't sneeze a lot and I don't have a cough.  Just pain during or after landing." 

Flight Doc: "Well this will help break all of that up."

Me: "Fine, whatever, I'll take whatever you want."  

MSgt brings back a bag containing two spray bottles of saline solution, a syringe, a bottle of flonase, a package of musinex, and a huge jug of saline solution.

MSgt: "Here you go Ma'am."

Me: "Thanks I really appreciate it."

Flight Doc: "Weren't you supposed to leave awhile ago?"

Me: "Yeah I medically out processed with you about a month ago.  Good night."

Incase anyone is wondering the insert for Flonase says that it is a steroid and you should take it at least once a day but no more than twice a day….

More deep thoughts from the mind of my brother…

"a balance diet for the Tazmanian devil is a beer in each hand xD"

Sinuses Shminuses

 I've been flying for only 6 years, deploying for 4, and I've deployed 7 times.  In that time I've never had a problem with my sinuses…ever. 

About a month ago we were descending to land and I started feeling a small amount of pressure in my left cheek.  Since I'd never had a sinus block before and I thought the pilots were going to continue a shallow descent I would tough it out.  Then they increased the descent. 

HOLY FUCK THIS HURTS! We're at 2,500ft..that's not very high…how much worse could it get? I can do this…i'm not calling "go around!"

2000ft…(I will start by telling you what actually happened and then I will tell you how it went in my mind) 

I feel like my tooth is going to explode, it's hard to breathe because of the pain, and i can't even think of how to form words.  I double over, and reach over to 'My Pet' grab his arm and begin to pull him around his chair. 

My Pet: "Pilot, we have a problem back here!"

Pete: "What?! What do you mean a problem?"

My Pet: "Something is wrong with the Nav!"

Pete: "What?!"

My Pet: "I don't know pilot she just…"

I begin franticly giving him the signal to climb.

My Pet: "Climb pilot she has a block."

He begins digging through his bag in search of Afrin.

Pete: "Crew, we're going around."

Then there were radio calls and lots of pilot stuff.  Now let me tell you how I saw those events that probably only took seconds…

2000ft…

I feel like my tooth is going to explode, it's hard to breathe because of the pain, and i can't even think of how to form words.  I double over, and reach over to 'My Pet' grab his arm and begin to pull him around his chair. 

That's it my tooth is literally going to explode in my mouth.

What is that like? Is it just a pop or will their be tooth pieces in my cheek?

Will it stop hurting once it explodes? 

Oh GOD! Why isn't he helping me? 

Why is he just fucking staring at me like that?! 

My Pet: "Pilot, we have a problem back here!"

You're fucking right we do! tell him to fucking climb! oh my fucking god I wish he would just knock me out, that would be better. 

Why aren't we climbing, I wish i could remember how to talk!

Pete: "What?! what do you mean a problem?" 

For all that is holy just say climb! why won't he say it? Does he hate me? I wish my head would just explode already.

My Pet: "Something is wrong with the Nav!"

I'm obviously dying here people!

Pete: "What?!"

How can i tell him to climb? what can i do to make him understand?!

My Pet: "I don't know pilot she just…"

Fuck i've got it….thumb up and act like i want a fucking helo to pick me up. OK I'VE BEEN DOING THIS MOTION FOR AT LEAST 5 MINUTES NOW! WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!!!

My Pet: "Climb pilot, she has a block!"

Blah Blah pilot stuff…Ok now you know how it went in my head versus reality….to me that took at least 45 minutes in reality it couldn't have been more than a couple.

We climb and I begin inhaling Afrin like it's my only hope. I'm still positive my tooth is going to explode.  We actually had a Navy flight doctor onboard and he was sent back to my station.  He looked and made sure i wasn't bleeding from my nose or gums and then he explained to me what was actually happening and trying to convince me that my tooth wasn't going to explode…it took a lot of Afrin before i believed him.

Navy Doc: "Ok you're not bleeding and that's a good sign.  Just keep taking the Afrin while i talk. You have a sinus block meaning no air can get in or out of your sinus.  Like your water bottle here as the pressure gets greater and it shrinks so does your sinus, but because the air can't get out it just keeps pushing harder and harder.  Right now the pain you're feeling in your teeth is because your sinus is trying so hard to collapse it is actually pulling the roots and nerves of your tooth up into your head."

Me: "So it's not going to explode?"

Navy Doc: "No."

Me: "It really feels like it."

Navy Doc: "That's because you're basically having your teeth pulled with no Novocain. Does it feel better now that we're higher?"

Me: "Yes.  I can talk now."

and by "talk now" I meant that i can sit in my seat, white knuckling my station, and forcing myself to breath like i'm preparing for child birth.

I'm still in a lot of pain but it's improving and we need to land so I say that i'm ready.

I watch the altimeter continue to drop and the pain is getting worse. 

Breath, just keep breathing, he said he wouldn't explode, he promised it wouldn't explode, what if my sinus explodes? not as bad…i'll still have all of me teeth. 

We land and J takes me to the Air Force flight doctor.  

J: "You're going to be down for like 3-4 days."

Me: "Yeah, i figured"

Let me take a minute to describe our flight doc….I'm not sure if she is even five feet tall, this is her first deployment, and she's resembles a hispanic umpaloompa.  

AF Doc: "What's going on?"

Me: "We just landed, I have a sinus block and it's killing me." 

I point to the left side of my face where the pain is.

AF Doc: "How are your ears?"

Me: "Uh, there's nothing wrong with my ears."

AF Doc: "So they cleared fine? No pain?"

Me: "No but I thought my tooth was going to explode and my face is killing me!"

I point to the left side of my face again.

J: "Ha, I'll be outside."

J walks out trying not to laugh.

Me: "I've never had this before."

AF Doc: "Have you been congested or do you have a cold?"

Me: "No and I didn't feel anything on the way up but we had to climb and i took like a whole bottle of Afrin and it still hurts."

AF Doc: "Yeah it's going to hurt for awhile. Let me see you clear your ears."

Me: "My ears are fine!"

I clear my ears while she looks at them…

AF Doc: "Well they look fine.  Here's some sudafed and more afrin.  Take two of these every 6 hours and just come by tomorrow if it hurts to bad to fly."

Me: "Uh that's it?"

AF Doc: "Yeah, If you don't feel like flying come back."

I walk out and J takes me back to the Alert Facility where our crew is getting this together to go back to our rooms. We walk in and the Navy flight doc is still there.

Pete: "Are you ok? what'd she say? how long are you down for?"

Me: "Well it still really hurts, she asked if my ears were ok, and she said I can fly tomorrow if I want to."

A collective WTF

Navy Flight Doc: "Uh I don't want to over step my bounds here but if you were in the Navy I would ground you for at least three to four days.  You really shouldn't be flying soon after something like this."

Pete: "Yeah you're not flying tomorrow."

I spent the next couple of days doped up on Afrin and taking motrin to combat my tooth and facial pain.  Over the next couple of weeks I had a couple sinus headaches but the flights went fine until a couple of days ago.  On descent I felt the same pain but this time I started the Afrin early and although it was uncomfortable I was able to get down without delay.  The next day before work I went back to the flight doc because i've never had sinus issues before and some people have suggested that I might have a small sinus infection or that my deployment allergies have worsened and I should try Flonaise. 

I walk in and the little ompaloompa is no where to be seen.  The MSgt med tech asks if he can help me and I give him a brief description of what has happened and that I would like some more Afrin, sudafed, and flonaise. 

Med Tech: "She's going to have to dnif you."

(DNIF: Duties Not Including Flying)

Me: "I bet she doesn't."

Med Tech: "If something is wrong with your sinuses and you take sudafed and Afrin then you're automatically dnif."

Me: "Oh I know those are the rules but i'm telling you she's not going to dnif."

After about 15 minutes of small talk between myself and the med tech he goes and asks the Flight doc (again) to please come see me because I need to get to my flight brief. 

AF Flight Doc: "What's up?"

Me: "Well I had another sinus block on my last flight, so that's two in a month."

AF Flight Doc: "Can you clear your ears?"

Me: "Yes"

AF flight doc: "Do they hurt?"

Me: "Does what hurt? My ears? NO! There is STILL nothing wrong with my ears.  It's my face! Right here!"

AF flight doc: "Does it still hurt?"

Me: "No, because I took enough Afrin to kill a horse yesterday."

AF Flight Doc: "Oh so you just need more Afrin?"

Me: "Uh well I do need more Afrin and sudafed but i think something is wrong if I've never had sinus trouble and now I've had two blocks in less than a month.  I was thinking I could have some kind of small infection or maybe my allergies to the dust are getting worse so I could try flonaise."

AF Flight Doc: "Ok MSgt, go get her some more Afrin and sudafed. So you can clear your ears though?"

Me: "YES! At no point since this started have I had any problems with my ears!"

MSgt walks up with my meds.

AF Flight Doc: "Ok well here you go."

Med Tech: "um Ma'am you do know she's going to her flight brief."

AF Flight Doc: "Yes"

Med Tech: "So that she can fly."

AF Flight Doc: "Oh yeah, have a good flight."

Me: "Ha yeah well assuming my face doesn't explode, thanks."

The MSgt looked as disgusted as I felt and I walked out to go fly. FML.